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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Getting over the jealouy... - January 28th 2010, 01:53 PM

About a year and a half ago I found something on my boyfriends computer (completely by accident) that really upset me. At the time I tried to shove it aside and forget about it, because I really love him.. a lot. We had a wonderful relationship up until then. Well, after all this time for some reason all of a sudden I can't get it out of my head. I think about it, and how much it hurt me, and its really starting to affect the way I'm feeling about him right now. Here's what happened...

I was visiting at his apartment and got on his laptop to check my myspace. When I went to type in the address the drop down list displayed page after page after page where he had been looking at pictures of my cousin. She is the type of person who posts a ton of really scandalous pictures of herself everywhere. And I noticed (for reasons I wont go into) that he had been doing this regularly over a long period of time. Like he was obsessed with her or something...

I wasn't worried that they were talking or anything, because she lives really far away, and believe it or not, she wouldnt do that to me.

So now all of a sudden, I just keep asking myself... what else was he doing/looking at with all of his alone time. Because since we've been living together (over a year now) we've had a lot of issues with similar things.

Besides this, our relationship is perfect. We've been together for a long time, we have a beautiful son together. I just want to get over this. How do I get over the jealousy that he likes to look at other women (even those related to me :/ ).

Talking doesn't work. We talk all the time about how I feel (my insecurity and things) and things never change. He knows how I feel. I want this to work. I've even been considering counceling. For both of us together, and just for me personally. Maybe to work out some self esteem issues. I just don't know what to do. Am I over reacting? How would anyone else handle this situation and feel about their significant other spending all of their free time thinking of other women, and not you? Thanks in advance...
   
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Re: Getting over the jealouy... - January 28th 2010, 05:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BadFish View Post
Talking doesn't work. We talk all the time about how I feel (my insecurity and things) and things never change. He knows how I feel. I want this to work. I've even been considering counceling. For both of us together, and just for me personally. Maybe to work out some self esteem issues. I just don't know what to do. Am I over reacting? How would anyone else handle this situation and feel about their significant other spending all of their free time thinking of other women, and not you? Thanks in advance...
counselling sounds like a great idea. personally if i was in your situation, i would have been furious!! i would have possibly asked what the heck he was doing and if it wasn't a good enough answer i'd tell him to get out my life for good! i have very low self esteem, i cannot be dealing with a guy like that staring at pictures of other girls. why does he need to look at her when he has you??.no you are not over reacting at all. it would completly damage me if that happened. have you confronted him about this?? if so what did he say??.

i think you need to sit down and think about what is best for you.
   
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Re: Getting over the jealouy... - January 28th 2010, 07:23 PM

Yeah I confronted him about it when I found it (like I said, this was a long long time ago). He really didn't have an explanation. I think it was just because she's pretty and she posts a lot of half naked pictures of herself, and she does it often. She was on my top friends for awhile so I think he just happened to find his way to her page once, and then continued to keep going back.

I feel exactly the way you explain... sometimes I wish I could go back in time and just break up with him for what I found. And like I said, we've had similar issues since. He blames it on the fact that he was so lonely for so long and the computer is all he had. But the point is, he has me now. And he doesnt make me feel good enough at all, even though he says differently. Sometimes I just think he keeps me around and tells me he loves me because he doesnt want to be alone again. Plus we have a family now... so I dont feel like I can just up and leave over something that happened a long time ago that he thinks we're past.

How do you go about finding a counselor? Are they like... therapists... or are they actually listed as couples counselors? This just keeps eating at me, along with the other things we've been through recently. I really wish I could just toss his stupid computer out the window.


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Re: Getting over the jealouy... - January 29th 2010, 02:31 AM

Hey, Joce. There are counselors who specialize in "marriage and family" therapy. They usually have "MFT" degrees, but may also have "PhD" or "PsyD" degrees. I'd personally go with someone who has an MFT degree, because 1) it's their specialty (hence the name of their degree), and 2) they'll charge less than someone with a doctorate degree (PhD/PsyD).





   
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