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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Dregin Offline
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Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 03:22 PM

Me and my girlfriend have been together a year I trust her but I know when she starts college in about another year she will make a lot of new friends. My question is: Is it wrong for me to expect my girlfriend to not make friends with guys because I'm not comfortable with that? Like I don't want some guy thinking he can just move in on my girlfriend and worm his way in her life. I don't think she would ever leave me for another guy but I don't want her hanging out with guys because I know guys don't always just want to be friends its almost always to date or have sex with that girl. I don't want to bring this up with my girlfriend because she probably will get some kind of attitude about it and question if i really trust her or not.

I know I don't make friends with other girls because it would make her uncomfortable she's told me that and I'm fine with that. I think she's told me before that she would not hang out with guys and stuff like that so this is more of a general question. Is it acceptable for girls in a relationship to hang out with other guys? Even if it might make their boyfriends uncomfortable.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 03:32 PM

I feel that if my boyfriend is uncomfortable, I would try to introduce him to the guy in question, see what he feels after the meeting. I mean, I don't tend to particularly like when my guy tells me what I can or cannot do, who I can or cannot be friends with, but I always try to respect his wishes, as long as he isn't crazily possessive.
If that helps... =)


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 03:37 PM

Hmmm I think this varies for different couples.

But you cannot just expect her to not befriend other guys. And if you ask her not too, your trust in her will come into question.

Anytime I've been in a relationship, I have had male friends, and yes it's made my boyfriend jealous, but I told him to suck it up and trust me.

As for "Is it acceptable for girls in a relationship to hang out with other guys? Even if it might make their boyfriends uncomfortable."

Yes it is. Relationships are grown through trust and staying strong together. If she cannot be just friends with another guy and does something with another guy, as much as it will hurt, it will show you how much you can trust her, and how much she cares for you.

You should try to bring this up with her.. don't full out say you don't want her being friends with other guys... but ask questions more hypothetical questions... "what if a guy hits on you..?" but be calm about it. Let her know you don't wnt to lose her and never accuse her of anything...especailly let her know you trust her, but it's the other guys you worry bout. And if she ever doubts your relationship while she is gone that you want her to talk to you about it.

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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 03:48 PM

mmm i duno. Making new girl friends and haning out with them always seems a little odd to me. but me and my guy are pretty possesive and tahts just the way i am. we're both very jealous, and neither of us would make friends with a opposite sex. If he went to the movies etc it'd seem like a date with her.
No i don't think its okay really. But i can see how other couples are fine with it.
I mean i dont mind if he hangs out with girls in agroup situation..giong to lunch or a movie is not okay, alone.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 03:58 PM

Yes they can be friends!
Seriously. When I was with my ex, I still hung round my guy mates. They knew I had a bf and my bf knew me and the others were just friends.

Sounds more like you have a trust issue with your gf I'm afraid.

Girls and guys CAN be friends. Some of my best friends are guys, and I wouldn't give them up for a boyfriend.
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 04:09 PM

Just about every girl that I've ever had a crush on always gave me a reason to not trust them. So I just can't see how girl can have male friends and a boyfriend, it's like the OP said, guys just want to have sex or be more than friends. Some girls just like to kid themselves, no doubt about it. Ok, there are some male friends that girls(who are attached) can have without any worry, gay guys or guys that are already taken and are loyal to their partner. But friends with straight, single guys? Come on.. They're just delusional. You can't really believe that there might not be something going on into this guy's head if he's single and she's pretty and talks to him. If I had a girlfriend, I'd be just like you, I wouldn't try to make friends with girls if they were single. So, until I actually get together with someone who doesn't give me a reason to be doubtful, my answer will remain as a flat 'NO'.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 04:13 PM

So if a girl is single and a guy isn't. He isn't allowed to be friends with her? That's stupid.

There doesn't HAVE to be a sexual attraction.

They can be just friends, and get along, have a laugh... no further.



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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 04:51 PM

I have boyfriend and many friends who are guys. I get on with guys a lot better than I get on with girls. When people ask me who my best friend is who is a girl, I have to tell them no one. My best friends are guys. And I see most of them in bands, which my boyfriend is not involved in. Trust, trust and more trust needed in relationships I think.




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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 07:29 PM

I have plenty of guy friends, and none of my boyfriends have ever had a problem with it. I think it has a lot to do with the people in question. Constant flirting and touching and things like that, I don't think that's appropriate between friends (but that's just me.) but in a relationship, You have to get past jealousy. When you love someone, you trust them not to do anything like cheat on you.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 07:37 PM

I think if she met new friends in college, she should introduce you to them as her boyfriend so in that case, the guys would know that she's already taken. I'm very sure that the guys wont do any move on her once they know that she already has a boyfriend, if they do then that's all up to her.. Either she gives them a face or not.

Trust is very important in a relationship. I think you should talk to her about it too, tell her it makes you uncomfortable and such. She would probably know her limitations when talking or making new friends.

Hope this helps


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 08:09 PM

No, one usually falls in love. Almost all my guy friends end up falling, even if they don't admit it they do. Or even girl end up falling in love.
It's hard to stay just friends, unless you guy friend is gay or the girl is a lesbian.


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 08:38 PM

It's understandable to feel uncomfortable when new guys enter her life, I'd feel the same with new girls in my partner's life. It is however, completely unfair of you to expect her not to make friends with guys to make you feel ok. The only person you need to trust is her, if you trust her, these guys shouldn't bother you, end of story. She tells you you're the only one she wants, believe her, perhaps even make friends with these people yourself to make yourself comfortable.


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 09:44 PM

I think that girls can have male friends while in a relationship and guys can have female friends in a relationship, as long as it does not get too serious. I understand the occasional hanging out with opposite sex friends, but I definitely think that if you didn't have that friend before you were in your relationship then it can get suspicious.

I also think that it is NOT ok for girls/guys to hang out with a opposite sex friend that likes/loves them as more than a friend. I believe it brings too much suspicion to a relationship, especially if they know of the other's feelings.

But, you do have to trust your girlfriend, and she will definitely feel as if you don't trust her if you bring this up with a "I dont want you to make males friends in college!" I say talk to her and you two come to a common ground on the situation.


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 09:59 PM

i'm sorry but i find a few of the replies in this thread completely ridiculous. you can't just cut all ties with your friends of the opposite sex when you get a boyfriend/girlfriend. most of my friends are guys, because generally i get on better with them. does that mean i want to hook up with all of them? of course not. people who say that you can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex without having some feelings for them are just wrong. with the vast majority of my guy friends, i just wouldn't go there.

i'm single at the moment but when i was with my ex if he had the attitude that i couldn't be friends with guys i would have dumped him staight out. no questions asked. to me, my friends are just as important, if not more important than the person i'm in a relationship with, and if my boyfriend couldn't accept that then i wouldn't be with them.

relationships have to be built on trust and i have to be honest, it doesn't sound like you trust your girlfriend at all. if you do then why are you so bothered about her having guy friends? not all guys just want to get in the girls pants, some are actually just in it for a geuine friendship. you can't control your girlfriends life and restrict who she is "allowed" to be friends with.


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 10:02 PM

There is always a risk that she will fall in love with her male friend, but that doesn't give you the right to bar contact with the opposite sex. You're her boyfriend, not her administrator.

You just have to trust her.


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 3rd 2009, 11:26 PM

Perhaps I should have clarified: I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend had guy friends PRIOR to me meeting and dating her but I'm talking about her making male friends. She said she would be friends with a guy but she wouldn't ever like hang out with them it would be like a school or work type relationship and knowing my gf she's very focused on her work so I'm personally not worried about men interjecting themselves I was watching a morning news show and this was a topic they posed and I thought it would be interesting to ask.

I would never be like "Hey don't ever talk to other guys!" I know at school or work she will have to it's just apart of life interacting with people. I'm just asking would any of you guys be cool with your partner making friends with someone of the opposite sex and that person is suddenly texting or calling your partner on consistent basis for no reason really other than to be "friends". It's fine if that person was apart of your partners life before you were but if this person is someone new and they want to form a friendship with your partner thats a little more personal than just school or work then I would think anyone would have some reservations at some point.

I trust my girlfriend and she's the same way with me she wouldn't appreciate it if I started chatting it up with some other girl and this girl had my cellphone number and was texting me constantly throughout the day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by xxEllexx View Post
i'm sorry but i find a few of the replies in this thread completely ridiculous. you can't just cut all ties with your friends of the opposite sex when you get a boyfriend/girlfriend. most of my friends are guys, because generally i get on better with them. does that mean i want to hook up with all of them? of course not. people who say that you can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex without having some feelings for them are just wrong. with the vast majority of my guy friends, i just wouldn't go there.

i'm single at the moment but when i was with my ex if he had the attitude that i couldn't be friends with guys i would have dumped him staight out. no questions asked. to me, my friends are just as important, if not more important than the person i'm in a relationship with, and if my boyfriend couldn't accept that then i wouldn't be with them.

relationships have to be built on trust and i have to be honest, it doesn't sound like you trust your girlfriend at all. if you do then why are you so bothered about her having guy friends? not all guys just want to get in the girls pants, some are actually just in it for a geuine friendship. you can't control your girlfriends life and restrict who she is "allowed" to be friends with.
An old friend of mine thought like you that your friends were more important than your partner. She dated a lot of different people and even her current bf is having problems with her. I feel that while your friends are important you really should have a special place for your partner especially if you've been together awhile. My girlfriend comes first thats why were happy together she puts me first as well. I guess it depends on the people though.

Last edited by Dregin; June 3rd 2009 at 11:28 PM. Reason: Multiple posts have been merged automatically.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 4th 2009, 03:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dregin View Post
An old friend of mine thought like you that your friends were more important than your partner. She dated a lot of different people and even her current bf is having problems with her. I feel that while your friends are important you really should have a special place for your partner especially if you've been together awhile. My girlfriend comes first thats why were happy together she puts me first as well. I guess it depends on the people though.
I used to think that you should have one person and one person only in your life, and that was your partner, but thats getting like old married couple thinking. I think for some people who have been cheated on and such it might be difficult for them to see their partner going out and getting more friends, but unless they allow them to do so there will never be any trust.

I guess it also depends on what kind of relationship you're in, and what you're looking for, future or a monthly thrill... Well maybe to quite that bad but you get my point

I don't think anyone could cut ties with friends, or be prevented from making friends with anyone, that would just be restrictive, and if they honestly do love you, they would just stay loyal to you.

I find girls SO much easier to get along with, I find they listen to me, I trust a lot more girls than I do guys with my secrets, and I generally do enjoy myself with them more. However having said that I do have one guy friend who I tell everything and he tells me everything, I also have a girly friend like that, and to me right now, they rank close to the importance of my girlfriend. Its all very well when everything's good with her, but say it doesn't work out, or something happens between us, the girls who I find I can open up to so much and trust, well I wont have any!

My dad told me, don't rely in anyone for your happiness, but make sure you can keep yourself happy without having to look to them, because if they let you down you've basically got nothing, Ie, dont keep your eggs in one basket

If youre someone who falls for people easily then this might not apply, but for me definitely without my girlfriends to have a good old heart to heart to, I couldn't get by.

My Ex was a very very flirty girl, and kept falling for every guy friend she had, and that sucked, so I wouldnt blame you for being worried, but I guess my girlfriend now, I trust her... So much I honestly dont mind who she talks to, it shocked me a little at first, but I KNOW she wouldnt cheat on me or fall for another guy, were completely in love with each other, so yeah... to me, and I would hope to her, it doesnt matter .

Theres a lot of my opinion in here, lol, I just noticed how many I's there are :L... Ah well, its just my 2 cents



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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 5th 2009, 12:36 PM

Ahh, I totally feel this OP's vibe.

The total hypocrite that I am seeing as like... all of the friends I have are female.
But I would never interfere into my girlfriends friendships no matter how uncomfortable/upset or hurt that I would be, its simply not my remit no matter how close me and my girlfriend are.

Saying that I would be incredibly uneasy about any new guys in my girlfriends life, not because of trust issues, but because I don't trust this guy.

All of you girls who say you can have a completely platonic friendship with guys, I say your naive. While you CAN have a friendship with a guy I strongly believe that somewhere along the timeline of that friendship there was, is or will be romantic feelings from one or both parties. You might not be aware of it but there was.

Unless guys are homosexual or inside of a relationships themselves, when meeting an attractive girl the idea is floating about their head somewhere. Which is what worries us.
When our patner is completely oblivious, it just makes it all worse because we believe you are unprepared for thier wiley advances.

Usually how I sort it is by somehow interacting with the gentlemen in question to "check him out" perhaps build up a relationship between the both of us. This way I have tabs on the situation and my anxiety goes away. Gestapo-like? maybe but it works.

Being a man myself, I automatically have an extreme cynicism for all male motives to do with all girls close to me, I take on the French philosphy of guilty untill proven innocent.

As for the level of importance you place on your significant other... well they are your SIGNIFICANT other.

Not many people (Men especially) will be happy being in a relationship where friends take complete precedence over them. Your supposed to be special to everyone else, otherwise what is the difference between a boyfriend and a close friend that you do stuff with?

Especially if you hav one party placing the other on the highest pedastel whilst the other party puts them lower to others, theres going to be conflict and its just not going to work.

Ofcourse. Don't neglect friendships. Just, make sure you have your priorities in the right place...


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 7th 2009, 08:52 AM

Just want to mention that I feel a huge vibe of stereotypes in this thread...

First, people have mentioned that there is always some kind of romantic/physical attraction to an opposite sex friend. That, simply, is not true. I actually cannot see what could pursuade somebody to form that belief. Completely platonic relationships do exist. And guys don't always have sex on their mind.

The desire for your girlfriend to not aquire new male friends first conveyed jealousy and selfishness to me. Although I can understand the fear, I cannot understand how the idea of it not being acceptable to have friends developed. I don't believe that a relationship is something which has right to throw all other friendships away. I really don't know what else to say about that, it's like expecting her to sign complete access and control of her life away to you.

Restricting the gender of your partner's friends shows disrespect and distrust. Being concerned about progression of a friendship can be understood; feeling the need to take precautionary measures shows an insecurity which needs to be addressed and demands change.

Fundamentally, this comes down to communication and trust - which has been mentioned. If you have a serious relationship with your partner, talk about your concerns. They may not understand or accept them, but they will respect you. Again, if you are in a serious relationship, your partner should be fine with being completely exposed and open about such issues.

People have mentioned that its the guys (new friends) that they don't trust. There can be reason for that, but your partner (girlfriend) is mature, knowledgable, and probably has these things in the back of her mind too. It's something you have to do in life, take risks. Although it seems to me that the basis for the claim of it being "risky" is hugely out of proportion (guys want relationships? strive to ruin other guys' lives? and are horny?). Anyway, although you say trusting your partner is not the issue once you flesh out the problem and look at it in its entirety... it comes back to your partner. If a guy were to want to use your girlfriend or be involved, and she feels like she's in a serious relationship with you, it's her responsibility to distance herself from the guy - if she doesn't, there was a problem in your relationship before he came along.

Relationships are built on love. I believe that love can only be given to one person. Of course, everybody can mistakenly call things love because of its abstract nature. But, nevertheless... if your relationship is built on love not only would both partners be devoted to each other, but you would want happiness, peace, good, etc, for your partner which should include independence, freedom, dignity, and friends.

If you're not willing/able to trust your partner's judgement (and/or 'loyalty') and give him/her a degree of personal freedom, you need to revisit the status of your relationship.

This post feels largely incomplete, sorry.

This thread makes me feel like I have a different definition of "relationship" than most.
Oh well.

Anyway... talk to your girlfriend.
Good luck.


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 10th 2009, 07:44 AM

I've always had more guy friends than girl friends, it's just how I am. Before I get into a relationship, I let the guy know that I'm not going to dump my friends for him because it seems like a lot of people do that when they get into a relationship. I've been with my boyfriend now for 1 1/2 years and I have my guy friends, and he has girl friends. What we found also that helped is that we get along with all of our friends. So it's not like he doesn't know my guy friends or me not know his girl friends. There's a level of trust and respect for one another, and until that changes, we'll continue to be friends with whomever we like. I think it's ridiculous to dump your friends for your bf/gf.




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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 10th 2009, 08:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dregin View Post
Perhaps I should have clarified: I wouldn't mind if my girlfriend had guy friends PRIOR to me meeting and dating her but I'm talking about her making male friends.
So you're going to stop her making friends with guys?

If you want to be with her, don't tell her or stop her making friends, male or female. She'll only resent you for it in the long-run.

If you TRUST her, let her make friends with whomever she likes. If you don't, then re-think you're relationship.

DONT start controlling who she can and can't be friends with.
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 10th 2009, 02:09 PM

It's been said: you shouldn't feel bad about her making new friends, be that girls or other guys.
Trust her.

From my own perspective, the whole thing seems to be rather riddiculus, I'm afraid. I've got a boyfriend. He's got a lot of female friends, who sleep at his place all the time and (for a lot of reasons) see quite a bit more of him than I do. I'm not jealous, because I know he loves me. Every once in a while he gets shy and says that he has something to tell me... it's usually him having snogged one of his guy friends (he's not even bi, really, they're just affectionate). I admit I am slightly jealous then, but that's mostly to do with the fact that they never do it when I'm there (sigh). I tease him all the time about it. I guess, as long as I know he still loves me, I'm alright.
He also knows that I've got other friends he doesn't know that well. He isn't jealous either, even if I'm an *extremely* affectionate person. I'm really close with one of my friends and we touch and hug each other all the time, but there's never anything sexual about it (he's practically the brother I've never had).
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 10th 2009, 03:51 PM

My boyfriend has alot of female friends - but they were already friends beforehand. I don't have a problem with this. But i think he thinks i have a problem with it which makes me have a problem because i question why he's defensive about his female friends. If you get me..

Basically if something is made out to be a big deal -- if she makes new male friends and you act funny about it when in her opinion, there is nothing to be funny about - this could create a problem. However while staying cool, and being confident that your girlfriend wont do anything with any guy friends she makes, you have to keep in mind these guys intentions without getting paranoid about it.
Sorry if that made no sence, i cbbbaaaaa to explain properly.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 10th 2009, 08:11 PM

A couple of things in your post raised my eyebrow- for example, why are you worried a YEAR in advance that your girlfriend will make friends with other guys at college? A year is a long time, and a lot can happen. Try and stay in the moment and deal with that issue when it arrives. Also, I have heard the argument of "I trust my girlfriend, but I don't trust guys who might move in on her." There is no way that statement can come out without making it sound like you don't trust your girlfriend even a little, simply because it DOES mean you don't one hundred percent trust her. A guy can't just make a move and get away with it without your girlfriend reciprocating. It means there is some small slice that doesn't trust your girl would say no to a guy who makes an advance.

Now as for your question, yes, a girl can be friends with other males and have a boyfriend. I am a girl who's closest friends are all guys, and I also have a serious boyfriend. I generally manage both groups pretty well, because my feelings for my boyfriend are separate of those I have for my friends. They aren't on the same level of attraction, so it isn't a problem.


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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 11:45 AM

you guys are really not reading what i said. All these things i was concerned about at one point in my relationship. My girlfriend doesnt have male friends she never had male friends before i met her. I talked to her about this and she said she would have male friends in a work or social setting but she would never hang out with them on a constant basis because she feels thats disrespectful to me. I just thought this would be an interesting subject for debate and it is it's not a problem i'm looking to get solved because well it's not a problem.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 12:02 PM

We have read what you've said, and we've disagreed with it. If you are against (in any way at all) of your gf having male friends then its a trust issue.

Also, if you wished it to be a debate, then A) You could have worded it better B) put it in the debate forum.
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 12:07 PM

It used to bother me but the fact that she says she won't because of how she is is on her part not mine. Perhaps I should have worded it better, my bad.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 12:11 PM

People should be allowed to make friends with whomever they wish, not on the purpose of which gender they are. I get on with guys, simply for the fact they can be less bitchy, but I also get on with girls.

Let her be able to make friends with guys, invite them out, you never know, you could gain more friends through her.

Just be open with the idea, no boundries.

Last edited by Thurineth; June 12th 2009 at 12:21 PM.
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 12:16 PM

once again i didnt say she couldnt have guy friends THATS HER CHOICE. She's told me time and time again she doesn't have male friends because she just doesn't think it's right when she's seeing someone. If she made guy friends fine but she won't because she doesn't want guy friends i'm not telling her don't have any she's making that choice on her own.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 12:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laura View Post
People should be allowed to make friends with whomever they wish, not on the purpose of which gender they are. I get on with guys, simply for the fact they can be less bitchy, but I also get on with girls.

Let her be able to make friends with guys, invite them out, you never know, you could gain more friends through her.

Just be open with the idea, no boundries.
Ok, it's her choice. Just try not to influence it.
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 12:22 PM

yaah, most guys out there wont make friends with a girl unless they were interested in dating the girl or just thought she was hot. or she could benefit the guy in some way. but theres some nice guys. just rare.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 12:25 PM

I def have very little influence on my gf choices unless she asks me. She's not really impressionable.
   
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Re: Very typical question:Can girls have male friends and a boyfriend? - June 12th 2009, 02:50 PM

I don't see any problem with it at all?¿ I'd find it terrible to neglect my guy friends just because I have a boyfriend. I think I have more guy friends than girl friends, and they're more fun. My boyfriend and i have a lot of mutual friends, both guys and girls, with whom we hang out together, or seperately, a lot.
   
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