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Controlling? - August 7th 2010, 02:16 AM

Hi, I am trying to become more assertive. And I started being around people again as of resently. There is a boy I have become infatuated with. We both like eachother. But I'm afraid I've become somewhat controlling since my last relationship.

In mylast relationship I was ignored and degrated. So now I like to have my opinion heard. One thing I am worried about is telling others how to feel.

For example, I was at the movies with the boy that I like. Then he started feeling very sick and had to leave the theater for a little while. And dissapeared for a good chunk of the movie. When he left he appologized. Then I told him not to. Because I one, really dislike appologys, and two it was not even in the least bit his fault. Then after I said that I felt a little bad, I had told him what to do. And that sucks, I dont want people to feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me. I can dislike appologys all that I want but telling them no to do so when it is entirely their decision does not feel right to me.

I'm a little bit confused in general, I'm having a hard time deciding how to be in a relationship. What my boundrys should be, and what the best way to treat others is.


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Re: Controlling? - August 7th 2010, 04:37 AM

You always have to have a limit for a trait like that. If you use it to much, it could drive him up a tree. If you dont, he could walk all over you. Make sure that you can tell when hes annoyed.
   
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Re: Controlling? - August 7th 2010, 05:24 AM

I'm going to be honest, I think you are being too hard on yourself. In fact, I think it's a normal reaction when someone says "sorry" for something like that for the other person to respond with "don't be" or "don't apologise". I know I have before. It's definitely not controlling to tell someone that they don't need to apologise.

What I think is that you are still feeling the effects of your previous relationship. It seems like you were treated as "inferior" in that relationship and that that has now made you concerned about asserting yourself. Whenever you say anything opinionated, you feel like you've done something wrong. And you shouldn't. As long as you are polite and respectful, there shouldn't be a problem.

For example, there is nothing wrong with saying "don't apologise, you don't need to". It's nice and polite. There would, however, be a problem if you said "don't you dare apologise, you loser!" because that's quite rude. As long as you treat other people with respect, you'll be fine. As a general rule, think about how you would like to be treated, and treat others accordingly.



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Re: Controlling? - August 8th 2010, 06:52 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShimmeringFaerie View Post
I'm going to be honest, I think you are being too hard on yourself. In fact, I think it's a normal reaction when someone says "sorry" for something like that for the other person to respond with "don't be" or "don't apologise". I know I have before. It's definitely not controlling to tell someone that they don't need to apologise.

What I think is that you are still feeling the effects of your previous relationship. It seems like you were treated as "inferior" in that relationship and that that has now made you concerned about asserting yourself. Whenever you say anything opinionated, you feel like you've done something wrong. And you shouldn't. As long as you are polite and respectful, there shouldn't be a problem.

For example, there is nothing wrong with saying "don't apologise, you don't need to". It's nice and polite. There would, however, be a problem if you said "don't you dare apologise, you loser!" because that's quite rude. As long as you treat other people with respect, you'll be fine. As a general rule, think about how you would like to be treated, and treat others accordingly.
I completely agree with this response.

Another suggestion I'd like to throw your way is to consider whether or not it would be "controlling" behavior if I said "you don't need to apologize". If Amy (ShimmeringFaerie) said "there's no need to be sorry". If any of your friends said similar things. If you don't see what WE are doing as "controlling", then why would you see what YOU are doing as "controlling"? Heck, I'm pretty sure your date would have said the exact same thing if you had been the one who was sick and had to leave the movie. =) So why hold yourself to a higher standard, when you have absolutely no reason to do so?





   
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Re: Controlling? - August 9th 2010, 12:40 AM

Thank you for the responses. I appreciate them very much. They have helped a lot.


http://strigidaeofchrono.deviantart.com/
"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Colonel Meow
   
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