Saying No

[PlayingPretend]

So...

Boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. He's in England, I'm in California, but despite the distance, in June, it'll have been a year. There have been ups and downs, as in any relationship, but we've continued to pull through and we've continued to be happy. He's well aware of my background and sexual needs, and he's sympathetic, compassionate and extraordinarily patient. He's told me before that he loves me, and it's just that simple, when I've expressed the idea that we might not have sex throughout the course of our relationship. When we met for the first time, he asked me permission before doing anything but the first time he kissed me. And though neither of us are in it for marriage, we both see each other being together for a while. So the problem isn't the relationship. The problem isn't him. The problem is me.

I do things that I'm not ready for, I say yes when I don't want it, simply because a) I don't want him to force me and b) I don't want him to leave me. Thinking rationally, and logically, he wouldn't do either. He loves me, "it's that simple," and our relationship is strong enough without sex, as most long-distance relationships have to be. But emotionally, I struggle with that fear. I was molested and I was raped and by two different people, and as such, am used to people taking it from me. To me, and in my mind, it'd be easier to give it than to watch it forced from me.

For example, when he was over, I ended up giving him a blowjob when I wasn't in the mood. Things had started out grand! I was in the mood! I was as turned-on as he was! I was ready to please him! But then I had a mood swing. Not thinking it was fair, I tried giving him a blowjob even though I no longer felt like it, and ended up bursting out crying in the middle. Another example is, the last day he was here, I let him stimulate my clit/bring me to orgasm simply because he wanted to give back and because I felt I was being selfish and silly for not wanting him too. Though the orgasm was great, it made me feel awful, guilty and filthy in the end and though didn't lead to a flashback of thoughts, led to a flashback of emotion.

The thing is, we have argued/talked about this on a couple occasions. It upsets him that I'm saying yes to or doing these things that I flat-out don't want to do, and he says I need to tell him when I want it and when I don't. When I said I'd try, he said "no, do." So I guess my question is, when you're so scared of being abandoned or being punished, how do you say no? How do you work up the courage or the gall to turn down someone you'd do anything to keep? I love pleasing him, love pleasuring him, etc. but I don't like being on the receiving end, and though he's fine with it, I have a hard time actually telling him when I don't want something...... And I'm not quite sure how to start.

[flowerchild32273]

well it sounds like he's a really great guy and he's not even leaving all the work up to you. he asks you before doing anything if it's ok. when he asks you just need to stop for a minute and ask yourself "is this ok? do i want this? am i comfortable with this?" and if the answer to any of those questions is no then just tell him no. he obviously understands why so it shouldnt need any explanation beyond that.

also, if you start something because you want to and become uncomfortable or loose the mood, just stop. tell him how youre feeling. dont continue doing it if you arent comfortable or if it is upsetting you. im sure its worse for him if you start crying than if you just stop before it gets to that point.

Another good step to take would be to find things to do together that dont involve being alone in a room together. When you put yourself in a situation like that you often set yourself up to feel like something sexual should happen. go out and take a walk with him and hold hands. maybe go somewhere fun like an amusement park or mini golf or something together. go out on a dinner date. You can also have things to do when you are alone like playing card or board games. movies can be nice too but i know that when youre all cuddled up watching a movie other things tend to happen. maybe watch a movie together in a family area where there are other people around if you live at home. you can snuggle a little on the couch and not worry about sexual things.

hope this helps some!

[darkinnocenteyes]

First of all, don't beat yourself up or feel dirty. I understand how because when I was younger I was molested by two different people one when I was 5 and one when I was 12... When I turned 14 I got into my first physical relationship with a 16 year old boy. Although at the begining of that relationship I was not even comfortable with him touching my inner thigh, he was very controlling and over time he became more and more intent on doing sexual things. I loved him, and I was insecure like you, and he pushed me without me realizing it, so I did what he asked. I did many many things I was not ready for... and eventually the relationship fell apart because I was in pieces with the amount of guilt I felt. It took me 3 more years after that to become comfortable sexually. My advice is when you are not comfortable, then say no. If you say yes then you are only adding to your guilt feelings and it will take you longer to get comfortable later. Also if you'd like to get over some of your fear, which I had to work to do... first you need to be sure you are in a loving realtionship. This guy your with sounds like a really good guy, someone that will love you and understand your fears and help you work through them if you ask. Only be with someone who will understand your worth. Realize your own worth and come to terms with the fact that if someone rejects you because you are scared of something then forget about them. There are people out there that will respect you. Second you need to delve deep into your fears. Understand Exactly why you feel the way you do about performing or reciveing certain pleasures. AND Undertand that rape and a loving relationship are not related. Separate that from the relationship you have with your boy because it is in no way the same... Sex is supposed to express love. It is not dirty in the slightest. It is not degrading but it is beauty, think of it this way the whole time you are with him, even when it is playful or kinky, it's just fun with your love. Also go very slow, if you are scared to do something, wait until your courage outweighs the fear, and practice until you are comfortable. I hope this stuff helps. I know he lives far away and it may take a long while till you could even become comfortable, I just wanted to let you know how I did it.