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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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How do I leave - shouldn't I? - January 24th 2021, 01:42 AM

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]My boyfriend and I have known eachother forever. He says he wants a future with me and would rather die if he has to live it without me. He has a really horrible life I don't know how he manages. I think he said he is only staying alive for me. I have tried to leave him more times than I can remember and each time he says he will kill himself, tells me his plan, says I never loved him and blocks me for a few hours. I'll send him a friend request and we'll talk for ages and I'll beg for him back and then we'll get back together. But the thing is our relationship has been falling apart. I don't trust him because I have a horrible feeling in my gut about his close female bestfriend. Even if it turns out to all be in my head and there's nothing going on between them their bond is inappropriate (you'll find out at some point in this thread why) I remember when I trusted him and it felt so nice and I was close to him on the deepest level. But now, being intimate with him makes me cringe on the inside. When I'm alone thinking about it I physically cringe and shudder etc. He has realised that I almost don't love him at all anymore, t here are allot of tell-tale signs that became apparent to him and when he left me as a result he was sad that I was so happy without him, said I was never that happy with him and that makes him so sad. He's obviously forgotten then when I was close to him and felt so good on the inside. My issue is as follows. He has a very close female friend and they've known eachother for approximately four years. She has always tried to turn him against me from day one. It has worked before. He has dumped me over her instruction many times. They talk about our relationship problems. And anything really. He goes to her when he doesnt feel good they use eachother for emotional support. Apparently he doesn't see anything wrong with it. I tried to stop them from talking I thought it was a mutual decision I had spoken to him about why I felt uncomfortable. So she in turn hacked into his accounts, leaked my personal information by reading our convesations and tried to make sure I couldn't talk to him anymore. I had had access to his accounts but he has never let me back on them after she told him that it made me controlling (I had access because I wanted to soothe myself, he had cheated previously and although he said he wouldn't do it again I wanted to be sure of it) It soon transpired that actually, they were still talking, he still wanted her in his life. He has lied about not talking to her anymore about three times since then when really he was behind my back. So in my eyes they are essentially together without the intimacy and I feel like being used for sex.He said if he loves her and not me then why would he be with me and not with her. But he had previously revealed that she fancies someone else. Anyway, Meh. Our conversations are boring. I don't look forwards to talking to him. I feel like I'm the one putting in most of the effort. I dont want to be with him anymore. The feelings are almost non existent. I remember what we were like before but have accepted that it wont be the same again. Can't look at him the same way. I cant shake the feeling that there is something going on between them. But I don't want him to die either because I dont handle death well.[/size][/color][/font]
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How do I leave - shouldn't I? - January 24th 2021, 02:39 AM


Honestly, I know it is scary, but it sounds like you are currently being abused by your boyfriend. Even if he is mentally ill, threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves is a manipulation tactic and actually a sign of abuse. It is absolutely not your responsibility for being the reason someone lives. If anything, when you break up with him you can let him know that you are concerned for his safety and you want to make sure that he gets help and suggest he talks to someone like a therapist or doctor. If you think that he is at risk of immediately harming himself you can call someone to ensure his safety, but you do not have to stay until he gets one or until he decides to help himself. Your mental health and safety are just as important, and you have every right to leave and not be abused. I also wouldn't go back and forth either, meaning that when you end the relationship you are out for good and don't come back if he pleads.

Another sign that you definitely should consider ending the relationship is the struggle you are having with intimacy and the fact that you said you almost don't love him anymore. You have your whole life ahead of you and shouldn't be with someone you don't love, and someone who will break up with you without warning for another girl.

So, honestly I would get out of this relationship. What he decides to do after is up to him. Again, call 911 or someone in his family if you think he will harm himself, but you do not deserve have something this serious held over your head. After you end the relationship it may help if you have someone to talk to as well. As I said before, it sounds like you are going through some abuse and are in a difficult patch in general, so having someone to talk to can really help you process things.

I really hope you are safe and get through this.

Take care,

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Re: How do I leave - shouldn't I? - January 25th 2021, 11:06 PM

Firstly, he is not your responsibility. His actions are his own choices. He is manipulating you into staying with him and controlling you to get what he wants out of you. If he cared about you in any way, he wouldn't be doing any of what he's doing to you. As Dez rightly pointed out, your boyfriend is abusing you.

The way I see it is that you're only in this relationship with him out of obligation and fear. He's making you fearful. Fear is a powerful way of controlling somebody and getting them to do what someone else wants. He is playing on your fears and worries that it will be your fault if he takes his own life. Again, he isn't your responsibility. You're not is parents. You're not his babysitter. You're his girlfriend, and even then, quite loosely with the way he treats you.

I've been in a situation where my partner used me for sex. They gaslighted me, manipulated me. Made me do things I didn't want because I let them. They used how I felt about them as a way of controlling me to get what they want. If I didn't do as they demanded, there were consequences. I'd be ignored, avoided, all kinds of horrible things. I would beg for forgiveness and would do so until they were satisfied with my apology. They knew exactly how to make me do what they wanted. This is the same situation you are in. He knows exactly how to control you and make you do things he wants.

With all of that said, you can escape it. Talk to a friend or family member. Keep any and all messages he has sent you. Screen shot them if they're through WhatsApp or another platform that allows him to delete what he says. Back everything up so you have proof of his abusive behaviour. Do not allow him to control you any longer!

You deserve to be in a happy, loving relationship. It's most certainly not with him. Pardon me for sounding so cold, but if he chooses to take his own life because he couldn't control you, that's his decision. He will have made that choice on his own. You don't deserve to be treated the way he treats you. You have the strength to move past him. Be the person that splits with him, blocks him, and ignores him. Take his control away from him.

You can do this!

Life is for living, not for losing.

Last edited by Rivière; January 26th 2021 at 01:05 AM.
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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: How do I leave - shouldn't I? - January 28th 2021, 09:20 AM

Hello there,

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story.

As Dez and Rivière have very nicely explained, you don't deserve to be in a toxic relationship like this one. The impression I'm getting as I read your story is that you are in a very uncomfortable position, caught between your boyfriend and his female friend - you want to leave yet some aspects are holding you back.

Let me emphasise that in situations such as the one you're in right now, your sense of worth takes precedence over everything else. You don't have to stay in a relationship where you feel you're being used only for sex. You don't have to stay in a relationship whereby your boyfriend's best friend is reading through all your chats and trying to constantly intercept your actions. You don't have to stay with a boyfriend whom you feel is cheating - that is absolutely unfair for you. You don't have to stay in a relationship where there's no love, mutual trust or understanding. And like Dez and Rivière have correctly said, you are not responsible for his life. In my understanding, he is threatening you by saying that he will take his life if you leave him. Yet, he doesn't give you any respect or treat you like a man should his girlfriend.

I was in a toxic friendship before. I made the tough decision to walk away and cut off all contact with my previous best friend. It was all for the better, because my life had become a mess when I was in close interaction with her. Though there is value in mending relationships in some cases, there reaches a point sometimes where the damage done is irreparable. It seems that way for you and your boyfriend. Hence, the only sensible thing to do is to walk away - break up with him. Sometimes, the only way to be liberated from a sticky situation is to cut off the source of all trouble. I would advise you to cut off contact with him and his very toxic and inappropriate best friend. You will realise that you will be so much happier.

I emphasise that you don't deserve to be in a relationship like this. There is so much more out there that you can do and explore, there are so many good people out there too in whose company you will find true joy and solace. Life is complex as it is; we don't need to stick around people who are making things incredibly tough. Leave him, girl - it's for the best. You are important, you deserve better. Don't be daunted by his threats. You have to do you

Take care and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

~ Seize each day and live it like your last ~

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