I want him to trust me again.

[AmberS9109]

Okay. At the beginning of our relationship, I did a couple stupid things. I cuddled with another guy, and talked to another guy about having sex (never did it, just talked). Now my boyfriend still doesn't trust me, and I don't blame him. It was pretty messed up that I did both of those things.
Now, I never look at other guys, the only guys that I talk to are my close friends from my hometown and my family. I try to prove to him that I'm never going to hurt him like I did again.
Sometime this summer I want to go back to my hometown, which is about 30 minutes away from where we live, for a weekend to visit my friends. He doesn't want me to because he can't trust me and doesn't want me to be around guys. What can I say or do to reassure him to let me go? (Regardless I'll go anyway, but I'd like to do it with his blessing.)

[StabMyHeartLover]

You need to tell him that you want him to trust you again.
It's gonna take time & you going to have to be open with him about everthing.
Thouhg he doesn't have to the right to tell you not to be around other guys.
If he simpy can't trust you over time, it might be best to just break it off.

[PlayingPretend]

Hurr.

I experienced a similar issue. I'm very huggy with my friends, including my male friends, and this was something my boyfriend hadn't faced with any of his exes. This initially caused a problem in our relationship, and my boyfriend wasn't quite sure he could adjust to my ideas of being able to have platonic intimacy - the ability to be intimate in your friendships, male or female, whilst sticking to the appropriate boundaries for also being in a relationship. I essentially told my boyfriend that this was who I was at this point in time, I was unwilling to change, and he could either take it and try to trust me or he could leave it. We ended up discussing the issue at length, sharing our thoughts and feelings, coming to compromises where necessary but also with my being stubborn about where I wasn't willing to change (such as I wouldn't get rid of a friend in the event he felt threatened by that friend, rather I would want to talk with him about what I could do to make him feel more comfortable), and it only ended up strengthening our relationship. Whilst the trust might have been shaken up in the beginning, it settled back down even stronger, and I definitely think that was a milestone in our relationship. My boyfriend now trusts me completely and has eased up about the way I interact with my friends, simply because he realises I'm firm and assertive enough to stick to the boundaries I set with my friends.

That being said, I do believe this is something that can be worked through. A lot of people, in my opinion, are going to look at this from your boyfriend's angle and give you advice that relates to coddling him. Give him time, you should be willing to do this and do that to gain it back, etc. etc. Yes, all of that is important, all of that has merit and all of it is good advice. Yes, what you did was wrong, and no, I'm not saying you're automatically off the hook for it. But the fact of the matter is, for as long as you continue to bend over backwards in order to gain his trust, I honestly feel the longer it's going to take to gain that trust back. If you're willing to go to extreme lengths to prove you can trust him, you run the risk of him taking advantage of that fact; he might see it as a form of payback, or he simply might continue making more and more demands because people tend to take for as long as you will give. There really is a point that you need to put your foot down, and I honestly think that that's what you need to do here.

You say you're going regardless, so instead of trying to convince him he should give you his permission to go, sit him down. Tell him that you realise he's hesitant about this trip, especially because there's the possibility of seeing other guys (if you will be seeing other guys, be upfront and honest about seeing them), but that you are going. Tell him, however, that you want to make it so he's as comfortable as possible with the situation. Don't be afraid to say "look, I realise what I did was wrong, and I realise I need to work to earn back your trust. But we will be facing these situations in our relationship and we are facing it now. I want to make it as comfortable as it can be for you, so tell me what you want me to do, but if I'm going to do that, then I also need you to try and trust me" and see if you can come to a compromise or an agreement based on that discussion. Quite frankly, the biggest mistake I see people making is constantly saying "what can I do what can I do." It might take one person to damage a relationship, but it takes two to fix it.

If he's not willing to put that faith in you - sometimes it requires blind faith - then maybe you two need a break or simply aren't cut out to be together any longer. Best of luck.

[AmberS9109]

Yeah, I ended up cutting both guys out of my life. It hurt me with the guy I cuddled with because he was like, my best guy friend, my shoulder to cry on when I couldn't talk to my boyfriend about something. But I'm dealing with it, and now he has a controlling girlfriend that won't let him see any girls anyway.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

now he has a controlling girlfriend that won't let him see any girls anyway.

He doesn't want me to because he can't trust me and doesn't want me to be around guys.

Do you see the similarities between those two statements? I do, and it worries me. Any relationship where one partner is not allowed to see or talk to members of the opposite sex is unhealthy. And honestly, if your boyfriend doesn't want you to even be around guys without him there, then that's a huge warning sign.

I'm not justifying what you did at the start of the relationship. But cuddling your best friend is not a crime regardless of their gender. Talking to another guy about sex is not a great thing to do, but again, it's not so terrible that you can't be trusted around guys. And after 7 months, he either needs to forgive and forget or you two aren't going to work as a couple. If he is still holding those mistakes over you, it sounds like he is being really controlling. How long is he going to continue to hold them over you? The rest of your life?

If I were you, I would sit down with him and explain that a real relationship doesn't work without trust. And that if he doesn't think he can start to trust you, even after this long, then your relationship isn't going to work.

[AmberS9109]

We sat down and talked (and argued a little) about what we're going to do. I brought up the idea of breaking up and neither of us thought it was a good idea. Instead, to make him feel comfortable, he's going to spend a night with me in my hometown to see what I do when I'm there (yes, he will also be hanging out with my guy friends). Once he sees how harmless it all is, I know he'll be okay with it