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Negotiated Infidelity - August 8th 2010, 10:56 PM

So, the other day I was surfing around on AOL news and there was an article about a woman who wrote a book about something called "negotiated infidelity". This is where you're in a long-term relationship and you let your partner have sex with other people. However, this isn't to be mistaken with an open relationship (where there are no rules), because you are allowed to make rules for your partner. For example, this woman doesn't let her husband spend the night with the women he has sex with. He simply sleeps with them and comes home.

What do you think about this?
My boyfriend and I are going to try it, but I'm not going to sleep with other men because I've been with enough already. We're simply doing this for experimental and experience purposes because he's only slept with three girls aside from me. I've slept with 20 aside from him. A couple of the rules I'm setting are that he must wear a condom when sleeping with other females, and he's not allowed to stay the night with them (he must come home that night).

PS. If you'd like to read more on negotiated infidelity, click here.

EDIT: Another quote that she said made a lot of sense to me and opened my eyes a bit. She said "I think a woman is more powerful if she allows her man to sleep with other women, rather than sitting awake at home wondering why he's late coming home from an office Christmas party."



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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 8th 2010, 11:17 PM

It sounds like an, "open relationship". I'm against it I refuse to negotiate how my partner can cheat on me with other people. A relationship is not suppose to be a negotiation of how you can or what are the "rules" of you sleeping with other people, if my partner wanted to negotiate that he better not come back to me begging to take him back. It suggests that self-control is something we don't have.


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 8th 2010, 11:19 PM

I agree with mexico. If someone is in a relationship with me then they DO NOT get to have sex, meaningless or whatever, with other people. I deserve better than that.


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 8th 2010, 11:38 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmberS9109 View Post

EDIT: Another quote that she said made a lot of sense to me and opened my eyes a bit. She said "I think a woman is more powerful if she allows her man to sleep with other women, rather than sitting awake at home wondering why he's late coming home from an office Christmas party."
For me, if I have to wonder if a guy is cheating on me, there's something wrong with the relationship. In an equal and stable relationship, you don't have to wonder because you know they're not. I would never date someone I could not trust.



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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 8th 2010, 11:43 PM

I agree with above. When you love someone and have a good, healthy relationship, you don't need to sleep with other people. Sleeping with someone else is basically saying "I'm sorry, honey, but you aren't good enough for me".

And to me, it seems like women who do this are "letting" their partners cheat because they think their partners are anyway, so they feel like they are in control this way. I trust my partner enough to know that he won't cheat and I have enough self-respect to leave him if he ever did. Like Taylor said, I deserve better than that. And how is it powerful to let your partner sleep with someone else rather than working on your sexual relationship so that he doesn't need to?



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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 8th 2010, 11:59 PM

He doesn't want to have sexual relationships with other women because our sexual relationship is lacking. He wants to because he's only slept with three girls besides myself and would like more experience. I guess I just don't see the problem with it.



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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 9th 2010, 05:45 PM

I've got to be honest and say that what that article proposes has "open relationship" written all over it - and if that's what they're angling for they should just call it that and be done with it. "Negotiated infidelity" as a means of preventing cheating sounds like a complete contradiction, as by being unfaithful by definition you are cheating on your partner, negotiated or otherwise. Being in a relationship should mean you're committed to that partner above all others for the duration of that relationship, not chopping and choosing as you like. If you want that kind of freedom then call it an open relationship so both parties know exactly where they stand, rather than trying to have a foot in both camps which is only doomed to failure. (On another note, I'm a bit puzzled by Holly Hill being okay with her boyfriend having his way with other women but goes beserk at the idea of him cuddling in bed...and the dog on a lead metaphor doesn't really fit either. But that's just me being pedantic )

Ultimately it's up to each person deciding what they want from a relationship, but I feel the notion of making cheating acceptable as a means of reducing cheating is a bit of a faux pas.


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If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 9th 2010, 06:01 PM

It seems to me like prostitution, except that no money changes hands


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 12:14 AM

I think you need to analyze what you want out of this relationship.

And why can't he gain more experience by experimenting with new things with you? And if he wants to experiment with things with other girls, perhaps you should analyze what HE wants out of this relationship.

Perhaps I'm a bit old fashioned, but I don't really believe in casual relationships. Granted, I'm not saying I will marry any man I date. But at the same time, I don't want to waste my time on someone not worthy of me. That's what this sort of sounds like to me. Personally, I don't think I could trust my partner if they wanted to negotiate infidelity... because it's still INFIDELITY. It would just make me feel inadequate and I would feel completely disrespected.

That's me though...
   
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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 12:49 AM

I don't see exactly why he needs to have experience of sleeping with lots of women. For most people who have slept with a large number of people it's either because they weren't interested in commitment and liked sex, or because they were having trouble finding the right person. Few (if any) people in long term relationships are really "proud" of having slept around either. If was happy about sleeping around while actually in a long term relationship then there's a problem. I have to ask, was he the one who came up with this idea and/or suggested it?

Honestly I think it's a bad idea, compromise is good in a relationship, but this seems to be going a bit far.


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 01:25 AM

Yeah I don't really get the "experience" thing. I don't plan on waiting till marriage but I would be very proud to say that I only have slept with one guy and that's the guy I'm with. If you love each other and are sexually compatible then I don't see why either partner needs experience with other people. Who cares about how the are/were with other people, it matters how they are with you.


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 02:42 AM

The only thing he'll learn about this experience is to never do this again after it's happened, because you may soon regret the choice you're giving him.

Like someone else has mentioned, why should he get more experience with more girls? 3 is honestly enough for an average guy, and your guy seems like an average guy. A guy most likely doesn't learn anything more after his 2nd or 3rd time of sex. What kind of experience did you want him to learn anyway? What another vagina feels like? Again, 3 is enough. It's just really difficult for us to believe that it'll be okay for you since you say you want to 'try it out', there not enough conviction.

As for the rules, it's just a bunch of crap. Who would want to stay over night with someone you know you'll just have a fling with? The condom rule is hardly a rule, more like common sense to use one.

To be honest, it just seems like an illusion made for that woman to think she's in power. Just because "she said so makes it okay" is really silly. The husband in this case has the upper hand, regardless of how anyone views the situation.

I just hope you'll realize that this idea is a mistake or that your boyfriend decides not to go through with it.
   
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August 10th 2010, 02:53 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by AmberS9109 View Post
He doesn't want to have sexual relationships with other women because our sexual relationship is lacking. He wants to because he's only slept with three girls besides myself and would like more experience. I guess I just don't see the problem with it.
I've on;y been with one other guy besides my current bf. I get experience from him. he and i experiment and have fun and go through it all together.


also you might wanna set a rule for him to make sure that the women he sleeps with are "clean"


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 03:44 AM

Nope, never, no way, no how! I'm sorry but sex can only be "just sex" for a short period of time. Soon enough someone is going to develop feelings for someone else (no matter how many rules you put in place) and it's going to create problems. Not to mention the possibility of accidental pregnancy. You can be careful, but things happen (condoms aren't 100%, women could lie about being on birth control etc..).

I want my man to be everything for me and for me to be everything for him. Sure, we have some things separate, but the most intimate part of our lives are only for each other. That makes us closer to each other and makes our relationship stronger.


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 04:04 AM

I could never do that, but it's just me personally. I've only ever been with my current boyfriend and like others have said before me, I get experience from him. We try and research new things and it' enough for me. If he's already been with three girls, then what else is there to explore. I can see if you were his first and only, but I feel like three is plenty (again just me). But while I couldn't do it, if I were ever in a position where I really had to consider it, I'd have rules like

-I don't ever want to see her. I don't want you to be her facebook friend, have her number in your phone, nothing. You sleep with her and that's it. No texting or flirting via message.
-I have to know in advance when you're doing it.


But on a more personal note, I really want to say that this may not be a good idea for the two of you, I remember the thread when you were discussing how horribly angry and jealous you got when you saw him like something a girl posted on his picture or something like that, if you reacted so strongly to that, will you be able to handle the jealousy of knowing he's slept with someone else? If this is your decision that's fine, but I think you should think about it very hard.

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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 07:54 AM

Strangely enough, this concept isn't entirely new to me. A close friend of mine recently married her boyfriend of two years, and they've come up with "agreements" of their own.

You see, my friend's sex drive is practically non-existent. There's no particular reason for it... she's just not comfortable with anything sexual. I'm one of the few people in her life who can even HUG her... so sex is out of the question, perhaps for the rest of her life. Her husband was sexually molested as a young boy, so he also struggles when it comes to anything sexual... but unlike my friend, he may be able to recover in the future, and he may want to become sexually active. If that were to happen, my friend would want to establish "rules" in regards to his sexual activity. She would permit it, and even encourage it (anything to make him happy and to prevent him from wanting to leave her), but she would want him to use protection, to only sleep with other women on certain days and at certain times, to not spend their combined earnings on those women, etc.

I think my friend is crazy... and I think Holly Hill is a bit out there as well. "I think that cheating men are normal"? Sorry, but I don't believe that. If cheating was "normal" behavior, then we wouldn't have so many people on TeenHelp complaining about it. Husbands and wives wouldn't use it against one another in divorce cases to gain custodial rights over their children. The bottom-line is that society does not accept cheating as "normal". It may happen often, but that does not make it acceptable behavior. "Negotiated infidelity" may not be the exact same thing as an "open relationship", but it certainly seems to suggest that the relationship is a weak one, where "negotiated infidelity" is the only thing keeping one partner from leaving the other.





   
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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 01:41 PM

To be honest the entire thing sounds like a massive trust issue. As in where someone may be so convinced that all guys will cheat and their boyfriend will do it anyway eventually, that they want to be open about it and give themselves the impression they have power over the situation. Kinda like they're settling for "lets get it over with" and put a label of "not cheating" on it so it doesn't break their heart when it finally happens.

I don't know if that's the case at all, but genuine trust in a relationship is crucial.


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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 01:52 PM

I would rather be in a relationship with another person and he be in a relationship with another person rather than he is just screwing them.
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Re: Negotiated Infidelity - August 10th 2010, 02:01 PM

Well if it works for you, go for it. I personally could never handle it though. You're either in a relationship with someone, or you're not. Relationships are a lot more than sex. Sex with your partner should actually mean something, and that's why you don't need to be with other people. I'd much rather my partner and I be ''inexperienced'' (though I believe you can be just as experienced by only sleeping with one person. The number of people shouldn't and doesn't equate to experience) than the two of us off sleeping with other people just to say we have. The whole idea of people doing it to prevent cheating is absolutely ridiculous. You either trust your partner, or you don't.

But yeah, just my opinion. I do hope you don't end up regretting this.
   
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