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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Over protective and untrusting. - October 22nd 2010, 06:41 AM

I'm having some issues trusting my boyfriend. He has a lot of girlfriends. I have no logical issue with that. I'm happy he has good friends he can connect with. But I am VERY jealous.
I have some kind of bad trust problems, and that is what really makes it bad. There is one friend in particular that he is bestfriends with and used to date. Now it been about a year since they have separated. And yes, they didn't make a good couple then. They had major issues when they dated. But I don't see how he isn't completely in love with her. Whenever they hang out they have the best time. And they really really care about each other. The dating relationship between them is over and done with so they say. I know he cares about me, but it can turn my mood very dark when he starts talking about her and I see all the strong positive emotions that go with it. He is most comfortable with her and their relationship now, not before when they were dating a while a ago but now, it is perfect for a good functioning romantic relationship I think. He is excellent at lying to himself. And that makes it really hard to trust that he doesn't have those kind of feeling for her.

But then again I do have some intense trust problems, maybe I'm over blowing the issue but I'm certainly not imagining the whole thing.
Anyways the main problem is its starting to affect the relationship. Because I can become very negative and hes begun to pick up on it, it seems to hurt him a bit. And undoubtedly hurts the relationship. I've already had a talk with him about his feelings for her and he claims not to care for her in that way. So its really pointless to go over it again. What I need to do is suck it up and except that we have talked about it and hell, if it happens it happens. I need to let go of my fears of being betrayed and trust. Any advice on.. letting go? And controlling emotions while still being open?

"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

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Re: Over protective and untrusting. - October 22nd 2010, 07:25 PM

Hey there,

I know it's hard when you know you're insecure and have trust problems. It will always get in the way of things but you need to learn how to deal with them. I know that he does these things with his ex, and it concerns you. And it's totally understandable. But have you spoken to him about this? I think you should tell him how it's making you feel, and maybe ask him to consider your feelings before he does these things that upset you.

I think the main thing that you need to understand is that he is dating you, not her. If he wanted to date her then he would, but he doesn't. He wants to date you so he is. You need to try and get your head around the fact that he likes you, and wants to be with you. He's not interested in anyone else because he's with you.

To keep the relationship functioning well, it's important that you communicate effectively with each other. If you're feeling something, tell him, and share your emotions and see how you can resolve whatever problems arise. I think that's definitely the best way to get things running smoothly again.

Message me if you'd like to talk some more, take care.

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Re: Over protective and untrusting. - October 22nd 2010, 10:59 PM

I totally understand how you feel. I've had a similar problem with one of my boyfriend's female friends, and it's still a little bit of a problem so I probably can't help entirely but I'll give you a couple tips that helped me.
Talk to him again. Me and my boyfriend have talked about this around 7 times (No I'm not counting, that is a guess ) within the first year we were dating.
Have you met her? I find talking with the girl and seeing how her and your boyfriend interact helps. Such as seeing that they're not flirting. And if they do flirt, you can talk to him about that and say it's unacceptable.

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