JEALOUSSS

[queenofthedamned]

My boyfriend had plans to go to another city in 3 weeks to see a friend of his and "support her in a play". I found out by the wrong means, though he says he was going to tell me. I'm so jealous. He says I should trust him because his friend is moving away in June and then he won't be able to see her again. so that's why he has several plans (in 3 weeks, spring break, summer) to see her. I don't care. He never came to another city to visit me. He continues to say it's nothing major but I can tell she likes him. To be honest, I don't trust him. Because to me, this is uncompromisable. If you go to another city for another girl, I don't care if you're just friends, it's wrong to me. I think i deserve better, but we've been together for so long and I don't necessarily think he's cheating, I just think it's unacceptable. I don't know if I'm being ridiculous. I feel bad because I snooped in the first place, but it really was just this once. He used to let me see his e-mail no problem. I'm not going to budge on this, I cried myself to sleep two nights in a row about it. Just don't know what to do because to me this is HUGE red flag. He says he doesn't see it that way.

What to do?

[Rosemma]

I can completly understand how you feel, Id feel the same.
Personally I would think that its unacceptable as well even if they were only friends and if I knew for sure he wouldnt cheat.
I just see it as wrong... like "what makes her so important... should you be spending that time with me"
To be honest I cant really give you good advice because I have some serious jealousy and trust issues because of things in my past.
But I just wanted to say I understand why you feel that way, but I have no idea what you should do.

Maybe think about it this way:
If he goes... how will you react? what would happen to your relationship? is that what you really want? is it worth you changing your mind/opinion and accepting it?
If he stays... then its the same thing, what would happen to your relationship? would you still trust each other? would he always feel like you kept him from doing the things you wanted? would he always bring it up? would he stop you from doing similar things because of the way you reacted to this?

[queenofthedamned]

Thanks Rosemma, yeah, that's exactly how I feel! Also, I would like to add that I don't believe that his not going will truly solve the problem 100% because when he goes home on breaks and stuff he will probably go see her, however, at least he will not be going OUT OF HIS WAY to see her. There is a difference there that is a bit comforting. Hopefully, though it's just probably 3 or max 4 more times they will see eachother till June, but IDK. Just makes me uncomfortable. Don't know if I'm overreacting or what?

Also, any other input would be greatly appreciated!

[Monster.]

Maybe ask him how he would feel if you want to another city to see a male friend?
Would he like it? Maybe you should talk to him and tell him that it's not so much that he is going to see his friend, because by all means friendship are important and you don't want to cut of ties or be the one that isolates him, but that it's more about him not putting that sort of effort in your own relationship.

On the other hand all though it is odd to go to another city, it is his friend and you won't always be the only girl in his life. He is with you and only you. He just wants to have fun with his friend before she leaves for good. She might like him, but thats the end of the story because he likes you.

When he goes out and does stuff with his friends, go out and go with yours, then it won't seem like such a big deal becuase you will be occupied.

[justadream89]

I agree with both of the people above. It is pretty unacceptable. I would be pretty upset if my boyfriend was doing that. As well as, if I were you, let him walk in your shoes for a second. Try and have him see this from your perspective because he obviously isn't seeing it that way. If all else fails, why don't you ask him if you can go with him? Even if you don't intend to, just ask. If this really is just a friendship, then he should be really really happy that you're coming too. I don't know if that would work for sure, but it seems like he would love for you to hang out with both of them if friendship is all it is. I wouldn't break up with him just because you think she likes him, because just because she likes him doesn't mean that he reciprocates the feelings.
Anyway, in any relationship, you shouldn't feel less important than another girl, it just isn't right. You'll find yourself feeling angry a lot being angry a lot at him. So think about that, because I know what it's like to be in a relationship with a guy who hangs out with his other girls who are "friends" often without you. It sucks and it makes you feel so insignificant relative to his girls who are "friends". Does he have other girls who are friends, because if so, this could be more than just a couple of occurrences type of deal. You'll have to ask yourself if you can handle/deal with that and if it is really worth it. In my situation, it wasn't and I broke up with him. But you're guy is more than likely way different than mine was so don't go breaking up with him right away. Give all of it some time and thought. And like said before, try to put him in your shoes. Because really, it isn't fair to you and hopefully he will see that. Good luck!

[Rosemma]

Originally Posted by el90

Thanks Rosemma, yeah, that's exactly how I feel! Also, I would like to add that I don't believe that his not going will truly solve the problem 100% because when he goes home on breaks and stuff he will probably go see her, however, at least he will not be going OUT OF HIS WAY to see her. There is a difference there that is a bit comforting. Hopefully, though it's just probably 3 or max 4 more times they will see eachother till June, but IDK. Just makes me uncomfortable. Don't know if I'm overreacting or what?

Also, any other input would be greatly appreciated!

I dont think youre overreacting. I dont think anyone (not even him) would expect you to be comfortable with it.
Like Katie said you should try asking him how he would feel if it were the other way round.
Also I like Holly's advice. Ask him if you can go to (even if there is no chance you would) or tell him that you want to go. Just see what the reaction is, if he is ok about it then theres nothing to worry about and then tell him you dont think you will be able to go anymore.
If he does have a problem with it, then you should ask him why.

[PSY]

It's not fair to tell your partner that he can't see his friend, especially if she's moving away soon and he won't get the chance to see her again for a long time.

It IS fair to tell your partner that he needs to put that same amount of effort into your relationship. For example, if he's willing to drive 100 miles to see her, but isn't willing to drive 30 miles to see you, then there's definitely something wrong.

The problem isn't that he's visiting a friend... the problem is that he isn't visiting YOU when the circumstances are similar.

[queenofthedamned]

Originally Posted by PSY

It's not fair to tell your partner that he can't see his friend, especially if she's moving away soon and he won't get the chance to see her again for a long time.

It IS fair to tell your partner that he needs to put that same amount of effort into your relationship. For example, if he's willing to drive 100 miles to see her, but isn't willing to drive 30 miles to see you, then there's definitely something wrong.

The problem isn't that he's visiting a friend... the problem is that he isn't visiting YOU when the circumstances are similar.

I think I just had an epiphany. I think you are right, PSY! I talked to him about it, and he's sure she is just a friend. It's THIS issue that is still nagging at me. Thank you for this advice. I think it is resolvable now.

[PSY]

Any time, Ellie! I'm glad I could help. =) In that case, I'm closing your thread, but don't hesitate to post in R&D again about this or any other issue.