TeenHelp - complex romantic situation

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complex romantic situation

Woah... I haven't posted here in a very very long time. So long that I forgot my old username lol. That's probably for the best because the stuff I used to post here was quite cringy.

Anyway, cutting right to the chase, I need advice on something. A while ago, I met a girl. I have since fallen hopelessly in love with said girl. The issue is that she has a boyfriend. They're long distance and in quite a rocky state, not speaking to each other for months at a time because his parents take away his electronics.

She's quite an insecure and romantically needy person, so this causes her a lot of hurt. I can't keep track anymore of the amount of times I see her saying 'omg I just want to cuddle someone/'I want romance' /whatever. In the meanwhile I'm just kinda... right there. I want to make some kind of move on her but I'm not the type of guy to tell her to break up with him to be with me. I feel awkward giving her advice about this situation because of my infatuation with her. I can obviously see the relationship isn't working for her whatsoever but she stays with him because 1. she does still love him a lot 2. she is scared that if she leaves him, she won't ever find someone else who loves her like that. Basically, a situation of 'the devil you know beats the devil you don't'.

I guess the issue has two layers to it. Firstly, I just want her to be happy. And this relationship is not making her happy. Secondly, I want to be with her. Because I love her. A lot. But neither telling her that or telling her to break up with him seem like proper courses of action.

Let me state for the record that we have a very very close and open relationship. At first glance people have even assumed we're a couple. We text/talk to each other for hours upon end, often deep into the night. We're also pretty... faux-romantic, I guess? I wouldn't really call it flirting, but we do say 'love you', 'miss you', 'darling' etc. to each other. I don't think it's out of the question that she has some amount of feelings for me that she's suppressing because she's with her bf right now (something she has done before with previous relationships), that combined with my unusually intense feelings for her are why I'm not just giving up on the matter. I guess the final question is... what do? Do I confess and hope she realises she wants to be with me, at the risk of rejection? Do I sneakily try to hint at her to break up? Do I just sit on it like I have until now?

Re: complex romantic situation

That's a really tricky situation to be in!

I would advise against trying to hint at her breaking up with her boyfriend. The problems that she is having with her boyfriend are between her and him. It sounds like her boyfriend has issues of his own that result in him having his technology taken off him, preventing him from talking to her. And it sounds like she has issues of her own- being insecure and needy, and staying in a relationship out of love although it is questionable whether she is truly happy in this arrangement. Ideally, both would need to work through their issues together and separately. If you hinted to her about breaking up, and then later made a move on her, it may look like you only wanted to break them up for your own benefit and not for her happiness. There is also a risk that she may end up with someone else, may reject you or may still have feelings for her boyfriend even if they were to split up.

You could just continue being the supportive friend, as you have done. It may be really difficult when you have such strong feelings for her, and it may be tempting to try to hint at them breaking up. But when you support her, you could try to focus on what would make her happy, and if the current situation isn't making her happy, then ask her what things she could do to change that. It's entirely her and her boyfriends decision how to navigate their relationship and they will need to communicate honestly with each other to figure out where things are heading.

You could confess your feelings. This situation is difficult for you and worse when you have feelings for her. But if you choose to do this, you should be clear in why you are confessing your feelings. You may want to avoid giving her an ultimatum- you or him and avoid pressure to split up with her boyfriend. However, you will have to accept the risk of rejection- despite your feelings, she may choose to remain in her current relationship. There is also the risk that, either you or her, may feel that you can no longer be very close friends now that you have made your feelings known. It will therefore be down to the both of you to decide whether you can still remain close friends, despite your feelings. You may feel that you may not be able to be as close as you were as now saying things like 'love you' and 'miss you' take on more of a serious meaning once you have stated your feelings and it may be in your best interests to suppress saying such things if it's only going to pain you being friends, despite making your feelings known. In this case, focusing on what you want and what things make you happy (such as interests and hobbies, spending time with other friends) may help during such a tricky situation.

Best of luck, whichever path you decide to take. Feel free to keep us updated and come back for more support, if you find it helpful :)

Re: complex romantic situation

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I totally agree with Holly here, she's given you some really good advice. If I was in your situation, I would just continue to support her and be the good friend I know you are being. If they do break up - which sounds fairly likely in my opinion - I would recommend that you don't spring you feelings on her straight away, as she would probably end up being totally overwhelmed by the two events happening in such close proximity. I think most people would be quite shocked by just one of them! If they don't break up, I would suggest gently telling her how you feel, a bit at a time, so to speak. You know, start with a bit of flirting, then a really clever gift on her birthday or something, dropping the occasional statement that hints at, and eventually shows clearly your feelings. She may reject you in which case back off. Your friendship will definitely change, but just because she knows you like her doesn't automatically mean that she will want to have nothing to do with you anymore. If anything, it might make you even closer: though sadly not in the way you may want.[/size][/color][/font]