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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Jealousy & Immaturity on my Part, Perhaps... But It Hurts So Bad. - April 29th 2010, 03:38 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of substance use, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So I mentioned my basic breakup problem yesterday in "So Here I Am. Alone Again."

Here's my new problem, as brief as possible:
So I decided to stay living here, with him, for the moment at least. I think my mother would make me go insane and if I moved in with her, I'd never see him again.
He wants us to be "strong by ourselves before we can be strong in each other." He never really said it, but like... we should make friends outside the relationship and such.
I mentioned I might go out with my friend Kristen. So he said "Well, I might go hang out with so&so." Like... I know thats no big deal... but it made my stomach drop. He's never really gone out with friends without me, and he knows my friend Kristen is just like a therapy session. I know its completely immature of me, but considering I've been with him and lived with him so long, living in a certain, kind of isolated way... I'm so terrified.

We got in a minor fight last night. He just recently met a guy friend who, to me, comes off as the partying, drug-taking type... he claims that he's pretty nerdy, just pretty cool and yeah, kind of into drugs.
I mentioned I didn't want him to take drugs with someone else... especially since it would be his first time.

He said "I thought we broke up" in like, the harshest tone I've ever heard. I just sat there, bit my tongue, and cried quietly. That hurt so bad. I feel like, even if we're just friends (BEST friends who live together) that things can't really be all that different than when we were together, you know? It terrifies me that its a possibility of us going to separate parties, or making new friends, etc... He even mentioned he might not tell me stuff if he thinks it'll just make me unreasonably upset.

So if you don't want to read through all of that, answer me this: how am I supposed to just chill out, back off, and let live with a guy that I love (and always says he loves me) when I feel so... close to him? It makes me literally feel sick, the thought of him going out and hanging out with others, leaving me behind. For the last year and a half or more, we've done everything together, just me and him.
   
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Re: Jealousy & Immaturity on my Part, Perhaps... But It Hurts So Bad. - April 29th 2010, 05:21 PM

Time is the only answer Jessica, I am afraid.

You will be hurt, especially as your living with him. But you have to be honest with yourself. You can't expect him to do things anymore or not do things either. Because you have no say in the matter anymore. It's up to him to make his own mistakes and from what you've said in other posts. That is what he wants to do.

It will be very hard as any relationship end is when one person still has a massive ammount of feelings for the other. You just have had no time to accept, things are different. Things will never be the same again unless you do get back together. But blindly hoping for that is not healthy. Also from what he has said, he wants you to do the same as him. Learn, go live... makes mistakes. Learn from them. Maybe one day you will get back with him, once you've both had a bit of life experiance.

There is no advice I can give you on what will make you feel better. Because I've just split up with my long term girlfriend and I understand exactly what you are feeling. Every picture, every text, even stupid things. Like when I see someone driving the car she had... I'm always looking incase it is her.

But that's just how it is. Time will heal me, and it will heal you. I'm sorry there is nothing more I can add. You sound like a lovley girl and you just have your head in a bit of a mess right now.
   
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Re: Jealousy & Immaturity on my Part, Perhaps... But It Hurts So Bad. - April 29th 2010, 05:38 PM

Thanks so much for your time.

And I'm trying to let time heal things. I'm trying to sort of become numb to the situation and maybe go out and do my own thing, and let him do his. But he keeps playing with my feelings.

This morning, for instance... His goodbye was just yelling goodbye as he went out through the door, despite him this last week giving me kisses on the cheek or forehead. I took a deep breath and said "this is how its gonna be" to myself, and I was okay, just felt a little sad. Then he starts texting me, and I reply, not coldly, but not necessarily giddily either. He says I sounded stiff, that I need to add more smileys or something. I don't understand how I'm supposed to be all smiley right now.

And another thing? When he gets in a "guy mood," he starts flirting with me. He even mentioned once, just yesterday, "its almost like.... we shouldn't break up...." (he was "in the mood").

Its like UGH.

This is killing me.

I want the old him back... and if I can't have that fully, then I don't want flashes of it every other day!
   
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Re: Jealousy & Immaturity on my Part, Perhaps... But It Hurts So Bad. - April 29th 2010, 05:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TrouverMonBut View Post
I don't want flashes of it every other day!
I totally agree. You should have a chat with him and say to him something along the lines of.

"You broke us up, that was your choice. You cannot keep giving me glimmers of hope or flirting with me. You've made your choice now live by it like a man. I still love you and I want to get over you and move on with my own life. But you're not allowing me to. I feel as if you are allowed to move on with yours but I am still trapped. Please do not do this anymore. I want to be your best friend."

As for thanking me for my time, no bother. That is why I am here.

Truth is Jessica, that you moving on and getting on with your own life will probably make him jealous and want you back. But then, it will be your choice. Maybe you won't want him back, because maybe you will be having too much fun with your life.
   
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Re: Jealousy & Immaturity on my Part, Perhaps... But It Hurts So Bad. - April 29th 2010, 06:08 PM

That is great advice. I'll try to do that... I just need to find the time and confidence. At the same time I feel like I don't want to... but thats just silly/immature because I know the only reason I feel that way is because its nice to have that attention.

Oh gawd.

I really hope that I can.. break free, of sorts. Not necessarily from him, but the freedom to enjoy my life without being jealous, or heartachey. I shouldn't have to deal with this crap.

I just hope I can live through seeing him go off without me the first couple times...
   
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Re: Jealousy & Immaturity on my Part, Perhaps... But It Hurts So Bad. - April 29th 2010, 06:10 PM

Time will heal you Jessica. As it is healing me. If you do want more help ever and you don't want to post. You can always just give me a PM and I will do my best to help.
   
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Re: Jealousy & Immaturity on my Part, Perhaps... But It Hurts So Bad. - April 29th 2010, 06:16 PM

Thank you =) And likewise.
   
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