mummy's little boy

[I-Love-him]

i just need your opinion here.
my boyfriend and i are in a fantastic relationship, i love him so much and he puts up with me through everything but his mum is a complete control freak! and it's getting to a point now where it is affecting the relationship and really starting to annoy me. i've just about had enough. i'll give you some quick examples of why shes such a witch!...(SKIP THESE IF YOU WANT)...

1. when we was going out for our 6 month anniversary meal, i was busy getting ready,took me 2 hours to get ready (you know us girls lol) and at the very last minute my boyfriend txt me saying he can't come to the meal because his mum doesn't want hmi to and will throw him out if he does.
2. sometimes he has two days off (bare in mind he lives 1 hour away from me,2 hours if i catch the bus) and on these days he could see me and it would be better to stay over the night because of fuel and money but his mum won't have it at all! so our intimate relationship is kinda going out the window, i hardly get a chance to cuddle up to him!
3. whenever i go to his house,she will not leave us alone!
4. a lot of the time when me and him are out somewhere,she will continuously phone or text and be very thretening telling him to come home but usualy we are quite far away but she don't care, she just hates him going anywhere.
etc etc.




and now it's driving me insane! she controls him and to be honest the worst part about it is HE LETS HER!!! i understand it's hard for him but he is 20 in a few days and still refuses to tell his mum that he is grown up now. he says he doesn't like arguing with her because he respects her, but she doesn't respect him at all. and now i've had enough,we've been going out 9 months and yet she can't get over it! i've told him that it's his last chance now, i'm sick of her controlling him which in affect controls parts of our relationship and i've told him if he lets her control him one more time i'm going to have to think about our relationship. to be quite honest i don't like guys who are controlled by there parents and i don't like mummy's little boys.

so main question, do you think this is fair?? like what i said to him??

[jellyfish]

Wow, this sounds like jealousy! She doesnt seem to like that her little boy has grown up and has another woman who he loves and would put first!
I'm afraid, by the looks of things, you cant do much about this situation. You can try talking to him and explaining that he is infact an adult and no one has the right to control him. But at the end of the day its his mum, and I know it can be quite hard to stand up to a parent.
Maybe try explaining that she is putting strain on your relationship and is making his quality of life pretty crappy, and is making you unhappy too.

I hope it works out for you

[Pheonix]

I say kill her with kindness. Be very polite and nice to her. Bring her a gift like flowers on her birthday. Ask her advice on something!!! She's feeling as if she isn't valued and everybody wants to feel good about themselves and worthwhile. People fall in love with how they feel about themselves when they are around you. Compliment her on something. Is she a good cook? Is that sweater a nice color on her? Be nice as hell. Don't tell her she's stressing your relationship because nobody wants to feel guilty and wouldn't you be embarrassed if you were jealous of your kid's partner? It's kind of vaguely incestuous and nobody wants to admit they feel like that! Don't say anything negative to her because there is no way in hell she's going to admit it even to herself, so she'll just think you're a bitch! As I said, be very nice. Ask her advice on something for sure, even if you don't really want to. compliment her. Ask her out to dinner with both of you. Let her know that just because you're dating her son, does not mean she is not an important part of his life because she is and always will be. When people feel desperate, they cling really hard to try not to lose that something, like her son. If she felt more secure, I bet she'd be more comfortable letting him go for a bit because she'd know he's coming back. Really, take an interest in her and make her feel important. Let her do something with the two of you, so she knows you're something other than her replacement. It might not be comfortable at first, but she's probably not that bad, just scared. For a lot of people, children are a real part of them even though it's not the healthiest thing, it isn't going to change. Treat her like a friend and not a hinderance, so she feels welcome and not threatened. Maybe tell her he must get his "insert good attribute here" from her or her parenting. Make her feel proud of herself. She'll remember who gave her those feelings and want you around more. Try to be as sincere as possible.

[I-Love-him]

Originally Posted by Pheonix

I say kill her with kindness. Be very polite and nice to her. Bring her a gift like flowers on her birthday. Ask her advice on something!!! She's feeling as if she isn't valued and everybody wants to feel good about themselves and worthwhile. People fall in love with how they feel about themselves when they are around you. Compliment her on something. Is she a good cook? Is that sweater a nice color on her? Be nice as hell. Don't tell her she's stressing your relationship because nobody wants to feel guilty and wouldn't you be embarrassed if you were jealous of your kid's partner? It's kind of vaguely incestuous and nobody wants to admit they feel like that! Don't say anything negative to her because there is no way in hell she's going to admit it even to herself, so she'll just think you're a bitch! As I said, be very nice. Ask her advice on something for sure, even if you don't really want to. compliment her. Ask her out to dinner with both of you. Let her know that just because you're dating her son, does not mean she is not an important part of his life because she is and always will be. When people feel desperate, they cling really hard to try not to lose that something, like her son. If she felt more secure, I bet she'd be more comfortable letting him go for a bit because she'd know he's coming back. Really, take an interest in her and make her feel important. Let her do something with the two of you, so she knows you're something other than her replacement. It might not be comfortable at first, but she's probably not that bad, just scared. For a lot of people, children are a real part of them even though it's not the healthiest thing, it isn't going to change. Treat her like a friend and not a hinderance, so she feels welcome and not threatened. Maybe tell her he must get his "insert good attribute here" from her or her parenting. Make her feel proud of herself. She'll remember who gave her those feelings and want you around more. Try to be as sincere as possible.

i see where you are coming from but i just cannot do that. i hardly see her anyway because of time. but i really feel like she doesn't deserve kindness at all, i'm not saying i'm going to be a bitch to her because i won't, i'm just not willing to treat her like queen of england.

besides,i really don't think this is all her fault, i really think it is also down to my boyfriend,he lets her control his life and it's affecting him aswel as our relationship and he refuses to do anything about it. it is so frustrating, half of me can't stand this women but when we speak everything is fine because she covers up how horrible she is! i don't know how to get it into my boyfriends head that he needs to stop her from ruling his life!!!

[PSY]

Originally Posted by I-Love-him

i see where you are coming from but i just cannot do that. i hardly see her anyway because of time. but i really feel like she doesn't deserve kindness at all, i'm not saying i'm going to be a bitch to her because i won't, i'm just not willing to treat her like queen of england.

I don't think Pheonix was telling you to suck up to his mother... in fact, I believe s/he has a valid point. Parents can be very insecure about where they stand in their child's life. Your boyfriend has now found a wonderful girlfriend... and frankly, many mothers would be a bit worried, cautious, perhaps even hostile at first, until they had a chance to spend more time with their child's new partner. Fathers can be the same way about their daughters... my father didn't trust my boyfriend until veeery recently, and we've been dating for well over three years.

The strategy Pheonix mentioned CAN work, if you play your cards right. No, you don't have to treat her like the queen of England. BUT, if you're sickeningly sweet to her, it will be VERY difficult for her to find anything bad to say about you. I mean, how would you react, if your son's girlfriend always sent birthday/Christmas cards, little gifts from time to time, and even asked to meet for coffee every now and then? I know that you live a good distance away from his mother, but why not try and make an effort to see her every now and then - with AND without your boyfriend present? What is she going to do? Say that she doesn't want cards from you, doesn't want your gifts, and doesn't want to be treated to free coffee? Only someone who is truly irrational would think that way. Essentially, she'll have no choice but to accept that you're a decent person. She may never FULLY accept you, but she won't be able to maintain this hatred for you, either.

Originally Posted by I-Love-him

besides,i really don't think this is all her fault, i really think it is also down to my boyfriend,he lets her control his life and it's affecting him aswel as our relationship and he refuses to do anything about it. it is so frustrating, half of me can't stand this women but when we speak everything is fine because she covers up how horrible she is! i don't know how to get it into my boyfriends head that he needs to stop her from ruling his life!!!

There is one thing I would like to say to this. Your boyfriend is 20, which means he's TECHNICALLY an adult, who can TECHNICALLY live his life however he'd like, regardless of what his mother says or does... but it seems to me that he's financially dependent upon her. If he's living under her roof, then frankly, he has to abide by her rules. So it's not a simple matter of standing up for himself. If he did that, he could get kicked out of the house... which would, undoubtedly, put a huge strain on your relationship. He's compromising his freedom and happiness in order to gain certain luxuries.

You are welcomed to disagree with his decision... but try putting yourself in his shoes for a moment, and try to understand how frightening the idea of getting your own apartment, getting a job, providing for yourself in ALL regards, can be to a 20-year-old boy. Dealing with a controlling mother doesn't seem nearly as bad as all of that, when you think about it. If you want to offer him that same financial support... if you want to offer him your apartment/house while he looks for a job and saves up some money... then by all means, tell him you're willing to go the extra mile! But I have the feeling that you're not all-to-eager to become his surrogate mother.

If this is truly a deal-breaker for you, then I guess you're going to have to break up with him... because no matter how much you may want him to change for you, he can't. At least, not overnight. It's simply unreasonable for you to expect him to act so rashly. Yes, this relationship probably means a lot to him, but his well-being also means a lot to him. This includes things other than love, such as his overall happiness, his health, his financial security, his material goods, etc.