Non-PG13: Cheating on your partner - WHY.

[Smitten]

I think it is safe to say that the general consensus on cheating is that it is horrible, terrible, and just plain wrong!
So why is it that people continue to go forth and "bone" everyone in sight when the supposedly love their partner? especially the younger individuals who cheat - why? if you are 16-24 there is absolutely no reason to cheat, just break up with your partner. If you are unhappy enough with the relationship that your mind can irrationally justify your having sex with another - why don't you just break up with your partner? have the respect for your fellow human being to save them from all lies, the feelings of betrayal, and the deep emotional scarring that being cheated on is associated with.
I was cheated on by 2 women - had they just broken up with me, I wouldn't have the trust issues that all my future partners had to put up with. Why do that to someone? why hurt so many people you don't even know by giving your partner seeds of doubt that never seem to go away, regardless of the time that has past?

Please - if anyone at any point thinks they will cheat - just get out of your relationship. It isn't worth all the damage it does. It is like using a machine gun to open a box of Cereal just to get the prize inside. total overkill.

I am just looking for feedback- please give your opinions, good or bad, whether you have cheated or haven't.
Cheaters: Why did you do what you did?
Cheated: Why did your partner cheat on you?

I hope that this post evokes some deep feelings... I know that for me it feels great to get out all that buried resentment.
Thank you...

[palmtoptiger]

Wouldn't this thread be better suited in Relationships & Dating?

[Smitten]

I suppose it COULD be put in R&D, however it involves having sex with other people so it seemed to better fit in the sex section.

[Kyeto-X]

You CAN cheat without having sex. In fact, I woyuld think it would be more cheating to go on romantic dates and hug/kiss and confide in someone rather then just have sex.

And personally, I have never been cheated on. Been completely teased and cocked-blocked, but she never tried to hide it from me or told me other wise. And I am completely loyal to my partner, It is against my moral ethics to cheat on a romantic partner.

[noise94]

I haven't been cheated on, and I would never cheat.

I don't know why people cheat... it's awful.

[Kitty.]

I have been cheated on, but I have never cheated on anybody.

[Melody Pond]

As far as I know I have never been cheated on but I do suspect one guy broke up with me to specifically go out with another girl even if he won't admit it.

[bitesize]

Firstly, I can't vote on this poll because I have both cheated AND been cheated on.
Secondly cheating does not constitute 'boning everything in sight.'
Thirdly, cheating doesn't always involve sex. I've never had sex with someone while in a relationship with someone else.

I was cheated on by someone when I was seventeen; he went out of his way to lie to me and make me feel like I was important to him, and he was blatantly seeing two other girls behind my back. This naturally shook my faith a little in other people's genuinity.

When I was almost eighteen, I cheated on someone I'd been going out with for three months. After the previous incident I had a lot of trouble trusting and kind of presumed that if you were with a guy he was probably cheating on you. (I don't feel this way now.) I was also worried about how much I was beginning to fall for this boyfriend of mine, who was arrogant and cocky, and though I didn't realise it at the time, wasn't very good for me at all. The whole relationship was a constant psychological competition. I never set out to cheat; it just happened ~ clichè I know. And not as simple as it sounds. The fact that I was cheating on him with a girl made it somehow seem less bad, although obviously that's no excuse and it wasn't. But he never found out and I don't regret doing it now. I'm not advocating cheating, I'm just saying sometimes it can be a little more complicated than it seems. And I haven't regretted doing it once, especially since he was an absolute dick to me later on in our relationship.

However, I wouldn't cheat on my current boyfriend if you paid me thousand euro, and I've realised that's because I trust him. My ex constantly flirted with other girls, compared me to them, commented on their looks, and it wrecked my trust in him. My boyfriend is a good person and I would never ever do anything like that to him.
Sorry this was long, but I'm just saying sometimes there's reasons behind it. It's selfish and cruel and dishonest but it's not always mindless.

[LucyLouWho]

There are plenty of ways to cheat besides having sex. You can cheat emotionally or physically and sometimes it's even worse when you're cheated on emotionally.

I think that cheating in when you intentionally do something, without your partner knowing, with someone of the sex that you're attracted to that you wouldn't do if your partner was around. If it has to be done secretive, chances are, it's cheating.

[bitesize]

Originally Posted by Mommy.Wife.Student

There are plenty of ways to cheat besides having sex. You can cheat emotionally or physically and sometimes it's even worse when you're cheated on emotionally.

I think that cheating in when you intentionally do something, without your partner knowing, with someone of the sex that you're attracted to that you wouldn't do if your partner was around. If it has to be done secretive, chances are, it's cheating.

This says it all!!

[WillO'Wisp]

Like someone said, this post belongs in Relationships & Dating.
And secondly, I totally agree with you. If you cheat on someone, that's just a sign they're not giving you something you want or are looking for, and therefore you don't love them anymore and are not happy in the relationship. Then end it. Don't hang onto them being greedy and not wanting them to find someone else. Break up with them, but don't cheat on them and leave them with those scars and tarnished trust to the point they may never be able to trust someone again.

[LucyLouWho]

Also... I want to add that the whole cheating scenario isn't always black and white. Not everyone who cheats, I would imagine, is someone who is completely unhappy in their relationship and are looking for a replacement. Sometimes it's rather... talking to an acquaintance ends up becoming something more and before you know it, you're in too far and emotions are all over the place.

I'm not at all justifying cheating... I do think it's wrong. But I have seen situations like the one that I mentioned above.

[ShimmeringFaerie]

I've moved this to Relationships and Dating now.


I've never cheated, and I don't think that I ever would. I have been cheated on before. My ex-boyfriend kissed another girl while he was drunk. But I forgave him; we broke up for entirely different reasons later on. And I don't think it's affected my ability to trust people at all. However, if my current boyfriend was to cheat on me, I do think that it would hurt me a lot more.

Personally, I think that cheating is a very grey area for the most part. There are definitely some people out there who just cheat because they can get away with it or because they want a dutiful boyfriend/girlfriend while they have fun on the side. And there's no justification for that. But it's usually not that simple.

For example, if someone was in an abusive relationship, but were too scared to leave, I wouldn't even call it cheating if they were with someone else as well. I would understand completely. And in a way, I can understand why someone might get too caught up in the moment and kiss someone else. I think that's forgivable. Having sex with someone else is a lot less forgivable, I think, because it takes more than a second to have sex. You have time to think about it, so you're actively making the choice to cheat.

But if your partner is good to you most of the time, then yes, I think it's awful to cheat on them. If you've been fighting a lot, you go to counseling or talk to them, you don't cheat. Even if you don't love them romantically anymore, they still deserve respect.

[taylalatbh.]

I think I have to agree with you. What is the point in cheating? If you want to sleep with someone else, leave your partner. Simple.

[Skeleton]

I've cheated. I got into a relationship that I didn't want to be in and at the same time, I was in some weird situation with someone else and I carried that on. I didn't sleep with them or anything, we'd just kiss. I don't regret it though, the relationship failed after a month because we didn't talk or even see each other because of her work.

I wouldn't do it again though because as far as I'm aware I haven't been cheated on but I've been lead to believe I have been and the feeling was horrible, I wouldn't want to put anyone through that.

[Rainbow Dash]

Honestly, I agree. If you want to sleep around then don't be with a person and hurt them :| simple.

I THINK I've been cheated on but I have no real proof. Just a bit of gossip more than anything :/ it wouldn't shock me though.

[Daydreamer]

Originally Posted by Mommy.Wife.Student

Also... I want to add that the whole cheating scenario isn't always black and white.

Really, I agree with this statement so much. I've been cheated on, and because of my relationship and the situation it was, we decided to move past that and continue our relationship. I still love my partner and trust him and we are both still happy. He didn't cheat because of me, or because he was unhappy, he was so drunk he doesn't even remember the incident and he told me right away. It was a horrible mistake that I know tore him up inside. I know my boyfriend and I know that it didn't mean anything, and I don't regret working through that and staying with him.

One thing that I will admit I don't understand is having an actual relationship with someone other than your partner.

[Maloo]

Originally Posted by Smitten

So why is it that people continue to go forth and "bone" everyone in sight when the supposedly love their partner?

Ok, well that phrase is just incredibly ignorant.

If people go around sleeping with everyone when they're with someone, they have a major problem. Not to mention, you're also assuming that being in a relationship = love.

Just because someone's cheated on someone doesn't mean they slept with a whole bunch of people.

I've cheated - once. And I will never do it again, because it's a really fucking horrible feeling. And if you don't feel horrible after cheating, then you probably don't have a heart.

[MacGuffin]

Your post is obviously flavored with a lot of anger and hurt. It is understandable, and I am sorry this happened to you, but making sweeping generalizations like that some people "go forth and 'bone' everything in sight when they supposedly love their partner" is not a rational way of looking at the situation.

You repeatedly say "why don't you just break up?" While there is a lot of truth to this statement, many people in this age range do not possess the emotional maturity in order to come to that conclusion. It is unfortunate, but it is true; relationships are a learning curve, and for some people it takes a lot of hurt to come to the right conclusions.

I have cheated on a partner twice, and been cheated on once. The first time I cheated I was intoxicated, and was so devastated by my actions that I broke up with the boy the next day. The second time was calculated; I deliberately started seeing someone else while still with a boyfriend with whom I was having lots of problems. I cheated because at the time I lacked the capacity to communicate what I wanted to a boyfriend who really wasn't enough like me to sustain the relationship, and because I had an overwhelming fear of being alone. Consequently, after the person I was cheating with the second time and I got together, he started cheating on me, so go figure.

Have I learned from it? Yes, I have. I was able to see the damage I did when I cheated and took from it a resolve to be more open with my partners. I lapse in communication at times, but I have never cheated again.

[Nightmare]

I'm hesitant to post here, I skipped by this thread a couple times but I feel like I need to talk.
I've cheated emotionally, I've been cheated on emotionally. Mine was sadly, worse.
My girlfriend and I..we've been dating for 21 months with a 5.5 day break where the only thing that changes is we reconnected instantly and just didn't hold hands or anything except for a couple accidental kisses.
Let me explain.
We're the weirdest couple ever. We have a 4 year history, mainly of flirting...she had a boyfriend and they had a lot of issues and she liked me and I liked her mutually through most of it...which sucks because I'm friends with her now exboyfriend.
7 months into us dating, we hit a really rough patch and she liked some other guy for a week or so...he'd console her and they'd talk a lot and she'd ignore me...we recovered, thanks to that other guy sort of, and got past it. A year later, it happened again; but this time it was me.
This girl, my best friend and her friend, always comes to me with her secret issues (lots of them, abusive family) and I'd tell her my issues...family issues that my girlfriend had stated she didn't want to hear, and issues with my girlfriend. And we started liking each other, a big part because my girlfriend and I were not working. I even held this girls hand a couple times, which sounds like nothing but it's not.
My girlfriend and I broke up shortly after that, I told her everything that had happened, she said she was still in love with me and I realized that I was also, but I broke up with her anyway. I had no interest in dating that other girl, no thought of myself in that moment...but just thought she'd be happier as I figured our relationship would be based of of mistrust anyway. I came running back not a half hour later realizing I just put a barrel to my head and pulled the trigger, and we decided to just wait and see what happens. We reconnected, grew close again in days flat, something that's a lot more realistic than it seems, and are pretty happy right now, and me and my other friend are back to how we were for a year - close friends, no romantic interest lol. (this wasn't that long ago, month and a half maybe.)

This story seems so dramatic, I know, and I feel like such an asshole to this day. I nearly ruined my girlfriends friendship with the other girl, and my relationship to my girlfriend in one fell swoop. All I can say is that this emotional cheating was never intended. Not a malicious thing, just...sometimes people drift apart and come together without knowing. In this case, it may ultimately be a good thing, even if my girlfriend's family does hate me. All I can say is that I know I love her, and although I may have been a scum bag, what's done is done and I need to focus on the future, which is hopefully with her.
Please don't judge me, nor tell me that we shouldn't be together even if you feel it from reading this...

[Smitten]

I feel I must make an apology, or rather clarify. As Superstar has stated, this posting was flavored with much hurt - the anger has subsided for the most part, but the hurt seems to not want to fade. I realize some of you may find a few of the things I stated above to be Ignorant as Myss has quite openly stated, but they are obvious generalizations and exsadurated(sp?) to express my feelings. I know they are illogical and people do not just run around banging everything in sight (most people anyway) but it is how I feel after what I have experienced - not based in fact, but rather in emotion. It has been 4 years since the first time I was cheated on.. She had a 3 month affair with a man 10 years older then the two of us. They are still together now, doing well and I suppose I am happy they found each other. I just wish that she had left me when she first began thinking about pursueing something with him, it would have saved me SO much hurt... It was to the point where I didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time for weeks because all I would dream about or think about for that matter.. was them having sex behind my back. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still having sex (unprotected - she was infertile) with me as much as 3 times a day. What the hell? who does that? was I getting this guys sloppy seconds every day for 3 months? some of the answers to the questions that plague my mind I NEVER want the answers to...
The second and last time (as far as I know) was 8 months ago.. my current Girlfriend broke up with me for 1 - 24 hour day, and managed to have sex with her ex during that 24 hours. YES. I constitute that as cheating, no doubt in my mind - at all. She defends herself tooth and nail saying that we weren't together, blah blah blah. I don't care, that's cheating in my book. anyway, we've moved past that and hopefully she hasn't done anything since.

[dancinfool]

I've never cheated or been cheated on. Seeing my parents marriage break down because of cheating it really scares me. If I was married I would rather my partner had the courage to tell me if he didn't want to be in that relationship rather than to cheat.

[I-Love-him]

why do people cheat? a number of reasons.
Because they can't control themselves,maybe because they like someone else, don't have the balls to leave there current partner and so they cheat, like the idea of being a bit daring and naughty and having an affair behind there back. Or in my friends case, who has been cheated on etleest 3 times by her current bf, it's because the other half is a complete **** and can't see what an amazing other half they have! even if they do see it they don't give a **** and know that when they do cheat they can get away with it!!!

as for me,i've never cheated. i was the 'other' girl for like 1 day though back in year 8 LOL reason? because i was young,stupid and didn't understand relationships! heck we was all young.

Have i been cheated on? i reckon so yes, why?because he was a **** who couldn't get enough and just wanted to shag everyone

[Maloo]

You can't always explain why you cheated. It shouldn't be a premeditated thing that you've got your list of reasons for.

I can't really explain why I did it, but it's not like an explanation makes it any better.

[Composure]

I've cheated and been cheated on.

For me, cheating is not something I like doing. I feel horrible afterwards because I know I'm actually in love with my current partner. I've cheated on her twice, one she knows about, the other she doesn't.

The first time, I was with my mates. It was your basic house party; 15 people and lots of alcohol. I got too drunk, lost the plot (meaning I can't remember anything after 10pm) and apparently hooked up with a girl. I remember walking home with her, just side by side, nothing major. I remember stopping to tie my shoe laces, and she was there standing over me. I imagine that was when it happened, but I can't remember it. I was told the next day that it did happen. For that particular instance, I blame the alcohol.

Come to think of it, the both times I've cheated on my girlfriend, it's involved alcohol. S:

Anyway, I've also emotionally cheated, although I'm not sure what that means. It happened recently, actually. I suppose that same girl that I hooked up with walking back from that house party had been playing with my mind. I'd always wanted to hook up with her and just the other day, we all got drunk and a few mates and I decided to go home. We dropped her off on the way and I sat her down and had a five minute chat with her about, well, how her life was and what was going on. It was a really awkward, forced chat, but it ended in both of us admitting that we had some sort of residual feelings after that night that haven't subsided. At parts of the conversation, we'd both made moves to kiss each other, but we stopped each other. "It wouldn't be fair on "them," we concluded.



I don't know why I've cheated and really, honestly don't want to do it again. I'm really happy in my relationship (well, aside from the fact my parents constantly give me shit about being with her; and the fact that my friends don't really like her), I don't want it to end... But when I get into this drunken state, shit hits the fan and I never know why.

[theedge]

i think the reason people cheat instead of just breaking up with their partner is because there afraid that if they leave there bf/gf husband/wife for someone else is if the fantasy relationship in there head with this other person doesnt turn out to be what they expect they still have a safety net to fall back on? jus my opinion but i've been cheated on recently and i have an idea of the feelings u express in ur thread and i agree that i am left with doubts that i'll ever trust another girl the same again. I wouldnt wish the feelings of betrayal from someone you love an thought "loved" you on my worst enemy! if not out of love for your partner you should break up before moving on to someone else out of respect ......

[Ccab]

The way I see it. Cheating is only cheating if you feel like strong emotions toward the other person. Now, I personally do believe cheating is wrong. I have cheated on my past two girlfriends. Why? I dont know. I was young and stupid. I am currently dating a girl now that I would NEVER in a million years cheat on. Simply because the last girl I was with I dated for 3 years and I realized after we broke up that she was the love of my life. She was perfect but I lost her because I cheated. I was single for about 6 months now I am dating the girl I am now. She is younger (16 years old) my ex was 19. But, regardless I would never cheat on her because I really like my girlfriend I have now. So, I wouldnt want to do that to her. Plus, people get in some relationships and take it for granted where they get the mentality that "Oh, we're gonna be together no matter what happens" Well, I hope no one reading this has that mentality because GUESS WHAT its a bad one to have and its definitely not true. NOTHING is gauranteed to last forever in life. So, if you have something special CHERISH it while you can!

[Lost_Confused]

I was cheated on before.
It was because he didn't truly love me, and didn't care. He told me he did, and he acted all sweet and loving to me, but i found out he secretly started a relationship with another older woman.

It sucked, but i got over him because i realized he wasn't worth my time, and if he really loved me he wouldn't have cheated.

I would NEVER cheat on someone though. And i sure don't think cheating is right. At all. It hurts the person you cheated on, and affects their and your relationships in the future.

[ks829]

all i have to say is i can understand maybe why someone would cheat.. although i have never cheated or been cheated on... so i dont know personally from that front.. but im in a relationship where i am not happy, but he is.. and i love him enough to not want to hurt him and break up with him... but i still have terrible thoughts of "i wish he would cheat on me so i can break up with him, itd be so much easier" or "i wish he was a jerk off so i could drop him and not care".... many people may feeel like i do, where they just arent happy, and its not because of a reason like their partner is a bad person or has cheated, etc.. but simply they just arent happy in the relationship
not sure if this made sense but all in all, cheating is bad, but i understand the struggles of someone who may want to cheat.... overall i guess im just too chicken to break up with him :-/

[ks829]

[quote=Ccab;541963] Plus, people get in some relationships and take it for granted where they get the mentality that "Oh, we're gonna be together no matter what happens" Well, I hope no one reading this has that mentality because GUESS WHAT its a bad one to have and its definitely not true. NOTHING is gauranteed to last forever in life.quote]

^^^ right there is another reason why someone may be too scared to break up with their partner and just go and cheat!!

my bf says it all the time "forever and always" "we will be together forever" and one night i was so upset about my life and our relationship that i told him it may not be forever.. WHICH IS TRUE AND A NORMAL THING TO SAY I THINK RIGHT? and he bugged.

so from the cheaters prospective, they are scared because they feel trapped.

btw, not making excused for cheating, its wrong, but hey everyone makes mistakes and we are all human, shit happens. and when it does it has many reasons, and unfortionatly i can see some of the reasons easily

[Gorodetsky]

Im not sure what other people have said but i agree with you
i think that sort of behaviour is immoral and uncalled for.
I have been cheated on three times in the space of 5 years (two by the only two people i have "loved") and each time the feeling is so bad.
I have also cheated on someone granted this person had cheated on me two days after the passing of my grandparent and while i was away for the funeral (two hours after i left) he was in bed with someone else and rage filled i did the same back but even then i have never ever forgiven myself it was childish and wrong and even though he (personally i think) deserved punishment i still feel it was so wrong to do it.
That is why i cant understand why people do it. My most recent boyfriend cheated on me for months, he was very very devious and i have a theory about why it continues.
People allow it, kinda like bullying. If you continue to let it happen then it will continue to happen forgiving it or looking the other way if someone does it.
My best friend cheated on his partner who i didnt know but i couldnt be in his company and i didnt talk to him for a year, neither did our other best friend. Needless to say he has never ever cheated on anyone since.
It not as simple as that granted there will always be people with no self control or no morals or whatever excuses people make up to get away with awful behaviour but i think by not making it acceptable it wont be.
Personally i think there is only one acceptable excuse for cheating and it is a complete extremity.
I agree with you-Smitten.

EDIT
also personally i think you only feel trapped if you make yourself feel trapped. People say things like forever and always and i agree that can be a slightly mad thing to say but people get mad when they feel "love" or w.e. I feel trapped in my relationship right now but i completely acknowledge that i feel trapped because iv made myself feel that way nothing to do with what my boyfriend says or does.
I can see the reasons but i can never ever understand them. There is always something you can do and blaming anything other than oneself is out of line. We make our own beds no one else. Its hard to break up with people yes but it is not hard NOT to cheat. Trust me i know iv been in the possition many a time and only cheated once (read above) im not trying to be nasty to anyone but i think finding excuses makes it continue.

[Boobies]

Sometimes it just seems like the right thing to do.

[JackOffJill]

I cheated on my last boyfriend 7 different times. However I am a sex addict and when sex is offered I usually cannot say no. Most people dont believe that sex is a really addiction but it is. My addiction is hard to explain but for me it has to do a lot with needing to feel wanted and needed. I didnt feel those things with my ex. Sex and cheating was also my drug- my way to basically get high and escape the world. Another reason why I cheated was because I did want out of my relationship- I tried many times to break up with my ex and he wouldnt let me. So I figured if I cheated then he would leave me and that would solve the issue but never did. Finally I was able to stand my ground and I was able to leave him.

Even though cheating is a bad thing, I understand it because Ive been there.