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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Stuckinhell Offline
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His house, my rules? - July 25th 2010, 05:18 PM

So my boyfriend lives at home- but his mum leaves him alone total freedom.
I've moved in with him and everythings going great.

But because it's his room, his house i feel really bad. Like theres certain things that are really important to me, yet i feel i cant do them as it's his home.

The main issue at the moment is smoking. I'm not a smoker, he is. He's always smoked in his room on a window ledge. But even with a window open i hate it, makes me cough.

I've told him, so now he goes downstairs every time. But i feel really guilty.

And theres other situations.

I guess my question is. It's his house, so whose rules? Is it ok for me to say something?


   
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Re: His house, my rules? - July 25th 2010, 05:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by xsecretsx View Post
So my boyfriend lives at home- but his mum leaves him alone total freedom.
I've moved in with him and everythings going great.

But because it's his room, his house i feel really bad. Like theres certain things that are really important to me, yet i feel i cant do them as it's his home.

The main issue at the moment is smoking. I'm not a smoker, he is. He's always smoked in his room on a window ledge. But even with a window open i hate it, makes me cough.

I've told him, so now he goes downstairs every time. But i feel really guilty.

And theres other situations.

I guess my question is. It's his house, so whose rules? Is it ok for me to say something?

His house, his rules. But as a couple your supposed to work on this, if it lasts how are you gonna be able to live together?

Don't act like you own the place, and don't try and change anything around, but when it comes to something like smoking, asking him to go downstairs isn't rude or anything, some people don't like smoking.

Its a fine line, but it is his house and he gets to make the rules, if you start trying to make your own, he may not be happy about it.
   
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Re: His house, my rules? - July 25th 2010, 05:26 PM

Not at all. Just because it's his house it doesn't mean you have to suffer things that would make you unhappy. Especially if what's bothering you is something small and perfectly reasonable. In any relationship a couple will have to reach compromises on certain things, it's normal. A lot of people have a huge issue with smoking. It's not like you asked him to quit entirely, asking him to smoke in a different room is reasonable enough. And from the sound of it your bf is being understanding about it, so I wouldn't worry.

If you're living together there shouldn't be "rules", if that makes sense. Just whatever works best for you both and whatever you're both happiest with.


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Re: His house, my rules? - July 25th 2010, 05:27 PM

Couples make sacrifices. If he's happy to change small things then don't feel guilty.



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Re: His house, my rules? - July 25th 2010, 05:27 PM

It's his house so I'd expect it to be his rules but you still have the right to be annoyed with his smoking.

It seems to me that he is smoking downstairs out of respect for you and chances are he doesn't want to expose you to passive smoke or make you cough. IMO you've nothing to be guilty about re: smoking. Without knowing other situations I cannot comment on them
   
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Re: His house, my rules? - July 25th 2010, 06:15 PM

It's ultimately his decision, but it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask. Here's why:

1) Second hand smoking is dangerous. If he chooses to smoke with you around the room, then he's putting your life at danger too. If he was a gentleman, he'd be the one exiting the room. Interrupting your daily life just so he can fuel his addiction to cigarettes is wrong. If he doesn't understand that, then you've got yourself a problem.

2) Relationships are about compromises. It's not a big deal to ask because there's no harm in it. You're not personally attacking him for what he's doing, you just don't like inhaling his cigarette smoke because it can damage your lungs.

3) Talking it out is healthy for the relationship. If you let him know, his cigarette smoking won't eat you up on the inside (no pun intended).
   
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Re: His house, my rules? - July 27th 2010, 07:38 AM

He understands about the smoking and is fine about it. But i'm just really worried about encroaching on his life too much. Like, when he eats dinner he always ate upstairs in bed. I hated it, so now we eat dowstairs at the table some of the time...

I guess, theres nothing big, it's just i'm worried of pushing out the boundaries


   
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Re: His house, my rules? - July 27th 2010, 12:08 PM

It's definitely okay for you to say something. As a lot of people say, love means sacrificing. If all he has to do is walk down a flight of stairs in order to smoke, you shouldn't feel bad. Especially since it seems you have a bad reaction around smoke.
You're supposed to compromise with each other. I'm currently living with my boyfriend in his parent's basement, in his room. His room, our rules. Sit down and talk to one another. Let each other know how you both feel. Neither of you are mind readers, and you shouldn't feel guilty for bringing something up that you'd like to change.



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Re: His house, my rules? - July 27th 2010, 12:16 PM

Hey,

I can understand why this bugs you, I'm a smoker myself but I cannot stand smokey rooms. I actually prefer to smoke outside, smoke lingers so much and it's not nice when that's in the place you're supposed to be sleeping. I would politely ask him if there's a way you can compromise on this only because the smoke fumes make you cough and you don't like sleeping where he's been smoking. Hopefully you'll both be able to come to some agreement over this, even if he smokes in there during the day and then airs the room out before you're both going to sleep.

Hope this helps,
Paige
xx
   
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Re: His house, my rules? - July 27th 2010, 01:30 PM

Why don't you talk about it with him? If he doesn't have a problem, then neither do you.
   
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