TeenHelp - Non-PG13 (Strong Language): My first (long-distance) boyfriend, breakup, and aftermath.

[SIZE="a"][SIZE="a"]Hey,

I'm 17.

My first boyfriend broke up with me around two months ago. We were together for the majority of this year and I genuinely feel so fucking shattered and heartbroken and I've heard it all before: you'll get over it, you always feel like your first boyfriend is "the one", etc.

I'm not interested in hearing that. We were literally perfect and compatible in every way. We would talk nonstop and we'd stay up all night talking.

He's the first person I've ever been so open with about literally everything, and the only person I've ever been -you know- with. it just sucks. he told me he still has feelings for me when he broke up with me, but x and x factors are why he did it.

I remember the conversation really vividly; he kept saying things like "you know I didn't want this" which made me feel really guilty for obviously crying and like, being upset about it to him. genuinely don't know what to do .

I stayed up all night until 5 am sobbing to my friend and I ended up crying myself to sleep. school started the week after he did it, he's a few years older and he's already graduated while I'm a senior in hs. school was rough, I pretended I wasn't upset and I didn't let myself process anything until now. and it's all coming back to me 10x worse because I don't know what the fuck to do.

my friends always make jokes about how he was gross etc and it just makes me feel like shit. stop mentioning him when you know I'm clearly upset about it? and I hate how they talk shit about him because in truth, he was great, he was so sweet all the time:/.

he was kind of like an older, caring, brother figure. we've spoken since then, and I admit not the best idea, but we have, like, sent certain texts even after it was over, which made me cry straight afterwards every single time. even if we just texted 'hey' to each other I would sob.

I feel so much resentment towards him I've realized, and I've also realized I never got closure. a huge part of why he broke up with me was because of an abusive past relationship and how it's still affecting him, he said he wasn't ready for a new one.

the part I'm so mad about is that I wasn't even remotely interested at first. but he had a way of like, making me like him.

pretty soon after we made it official I saw he'd been talking kinda dirty to some random girl, I never confronted him and he doesn't know I know and i don't know why I pretended I never saw it and that it never happened and I'm really mad at myself for not saying anything.

this weighs on me so fucking much I don't know what to do!!! I want to send him a long message explaining just what I'm pissed about, and that I know about that whole I don't even know if its cheating? but that thing.

he told me vaguely intimate things about what he's done with exes, which make me feel so grimy and just absolutely disgusting and it's such a huge turn off, him knowing I'm a jealous person, (not to an unhealthy extent), but I'm young. that shit makes me want to puke.

I don't think you should be going around telling your girlfriend about the sex you've had with your exes or is that just me being crazy?

now about this part, I've never admitted this to anyone. it immediately turns me off and makes me feel disgusting when I'm, (the m word but it feels weird to say), and I stop and I can't continue because all I can fucking think about is oh he's done this with his ex, he's done that. I can't fucking take it.

I just want to send him a message kinda stating all of that then turning off notifications and not responding to him and cutting him off. I don't know what else to do lol?

one more thing, a week or two before he broke up with me he'd act super distant, he ignored me and talked to me as if we were acquaintances, which I'm also still not over. he avoided any type of confrontation and he changed the subject really quickly if it turned remotely sexual, and he a few days before it officially ended, said that "he was scared that if we spoke like that we wouldn't be friends after".

no offense but I don't even want to be your friend anymore after all the shit you put me through emotionally. and moreover, how am I supposed to be able to talk to someone knowing I love them but that they'll never be with me ever again?

id love to believe one day he's going to be ready, but I don't think he's going to wait for me specifically.

during the relationship he would also have these random angsty ass moments where he wouldn't text me and avoid it completely unless he was speaking to me like we were strangers. it made me doubt that we were together and I would cry so fucking much when he did that, and he did it quite often.

because of that I tried to make the conversations more sexual because I wanted that validation of knowing he was still interested, even though I guess we were technically still bf/gf??? but he made me doubt it so much I just don't even know anymore?

***TW SELF HARM***

he knew I struggle with my mental health, and was supportive when I confided in him about my self harm. after he broke things off I felt too awkward to open up about stuff like that and I don't mention it if we do talk.

***TW OVER***

it just kinda makes me wonder if he even cares, and I hate saying that because it sounds like I'm trying to victimize myself. but I just wonder if he cares and if he's even noticed that I don't open up anymore.

he was also the first to say I love you, and when I finally said it back I was pretty affectionate, and I used to feel really awkward being affectionate because my parents are divorced and have always had a dysfunctional relationship. he would stop responding to me how he used to and he would act awkward about me being affectionate, I did confront him and he said he thought it made me feel more comfortable when he did that because he knew I used to feel awkward with affection. if that makes sense

I think it's because he intended to break up with me wayyy back when that stuff was happening but delayed it. and knowing now why he would act so awkward to me all those times just makes me so fucking miserable because he probably was going to do it then. I'm a fucking joke.

I get I must sound insane excusing all of the things he's done but I sincerely do love him so much and it's so hard to have to focus on my studies and exams I'm taking in a few months when all this has been weighing me down for almost three months.

we haven't spoken this week. we texted briefly last week and that's it, its been almost two weeks without talking apart from that.

last time we spoke he implied sexual things and I told him over a month ago that if he wants to be friends he can't talk to me like that anymore because it gives me false hopes and hurts my feelings, but guess who's still doing it.

I'm fucking crushed and I wish I never met this guy. Im so fucking frustrated, literally any advice please. holy shit. I feel destroyed. I just feel so drained and sad and :([/size][/size]