A Really Delicate Situation...

[Shattered_Girl]

My senior prom was last weekend. I had asked a guy to go with me, but he was already taking someone else. Everyone kept telling me it would be cool of me to take a junior boy named Marcus. Marcus is a boy in a wheelchair who has cerebral palsy. He is also a little slow. He kept asking me and would always ask me in front of other people. There was a lot of pressure in the situation. I ended up agreeing to go with him. Don't get me wrong, we are friends. It's just that he likes me as way more than that and I don't want to lead him on. Anyway, I am a senior this year and had a lot of ideas for how my prom should be. I wanted to rent a limo, hang out with all my friends, and go to the mall in our formal wear. Instead, I was in a tiny group with just me and Marcus and one other couple. His parents came to eat too but sat at a different table. We went to an empty restaurant and conversation was awkward because his parents were so close by. Obviously, because of him being in a wheelchair, we couldn't get a limo or go to the mall. During the actual dance, Marcus kept trying to hold my hand. He also followed me literally everywhere I went. I did not get to talk to many friends because of this. At one point in the night, I went to the bathroom to reapply my lipstick for pictures, and I was only in there for a couple minutes when one of my friends came in. She said, "You better hurry. Marcus is out there calling your name!" I felt very frustrated. I tried to dance with him in a group of our friends, but the groups always closed on us. At one point he whispered, "I really like you." Now, when he sees me at school, he still follows me. I have two problems here. The first is that he seems to think we are dating, but we are not and I have no intention to be dating him, because I like someone else. I need to let him down softly, but due to his condition, this has proved a challenge. People keep telling me how sweet I am for taking him, and I can't stand to hear it. I know I am very selfish(just look at what I've written), and that leads to the next problem. Part of me resents the fact that I was pressured to give a junior guy his perfect prom, when he still has another prom left, when this was my last prom ever and it should have been MY perfect prom. All I wanted was to hang out with friends and have it be perfect. And before anyone else points it out to me, I'll say the truth for myself: I'm a very selfish bitch.

[Sonofalich]

You're no more selfish than the next human.

Simply, he is not for you. You know this. You should not be ashamed of yourself for admitting this.

Sadly in life people do get the wrong idea...I've broken countless hearts by girls simply thinking I want more than sex even though they all knew before hand thats all I wanted. I've had my heart broken by girls I actually care about and loved, thats just life.

Regardless of the conditions he is suffering from. If he enters the world of dating, he is equal to all of us, he is open to face rejection. Just like every other guy on this planet. To treat him differently because of his condition would be the wrong thing.

I'm not saying you have to be nasty, these are two different things. However what I am saying is, you should ask him to come over, or ask to come to his. Let him down slowly, explain truthfully why not. ie you feel no attraction. Don't make up excuses because I've no idea how good a liar you are. But if he does not beleive you in the slighest way... you will have problems.

Honesty is the best policy always. Unless you are a spider and your master web are the lies you spin. But I digress.

[ajm524]

Well, you should treat this no differently then you would a normal situation like this. Because, if u dont let him down, then hes gona go through life, subconsusly thinking that, because he is in a wheelchair, everything he wants is gona happen, when rly, there is going 2 b someone who will refuse 2 go out with him *because* of his wheelchair.
You would actually b hurting his chances of a successful social life. Oh, and watever u do, if and when u tell him, *DO NOT* say, "it not because you in wheelchair...", cause he will automatically think it is. But, if *he* says it is, u have 2 say no, try ur best 2 convince him, but if u cant, dont say it true, just accept that he wont believe u

[flippinmayonnaise]

Hey there!

You are not selfish, you are human. And have you thought for a minute that it might be selfish of him to expect you to go along with everything? From what it sounds like to me, you gave up a lot to be a nice person- a very unselfish thing to do.

About prom, just try to forget about it. It's in the past and there's nothing you can do to change what has already happened. Dwelling on it will just make you miserable.

And about the boy, you need to let him down. Gently. Pull him aside and tell him that you think he's a great guy, but you don't want to be anything more than friends. Don't mention anything about his cerebral palsy, though he will most likely naturally assume that is the reason. Maybe tell him that you're leaving soon (if you are? college? trade school? etc. etc.) and that you don't think it's a great idea to be with anyone. Or you can be honest and just tell him that you have feelings for someone else. Be sure, however, to let him know that you think he's a great guy and you want to continue a strictly platonic friendship. Treat it like any other break-up.

Good luck and keep your head up!
-Jen

[Shattered_Girl]

Thanks guys I just feel bad about the whole thing. But he won't stop following me

[PSY]

Why WOULDN'T he follow you? Like you said, he thinks the two of you are dating. Tell him the truth as gently (but clearly) as possible. If he's STILL following you around AFTER you've told him, then try talking to a school counselor. See if s/he would be willing to work as a mediator, and tell Marcus that he needs to give you some space.

[Shattered_Girl]

I'll try that PSY. And by the way, I love your avatar. Hugh Jackman is gorgeous! <3

[PSY]

Thanks! And yeah, I'm not gonna lie... he's drop-dead handsome. <333

Feel free to keep us updated on the situation. I'm not too familiar with cerebral palsy, but if he also has a specific teacher/aid that helps him in-between classes (due to his disability), it may be worth speaking to him/her as well. I know it's difficult to let someone down, especially when you're concerned that they may take it harder than the average person... but you can't lead him on, either. That would be even more cruel.

As for your friends... just try to take this entire situation as a lesson learned. Peer pressure isn't fun. So, when faced with another situation like this, take your time to decide whether or not this is REALLY something you want to do. If it is, then you won't have any regrets about doing something just because friends told you to. If it isn't, then try to be more assertive the next time your friends pressure you about the same thing.

You're not selfish for wanting to have the "perfect" prom... it's what almost every girl wants! And who knows... someday, you may even be able to look back on all of this, and pat yourself on the back for doing something nice for Marcus (and not just because your friends said so!).

[Jacksonian]

Originally Posted by Shattered_Girl

My senior prom was last weekend. I had asked a guy to go with me, but he was already taking someone else. Everyone kept telling me it would be cool of me to take a junior boy named Marcus. Marcus is a boy in a wheelchair who has cerebral palsy. He is also a little slow. He kept asking me and would always ask me in front of other people. There was a lot of pressure in the situation. I ended up agreeing to go with him. Don't get me wrong, we are friends. It's just that he likes me as way more than that and I don't want to lead him on. Anyway, I am a senior this year and had a lot of ideas for how my prom should be. I wanted to rent a limo, hang out with all my friends, and go to the mall in our formal wear. Instead, I was in a tiny group with just me and Marcus and one other couple. His parents came to eat too but sat at a different table. We went to an empty restaurant and conversation was awkward because his parents were so close by. Obviously, because of him being in a wheelchair, we couldn't get a limo or go to the mall. During the actual dance, Marcus kept trying to hold my hand. He also followed me literally everywhere I went. I did not get to talk to many friends because of this. At one point in the night, I went to the bathroom to reapply my lipstick for pictures, and I was only in there for a couple minutes when one of my friends came in. She said, "You better hurry. Marcus is out there calling your name!" I felt very frustrated. I tried to dance with him in a group of our friends, but the groups always closed on us. At one point he whispered, "I really like you." Now, when he sees me at school, he still follows me. I have two problems here. The first is that he seems to think we are dating, but we are not and I have no intention to be dating him, because I like someone else. I need to let him down softly, but due to his condition, this has proved a challenge. People keep telling me how sweet I am for taking him, and I can't stand to hear it. I know I am very selfish(just look at what I've written), and that leads to the next problem. Part of me resents the fact that I was pressured to give a junior guy his perfect prom, when he still has another prom left, when this was my last prom ever and it should have been MY perfect prom. All I wanted was to hang out with friends and have it be perfect. And before anyone else points it out to me, I'll say the truth for myself: I'm a very selfish bitch.

Hold on a second here. I don't think you are selfish just for wanting an even to go nice for you. First of all, I think you should be yourself. You too have that desire for things to go nice, so that isn't a problem. I think you should keep trying to tell him that you don't like him and as you said, to to tell him gently. Because it doesn't mean that you too should be made uncomfortable. Talk to him, if it proves ever more the harder, go to someone who knows how to communicate with him the best and ask for help there too. But I don't think you are selfish for wanting to have that which you want, especially if its not a bad thing.