Triggering (SH): Serious relationship trouble - help!

[19230]

I asked out this girl that i really liked about 10.5 months ago, and the first few months of our relationship were wonderful. However since month 6 or so, things have been spiraling downhill... The problem is that we care about each other so much, that if i hurt her with something i say or do (it's almost always me, and i never do it on purpose) she feels bad, then i feel worse for hurting her and making her feel bad, then she feels worse because I feel bad, and it just spirals down out of control and eventually ends with both of us cutting and once ended with her wanting to commit suicide. This inevitably ends with me feeling like the most miserable boyfriend in the world and her feeling like the most miserable girlfriend in the world for always getting extremely upset and/or being exceedingly picky about what I do and not being able to resist*bringing up the problems with every little thing that i do. This is happening with increasing frequency, sometimes even 7-10 days in a row... *That said, we still have good times together and love each other, but im afraid that im going to lose it and break up with her because i just can't take it anymore - watching the person you love cut themselves or want to kill themselves because of something you did is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I hesitate to call these problems "fights" because there is never any physical involvement, and extremely rarely do voices get raised (and its always her, I've never raised my voice with her)

Does anyone now how to go about making this situation better? *We can't really go to a therapist because the on-campus therapist isn't allowed to do couples therapy, only individual clinical therapy. She does however have an individual therapist (for her anxiety disorder) so do you think it would be a good idea to either a) bring it up with her therapist directly or ask my girlfriend to talk to her therapist about it directly?

Im sorry this is so long, but thank you for any input. It would be the end of the world for both of us if we broke up, but I'm afraid that might be the only option if we keep hurting each other with increasing frequency.*

[Klynn]

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. All couples will fight, but her not being able to handle the small fights is worrying. I would bring it up to her or someone you trust to be able to help her (her counselor or someone trustworthy that is there to help). It isn't normal for her to take these fights so extreme that she wants to cut herself or commit suicide, it sounds like she's battling depression and maybe more (something may have happened that she's struggling with).

Bottom line, you shouldn't be thinking you are a horrible person for "making her want to kill herself", that is her issue and not yours. Help her out but do not beat yourself up about your fights, fights are normal, not fighting is abnormal.

[WillO'Wisp]

I would break it off with her. From the sounds of it, this girl is not stable enough to even be in a relationship with anyone at the moment, and needs to seek help.
You seem to be walking on eggshells all the time with this girl, and personally, nobody wants a relationship like that or wants to be with a person like that. Perhaps you two just aren't compatible.
This is not a healthy relationship to be in, and despite the fact you two love each other, sometimes that's just not enough. It doesn't sound like this is going to work out, so the best thing you can do for yourself is get out of this relationship. That way, you two will both have time to work past your personal problems and get past this cutting phase, and have some time to work things out for yourselves.

[Lizzie]

While it is normal for relationships to change slightly after dating for a few months, what you are describing is in no shape or form normal or healthy. Relationships are not supposed to be that hard. Even if you are doing these things on accident her reactions to whatever you are saying or doing are not healthy and they are not OK. Not to mention they are not fair to you to make you go through this with her.

I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you are under no obligation to stay with her. Obviously things are just not working out between the two of you and that is ok. It is normal for two people to just not be right for each other. It just seems like to me, if you stick this out, there is no good ending for either of you. Wouldn’t you rather find someone that makes you not only happy, but you don’t have to worry about hurting her feelings on a regular basis?

It honestly sounds like she could use some help or advice and that you are not doing this intentionally. So it’s not really fair for you to stick around and have her reactions to situations hurt you like this. And I know its not going to be comfortable or easy to break it off, but I really think it’s the best thing for both of you right now.

[MacGuffin]

The problem starts when you start to feel bad that she feels bad about the things you say. Her feelings are in no way your responsibility; her reactions are her own to own and be accountable for. For you to take them on only compounds the situation.

It sounds like you put a lot of blame on yourself. Until you can sort through that blame, realize what part each person plays in the problems in the relationship, and face those problems without harming yourselves you aren't going to be able to have a healthy and stable relationship with this girl. It's good that she is in therapy; I would suggest you be in therapy as well. I think the key to working out things with each other is to actively address the issues you have as individuals. Unless all of this happens, it's just simply not going to work out between the two of you. So make it healthy, or else abandon it. It does no one any good to be stuck in this poisonous pattern.