I want to break up

[Silvan]

Hi everyone.

I've been with my boyfriend for 1,5 years, living together for over a year.
He's from a different country. We communicate in English.

I had been living in city A, he got a job in city B in my country in March 2022, so we moved in together there. Which means he moved to my country and I moved from city A to city B.
Soon after starting living together I knew this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don't want to rumble that he does this and that wrong. I am the active one in the relationship, with initiative, ambition and the need for growth. He is the passive one, spending all his time playing video games. For this reason and various other ones I believe he does not have good influence on me.

During the period between March 2022 and March 2023 I actually was at the brink of breaking up with him a couple times. It always proved too difficult for me. In March 2023 we were supposed to move to city A - my hometown. We were looking for a new apartment. I thought that was a good moment to break up, and I actually told him I 'want to reconsider our relationship', but soon afterwards recalled my words, because the tension and negative emotions were unbearable for me.

In March 2023 we moved together to city A. We live in a new apartment. And I feel I'm fed up with him, but somehow I cannot bring myself to break up.

It probably sounds ridiculous - I am the one who wants to break up & I am the one who's saying the emotions are unbearable. But that's true. I'm super sensitive, and I cannot imagine telling him, moving out, cleaning all my things, and then suddenly having no contact whatsoever with the person I've been living with for over a year... all the while resisting his 'come on, you have said you want to break up a few times already and nothing ever came out of it, this feeling will pass again and we will be happy' or something...

We have an apartment rental contract that we cannot terminate earlier than September. So either I move out and pay my share until September, or wait until September. I don't know which option is better, neither actually makes sense. My boyfriend doesn't speak my language and I'm pretty sure that if he started looking for a new apartment, he would look for help with me or my family. Obviously I wouldn't want any contact with him to let myself heal, but at the same time I would feel like I'm leaving him alone. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I know he's an adult and he is responsible for himself. But this is logical thinking, and my soft heart can't bear it. It's not like I don't feel anything out of a sudden. I still care for him and his wellbeing is important to me, that's why it's all so hard. I guess if I didn't feel anything, I would just say goodbye and walk out...

[Ennui.]

Hey,

It's understandable that you still care about him even if your romantic feelings for him have changed. I can tell you are a good person for not wanting to leave him alone to find a new apartment and things like that. But you're right that he is an adult and his own person. He does have some experience with moving from moving to City A with you, so maybe that's some experience he can use when he goes to move himself. But you're right when you said that he is an adult. It's not your responsibility to fix things, especially since it would mean being tethered to him when you need a new start. You don't deserve to be stuck where you are unhappy just for someone else's benefit. I can't tell you what the right answer is about breaking up in September or right now, though.

If you have the energy to do so, maybe you can find some resources or guidelines that he would be able to follow when he goes to find a new apartment or when he does other things he will need to do, so that way you can present those things to him and he has a starting point he can go off of. That way he's not totally on his own without help but you're still able to get away from him. But only do this if you have the energy to. I understand that it is a lot of effort!

When you do break up with him you can remind him that this doesn't mean he is a bad person or did anything wrong but that you're at a point where your paths are different and you have different ideals for life. That happens with adults sometimes, where it turns out your lifestyles are just too different, such as with him wanting to play video games all the time where you want more growth. It doesn't mean either one of you are wrong, it just means both of you deserve to move on to find people that do align with your needs. Be firm with him and tell him you'd appreciate it if he didn't try and change your mind or say that the feeling will pass, and that you would appreciate it if he respected your decision.

If you think no contact with him will be hard I'd also block him everywhere you can after you've broken up with him. Again, it's not because he's a bad person, but it's because you won't see any messages he may try to send you and you won't be tempted to message him somewhere and reconsider breaking up.