Trust

[Kella]

(im not sure if this should go in here)
I've only had two boyfriends, both being long term friends with me before, and i knew them both inside out (or so i thoguht). When me and my first boyfriend (loosly used... we nevr really kissed properly ) split up we stayed friends and became really close. His best friend then became my best friend and eventualy we became really close. I knew he wasnt happy with himself or his life, and nether was i, and so we helped each other out. When he asked me out i was happy and worried at the same time... he had experience with others and i had nothing. Non of my girl friends new anything about proper relationships, but he knew that and respected it. It was great for the first month, he didnt presure me or loose his temper at hwo slow i wanted to take things. Then cracks started to apear. He told me he has waited for me to be "normal" (meaning that i had 'stoped' sh) and that he didnt want me to wear makeup. He wanted to go further than i did, nothing major but i wasnt comftable with it. Nxt he started loosing his temper and shouting at me infront of my friends, and i would have to apolagyse for somthing i thought i hadnt done wrong. One day he was playfighting with a friend and lost his temper. Instead of taking out on that person he pinned me by the neck infront of a full house. I've nevr felt so helpless or embaressed. I couldnt be near him anymore without a friend there for fear of him loosing it. I would make excuses up so i didnt ahve to see him. When i finaly got the courage to end it i asked if we could still be friends.
A month after he stopped talking to everyone who was his friends, and his mother blamed me for his deppresion. His mum apolagized and i know why he was like that but now i cant trust most men and have to think if im safe with them around. I knew him for years and i still hadnt seent hat side of him... what about others who ive only know for months?

i was wondering if anyone else has a simular problem and if so how do you cope with it?

[Fishie]

Once someone breaks your trust and makes you question trusting them, this puts an affect on your trust towards others automatically. Trust is something you aren't going to be handing out anytime soon. I am so sorry to hear what has happened, but it is a great thing you got out when you did as things could have gotten worse. As for trying to trust others, you are going to have to give it time. Slowly start trusting people, just when meeting new guys and talking to them meet in groups with his friends and yours, only talk about topics your comfortable with, be upfront with him and tell him what happened, you'd be surprised how hard it is for guys to trust girls sometimes. Honesty is the best policy. By being open and being able to talk about it, the communication will be better and make for a healthy relationship. Just be cautious but try not to be too cautious as in questioning everything he does, if you find yourself questioning everything than there is trust lacking between you two and the only way to trust someine is open communication and by proving it through acts and talks.

[Doodle]

Yikes, that's no good. I'm glad you had the sense to get out of that relationship. o.o;;

As for trusting people.. I have a similar issue, so I basically think like this:
1. I assume that people, in general and for the most part, are telling the truth. This doesn't mean I'm oblivious to things. With anyone keep an eye out for inconsistencies in their behavior and whatnot, but don't drive yourself crazy worrying, wondering, and whatever else.
2. Words are nice and all, but a lot of the time if someone is confusing you, just look at their actions. If they say they care about you, yet do other things which make you feel bad.. then the actions are what's speaking the truth, not the words.
3. Take calculated risks in trusting someone. I've heard it takes spending 10 years with someone in order to really know them, so these guys you're meeting you can't possibly know, or predict if they'll be the same as your ex. So try to keep your feelings guarded at first as you observe them and interact with them. Slowly let intimacy build. As for the pace--just whatever pace you're comfortable with. Don't ever compromise your comfort though.

Go at your own pace, and don't tolerate the intolerable. Know that you're never trapped; if a guy you're with turns out to be a total A-hole you can always dump him and have nothing to do with him.

I've just learned to accept that you can never really know whether you can really put your trust in a person.. but over time you'll gain experience and learn to recognize warning signs. My mother always tells me that throughout your life with relationships you never really know or find what you want, but over time you definitely get a clear idea of what you don't want.

Oh, these qualities in a person help me trust them:
Reliability (answering when you call, doing what they say they will do)
Consistency
Punctuality
Respectful
Gentle
Understanding

Yep.. In a nutshell, my thoughts on that matter. Hope that helped. As for having trust issues in relation to a relationship.. It might be better to hold off on another until you're very comfortable and emotionally healthy. Just work on trusting friends and acquaintances, and learning from them. ..Hoped that makes sense? I say friends because a boyfriend will put more strain on you just by being a boyfriend, which I find inherently leads to feeling obligated and guilty. =/ That, and nothing hurts a relationship more than being mentally/emotionally unhealthy, so I've noticed...

Good luck! Hope I helped.

[Kella]

Thank you to both of you this has helped alot!

[PSY]

I've been in two relationships. The first lasted for two years, and I didn't begin to see his "abusive" side until one year into the relationship. I kept thinking that it would pass, that it wasn't his "real" side, etc., but in the end, I left him for my current boyfriend. We've been together for three and a half years, and still no signs of abusive behavior. =) I guess what I'm trying to say is that, unfortunately, some boyfriends (and girlfriends!) will end up showing their "abusive" sides, sooner or later. It may present itself before you've even begun to date, or it may not manifest until the "honeymoon" phase has ended. BUT, not all men are like that! All you can really do is use your "street smarts", when dating, and if you see signs of abuse, GET OUT. If all is well, then assume all will CONTINUE to be well, until proven otherwise. "Innocent until proven guilty". =D

[Kella]

thank you this helps alot, hopefuly i can find someone who wont be like that and will understand