Weathering that first fight -
May 30th 2010, 08:31 AM
All healthy relationships have conflict; it's just a fact of life. So after that first major fight with your partner, no matter what the topic, what did you learn about one another? What conflict resolution skills did you develop? What was the most important thing you took away from it?
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to." "I don't much care where-" "Then it doesn't matter which way you go."
Re: Weathering that first fight -
May 30th 2010, 05:27 PM
My boyfriend and I have fought once, and only once, to the point of raising our voices at each other. It was almost terrifying because there was a lot said and done that neither one of us meant but that scared the both of us into thinking that that would be that and this would be it - especially since we'd never argued to the point of having our voices raised (his voice was raised, and I reached a point of full-on screaming). It didn't help that I was defending an extraordinarily touchy, and quite thought-provoking (negatively so), issue that tapped into the opposite ends of the same nerve for us.
But we worked through it, and I feel we've come out a lot stronger because of it. Yes, the issue came up again recently, a couple months later, and it probably hurt equally as bad, if not more, because I had thought it'd been sorted the first time. But even then, we were able to counter it with communication sooner than we were the first time it arose as being a problem, if even some cruel words were still said. Communication has always been a strong suit of our relationship. Most of the time, we're able to remain collected, mild-mannered and communicative, and the rest of the time, one of us is able to calm the other down by either telling that person to back off or by simply with a show of hands saying "I'm not going to argue with you." We're both very good about saying "I felt" or "I thought" or even saying "this has happened, so though it's not an excuse, I jumped to thisorthat conclusion" etc. We're both very good at taking responsibility for our individual thoughts, feelings and actions, and I feel that this is what minimises our arguments just in general.
We also take our arguments, and even our tiffs, as learning opportunities, and I believe that from our last couple arguments, which were full on arguments, we've gained a better understanding of the other person, proving that even after a year, there's still a lot to learn and I also feel we've learned to trust each other more, whether it's because we've been entirely open and honest or if it's because we've stood our ground and literally called for needing that trust/faith in the other person if we were to continue making our relationship work. I think for me, or at least for me and my boyfriend, it's more what we take from the content of each argument as opposed to what we take from the argument itself. The way we see it as that arguments happen, but when arguments keep happening is not only when you don't deal with conflict properly (which we feel we do), but also when you don't pay attention to the boundaries, lines, etc. that were crossed to cause that argument in the first place. Does an argument mean you need to change or reshape your boundaries every single time? No, but it certainly means you can become aware of how the other person feels about that particular aspect of you or your relationship and you can then come to a compromise for how to deal with it.
Call me a stubborn bitch, but I also find it's a way of being able to say "this is me, me and all my flaws" and working with that. My boyfriend and I have made sacrifices for one another, yes, and we've come to compromises or even completely altered behaviours, but there are certain things about ourselves we refuse to change, and there's nothing wrong with that. It'd be easier, sure, to keep that part hidden from our partners or even to fake that we'd gotten rid of that part of ourselves, but if it's anything my boyfriend and I continue to learn about one another, it's that total and complete honesty works in our favour. And if there's something about ourselves that we don't want to change, whether it's a conflict of morals or definitions, then we shouldn't have to. Instead, we find ways to work with the other person and also a way to work with it within ourselves.
Re: Weathering that first fight -
May 30th 2010, 07:30 PM
I remember the first time me and my bf fought I thought it would be the end of us, but after giving each other the silent treatment for about half a hour we talked about it and worked the issue through, after doing this we were stronger than before.
Whenever we argue now we make sure we talk about the issue straight away now leave it to boil and get worse.