Mixed messages.. Help!

[kathryn]

Hey everyone... so recently a new guy started at where I work.. he's just a few years older than me and he's super nice and we have alot in common.

So basically everyone where I work is trying to set us up because we are exactly alike. It's sort of weird. It's like I'll say something and my friends there will be like "umm that sounds exactly what (the boy) said earlier today".. it's freaky. but in a good way.

We've been talking alot.. he comes over to my 'department' where we work to say hi to me.. he flirts with me in a very boyish way like jokingly pushing me and calling me silly names. He texts me a fair amount and we talk on FB and everything...

But at the same time he seems sort of hesitant. And it's confusing me. I've never had what I would consider a real relationship.. and his mixed messages are confusing the hell out of me. He clearly flirts with me as everyone has so helpfully pointed out, but I'm like "hey lets hang out later" and he sort of weird about it. He works alot and so do I which is a reasonable problem but he just seems like he likes me but he's unsure at the same time.


And another thing my friend from work and I noticed when we did a little snooping.. we easily found his ex girlfriend on facebook and she still had pictures and things of them together..as did he (but not as much).. it looks like they went out for about 2 years.. we also noticed what appears to be his ex girlfriends mother leaving him comments on there as well.. and signing them as 'mom *ex girlfriends last name*'.

So it looks like maybe he still talks to his ex? Or something? I have no idea what to do!! I really don't want to cause problems but I REALLY like him. He's sooo nice and we have so much in common... and I am quite shy still but I've tried really hard to make it clear I have feelings for him and he's sort of returned the signals but at the same time I think his ex is still lingering!


Gah! Help me out guys! This is like my first real 'crush' and I'm almost 19 years old! I don't want to let this one get away, he's absolutely amazing!

[Adele]

Hi, guys like the chase, make sure your not the one doing the chasing. Ie coming across to keen, texting first, asking loads of questions, first to talk and send messages ect on fb. Try it out and you will hopefully see what I mean, you've asked him out and he freaked out don't do it again. Treat the whole thing like your not really botherd. Hopefully you'll notice he's more interested because you are suddenly more of a mistery..

[kathryn]

Thanks! That's what I've been doing because I wasn't sure if I was being too pushy.. then he ended up being the one to talk to me first, text me first etc. Now it's sort of mutual. The other night we talked for a good hour on facebook, with him starting the conversation. We did get pretty deep into conversation with him doing most of the talking.. so I felt like that was a step in the right direction. I never really said let's go out on a date but more of hey i rented this awesome movie if you aren't busy why not come over and watch it with me?

I don't want him to think I'm not interested but at the same time I'm really not up for chasing him down anyways... everyone at work thinks it's sort of weird he hasn't made a move either. He sort of has, but nothing major. They can see that he likes me and I like him but nothing has become of it really. Ughhh

[Adele]

Guys are so weird aren't they! I think by what you have said shows you are interested, it's really hard!! Maybe little things like the next time he texts leave it a while before replying, then he'll be thinking about you and waiting for your reply. It's playing games I know and I hate games but in a way he's playing games too.. Just make sure he doesn't take u for granted that you ate always there. Good luck with it, I know how frustrating it can be!! I've had a similar situation and ended up telling the guy I liked him- it was a very bad move.

[PSY]

Well, when you're a teenager or young adult, two years is a long time to date someone. It sounds like he's the type of guy who doesn't want to date unless it's long-term... and since he doesn't know you all that well yet, he can't figure out whether or not that's something you'd be able/willing to do.

I agree with Adele: don't be the only one doing the chasing. =) Keep it 50/50, at least. Give him some time, because it's understandable that he doesn't want to jump into another relationship before he has a clear picture of the situation.

[kathryn]

Thanks for your help! I really don't want anything other than a serious relationship either.. not serious as in let's run off and get married, but serious that I am not going to date a boy just because i think he's cute or something. I hope he sees that. I've sworn for ages that I'm never going to find anyone for me (yes i'm ridiculous i know).. and then POOF he shows up and i'm like, insanely giddy and think he is just amazing. I've only known him since March so yes, not been that long... just anxious this one might get away!

[PlayingPretend]

One thing I can recommend is to not necessarily pay too much heed to his ex and the fact he's still in contact with her and her mother. It might be something to flag, sure, if there are suggestive comments being made (suggestive as in there have been hints to that he's still interested in seeing her), but it's nothing to obsess over. A lot of people remain friends with an on amicable terms with their exes, and if you're looking for a relationship, especially something more serious and long-term, then that's something you're going to have to let go. It's not fair to expect him not to speak with his ex whilst he's with you, and tempering any form of jealousy or paranoia is also going to become something of a requirement. As in any relationship, trust, honesty and communication are key, and sometimes having that trust means letting go of your own insecurities and trusting that, even with exes in their life, your partner has faith and loyalty to you - and to you alone. I'm not sure if this is something you're struggling with or if him being in contact with his ex is even an issue for you, but I thought I'd put in my two cents since you mentioned it in your original post and since you said you snooped to find her profile; doesn't seem very necessary.

That being said, maybe his ex does play a part in why he's hesitant, although that's not what first sprang to mind. It's a possibility they're still working things out, or it could be that they broke up only recently and so the wound hasn't completely healed over, or it could have nothing to do with her at all! The first thought that came to mind was that he's hesitant about getting involved with someone from work. A lot of people have reservations about relationships in the workplace, simply because a lot of people find it difficult, when in a relationship, to maintain a professional appearance, approach and status whilst at work. A lot of people also fear a break-up and fear the awkwardness of having to face their ex so soon after the break-up; it's a situation neither of you would be in control of, considering work isn't optional, and that unnerves a lot of people. It might be that he's not sure of your feelings, or he might not even be sure of his. There are a lot of reasons that could be behind his behaviour, but he's the only one who could ever really tell you why.

It's the same way with feelings. It might seem obvious that he likes you, but this isn't always the case - no matter how "obvious" it is to everyone else, as well. I've had friends who have been incredibly flirtacious, complimenting and physical with me. These same friends have teased/picked on me like they're back in grade school. They didn't have feelings for me. It was simply the way they related to me, and honestly, they saw me as more of a sister figure than anything! It could be the same situation and the fact he does realise you have feelings for him could be putting him off in the sense he doesn't want to lead you on. Then again, it could be that he's nervous or cautious with his own heart and his own feelings for you. It could be due to the fact he's a few years older than you. Sometimes age plays a part in how you see someone, other times it can make one hesitant about getting involved (he might be wondering if you're mature enough for the sort of relationship he wants). Really, it's something only he can reveal.

I agree with Psy that the "chase" needs to be 50/50. Personally, I played a lot of cat-and-mouse games in high school, and though I was the natural/initial aggressor, I also learnt how to back off. Am I proud of that past, or of that history? To be quite honest, no, I'm not. It never led to anything physical, but I still broke a few hearts and I'm not at all proud of it. But that doesn't mean I didn't learn that the best "games" are played when both people contribute. I've also learned from my own experience that I like to play both the role of the chaser and the chasee. That being said, I was often the one to initiate the "relationships" I've had (I was also the aggressor in my current relationship) and often openly expressed my feelings after a bit of back-and-forth "play." It was simply my preference that the game wasn't carried on too long. I'm not sure if this is something you would consider, opening yourself up enough to express your feelings. This does run the risk of being rejected, which is where a lot of people freeze up and more or less refuse to open up about their feelings (), but quite frankly, I've always found that the threat of rejection has never really outweighed the possible windows of opportunity that could be opened up for me.

If you're not comfortable directly stating your feelings, then maybe it's time to take a less passive approach. Instead of suggesting he come over in his free time or instead of going the route of "we should hang out sometime," have you considered setting a date? It doesn't have to be specific to the point of exact time frames, but perhaps you could ask him to go see a movie with you on Saturday, for example, or if there's something going on locally, maybe you could suggest you two attend that together. I often find that it's a round about way of finding out whether or not there's potential for the relationship to go anywhere. It's not too aggressive to the point it'll drive the other person away, but it's aggressive enough to show that you're serious about meeting up outside of the workplace. It's also a direct pass of the ball from your court into theirs. If he says no, then the most I'd say is "maybe some other time then?" if he doesn't bring up the possibility of re-scheduling, and I'd leave it at that. You can only suggest you meet up so many times before it starts to get tiring. If I were you, I'd possibly think up something to do, pick a day and propose it to him. If he says no, then I honestly feel it's time to let him take control and decide if and when you go out. I would suggest, at that point, not bringing it up and let him take it up with you first.

Best of luck.

[kathryn]

Thanks so much!

I did make a 'date' for something that's several weeks away. It's an event that I knew he would be into and he said he would go as long as nothing else came up (i.e. didn't get stuck at either job with no way out).. And when I did ask he thanked me for thinking of him.. and then when I brought it back up a few days later he joked around about it and agreed again as long as nothing major came up. So I felt that was a step in the right direction.

I'm just generally a paranoid person.. which is sort of my problem. I've been working on bettering myself. I went through alot in life between being sick (found out I have lupus recently) and I was bullied alot at school and have had some major family issues.. so I'm just a bit of an anxious person in general so trying to not drive myself crazy over this has been rough I have been trying very very hard to forget about the things in the past and move on.


He gives me odd compliments all the time. He told me I was the calmest person he's ever met. Just weird things like that. It's just.. weirdly cute. It also helps that we are equally weird, so while some of the things he says might be weird to most girls, I think it's adorable.

[savealife723]

At that age, two years is a pretty long relationship, and I can't say that I'm surprised that he may still be in touch with her family. In those two years, I'm sure that he was involved in that family and that they felt like he was apart of it.

You know before every relationship, the girl always thinks "i don't want to break-up and then have us not be friends afterwards" ?

Maybe that's the case! Maybe it's what happened with them. Maybe they're still friends and they're close. But it doesn't mean that they are still interested in each other.

Boys are big on giving off mixed emotions, and sometimes that's the fun part, but it can also be frustrating. Sometimes we just have to see what will happen.

Give it time and I'm sure that time will tell :]


Good luck!
-Kaylaaa<3.

[kathryn]

Heh.. back again.

Okay so I've become pretty close with one of the other girls at the shelter.. keep in mind everyone is in their 20's and 30's.. but I would much prefer to talk to them vs. kids my age.

So I don't know why I didn't tell her this sooner, but I mentioned about my crush on the boy because I know they've become friends lately as well (since he's still fairly new and all)... and she had no idea about me liking him. ugh. And apparently he IS looking for a girlfriend and she set him up with her cousin for a blind date soooo now i'm bummed out. She just didn't know though and I feel stupid for just not having said something.


But she is going to go ahead and try to help me out... She said she thinks he probably does like me from what I've said but he's probably nervous because of the age difference.

Ugh! I hate being young. I know it's stupid sounding but I just want to grow up. I am not having fun at all being stuck looking so young and I'm almost 19 but I just hate it. I hate people my own age and have nothing in common with them. I just wish I was older.


So now that I've got that out... I'm just going to hope for the best.