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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 15th 2011, 07:34 AM

Hello, my name is Nolan Andrew Scherer Kinney.

Here's my story.
Lets start out the first time I saw her, I couldn't take my eyes off her, but when I was in 11th grade, I was a bit shy, through out highschool. I did try to say "Hi" but my hands got shaky when ever I got close to her, my pawms swetty, so i kept walking by. I finally found a way to talk to her, I found her on Myspace, and I stayed up all night trying to figure out if I should click ADD. I took the chance, she added me. we started to talk.
I found out we had the same goal in life, to become a tattoo artist, that was how i found a topic to introduce myself to her. we talked more, and at the time i didn't have a cell phone so that was the only way I could talk to her. We decided we were going to hangout finally, tryed but her boyfriend told her, that if she ever hung out with me he would dumb her. we tryed to hangout a couple more time after that, but things went wrong, i showed up late by a five mins, and she was already gone. I thought she was messing with me, so i stopped talking to her, she found me on facebook, after i deleted my myspace for a year, i have a cell phone now so we started to text, and I asked her if she wanted to hangout like we tryed before, and she said "YES!!!" so we got together.

We were walking and I got her to laugh the whole time, she told me she hasn't laughed like that in a long time after we got done hanging out, the whole time we were hanging out I wanted to get to know her more, so we talked about our interests in life, what we liked to do, and how we both like art, we clicked from the start, we were hanging out at her house, and she was eating a lot and i had no problem i got to spend time with her she must be hungry i thought, i found out she was just as nervous as i was, my nervous made me keep my jacket on the whole time, and she ate when she got nervous. The whole time I wanted to put my arm around her, the whole time she wanted me to, and i didn't know. we hung out for three hours, watched a movie and talked.

I started to fall in love with her from her personality, she's very beutiful, but i fell in love with who she was, because that the type of guy I am. We have every thing in common, from art, to animals, nature, and more. We have personalitys that are different that keep everything from overwhelming each other and makes everything fall into place and fit.

I was talking to her after i left through text messages, and she said "I would of liked it if you stayed longer, i already miss you" I jokling said, "hey what's" when I was next to her, because i was nervous when I was hanging out with her, and she replied "just hanging out with the coolist guy ever" I didn't reply because why would i talk to her through texts if we were right next to each other.

On the walk home, I replyed to that text saying "Ah, not much I just hung out with the most awsome girl in the world" we started to talk more and we ended up talking about how much we both wanted to cuddle.

I asked her if she was single and she said "It's complicated, but don't get me wrong I really like you alot" I found out later on why things were complicated, but we're not there yet, and no it wasn't another guy.

We contiune talking, and we ended up talking about how much we wanted to date each other, and how we both liked each other the first time our eyes met, but we were both to shy to talk to each other an that she had a crush on me as long as i had on her.

we talked more and ended up on the topic, she asked me "What do you want out of this now" I said "I would like to be your boyfriend, get to know you more, and or be your friend" she said "I would like that a lot" about two hours later we nerdly asked each other out at the same time. Thing were going great.

I met her mom, her mother and father are divorced, and she told her that she couldn't date me, because I was 18 now. But when we first met she was 14 and i was 16. We're still dating, because we both like each other a lot and her mother is making things complicated for us, even though it's 100% legal dating her, and where I live she's over the age of consent. When I met her family, they seemd pretty cool, we ended up talking about comic books, warhammer, and comic con, her mother and i. she seemed like a really nice person, but i found out she's the type of person who puts on a face for company and then changes once everyone is gone.

I sat up all night trying to figure out a way to talk to her mother about this, and i didn't know when I was going to get the next chance to do it. so i found out she had a facebook and i sent this.

Dear, (MOTHER NAME HERE)

I would prefer to talk to you about this in person, but I don’t know when I’ll get an opportunity to. I heard from (GF NAME HERE) that you didn’t want us dating, and at first I was really upset about hearing that, we get along really well, and we have similar goals and interests in life, which is a big part of why I enjoy spending time with her. I tried putting myself in your shoes and I can respect where you stand on this whole thing, but she’s the first girl I've legitimately cared for. If (GF NAME HERE) and I were to start dating she would be my first real girlfriend, and I have nothing but good intentions. When I think about dating your daughter it makes me very happy, I would just like the opportunity to talk to you and have you get to know me a little more. I plan on treating your daughter right, with utmost respect. Thanks for your time and I’m really looking forward to hearing back from you. If you have any questions or anything feel free to call, honestly I’m nervous, but I feel like it would be right to say this to you.

Sincerely,
Nolan Kinney
(MY NUMBER WAS HERE)

Still no reply, when she goes home, her mother sits on the couch all day, while she makes her clean the house, cook, take care of her mothers kids, change sheets and do laundry and more. I have a feeling the reason why she doesn't want us dating is the fact i'm 18 now and that she doesn't want to lose her person maid.

Her mother and step father, call her a whore, because of her dating in the past, her family is religous.

She called me one day crying, about us not being able to date and, another time about her step dad comming home and randomly telling her he was going to send her to jail and make her stay there till she was 21. every chance her mother and step father get they bring her down.

She was telling me about, how she went to get help from a school councler, and she told the councler, how her mother acts and step father and how herself is not suicidal or depressed, but from the constant things they say to her, they make her feel like crap and make her feel depressed, and she told the councler, that her mother was suicidal herself, the councler called her mom to get help for my gf. Her mother told a lie to the councler that everything was not true, and grounded my GF for five months and didn't allow her to talk to anyone, because she went to get help.

i was talking to her about trying to move in with her father, because it seemed to me like they were sucking the life out of her. she told me "I did try that before, my mom told me that "That I will make things worse for your father if you ever try to leave" and i'm afraid she really means it and she has done that before"

We've been dating for awhile now, without her mother knowing, for about two weeks, but i've known her for a year.
We did talk about her waiting till she turned 18 next year and everything would be fine and how she wanted me to come get her on her 18 birthday and take her away.

I came up with the idea, of dating her till next year and even longer, but in the mean time, just text and talk on the phone more, hangout every now and then. till she turned 18, or i told her I would wait for her and she would wait for me, and that i wouldn't date or fool around with anyone, and same goes for her.

we've already expressed how much we care about each other and i told her that she was my dream girl, and she honestly is, if you belive in soulmates, she my soulmate type deal, she's the person i would like to spend a really long time with and see where things go from there. no we haven't talked about marriage that's to early.

I care a lot about her, and she cares a lot about me. I trust her and she trusts me, we clicked from the start and she's the only girl i've ever said "I love you to" and ment it, and she said the same about me.

She's being hurt because of our relationship, because she doesn't want to have to lie to her mom about dating, because she had to do it in the past (Her mom doesn't like it when she dates people even her age) and i care about her a lot and i don't want her to suffer like this. because when i said "I love you" I ment it from the heart.

She has told me, she feels safe in my arms, i took all her pain away, and her past relationships have made it hard for to get close to someone, and i told her "I will never put you through what they put you through, I will always be here for you, no matter what time it is, if you need someone to talk to, you can come to me, no matter what it is, I will never judge you, I will only be here to listen and hold you tight, and talk to you about it. I'm not like those guys, i was taught from a young age from my mother to be a gentlemen, hold doors open for girls, give my seats to elders, push in girls seats, respect them, and only ever treat them with love and how i would like to be treat, to always say "yes please" and "No thank you" to always use manners and treat every girl with respect".

Now, here's the thing that I don't understand, parents talk about how they want there daughter to date, a man, who will treat them right, treat them with respect, be a gentlmen to them, and be there for them. i'm that person and i will never change, i made my mom a promis when she passed away that i will never change the person she tuaght me to be. I have a really big heart, and i hate to see people suffer.

This girl is honestly, like i said if you belive in soulmates, she's my soulmate, she's honestly the person i want to spend a long time with, to never hurt and only protect her from those monsters and dark nights. I care about her a lot, I didn't fall in love with her to fast, because i known her for a year before we started to date.

I just don't want her to suffer because of her mom and I, and cause more pain on her, but at the same time, i'm keeping her pain away and causing it, because like i said her mother and i.

She made all my pain go away, she made me forget about my father getting cancer, losing my mother, having to move my whole life, being poor, she eased my thoughts and made everything alright, i want to do the same for her, and i don't know how i could ever repay her, but to give her my heart and only ever treat her right and protect her, make her pain go away like she did for me.

I can honestly say with all my heart, I truely love this girl and I found my soulmate the girl I want to spend a long time with and that'll never change. When you find someone like that you just know, and we both think the same way.

What are your honest opinion about all this, also please don't just put, "your young, you'll meet more people" not to be rude, but I know that, and i don't want to, i'm going to be aragent right now and leave it at (Because I posted this before on a different site and all i got back was "YOU"RE YOUNG") i want to spend a long time with her and i'm prepared to fight for our love. I'm not going to just give up and say good bye to the girl I care about a lot, just because her mother doesn't want us to date, when we only have to wait a year, and i'm not going to let down the fight, but at the same time i don't want to hurt her.

Also sorry if the last part seems bad, i just don't know how to word it that well... i'm not really use to doing this type of stuff and asking for advice. so sorry if the last part is rude, i didn't mean for it to come off that way

Last edited by NolanKinney; February 15th 2011 at 07:58 AM.
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 15th 2011, 08:06 AM

i wish i could say i had the same problem but i don't.
i had a problem where i met the perfect guy and it made the best summer of my life... the problem was that i was a distraction for both our educations. He recieved bad grades and as a result his father made the family move.. it was really hard to let go and keep distance or communication for him because it felt so dam rite.. but to be honest he and i both know it was for the best... I'm not sure if this is relevent to you but if it helps in any way... i'll be glad.. =) goodluck!


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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 15th 2011, 08:07 AM

I believe in true love and I think the way you say you feel for her and about all that's happening between you two, might just be real love. And real love is worth fighting for. I'm not saying you should do something stupid like run away together, because that would only make things worse. I've been a 16-year-girl with difficult parents(and they still are very much so) so I can relate to what she must be feeling. I don't know her personally but I can imagine she feels the same way about you as I feel about my own boyfriend.

I would say, talk to her parents. Very few parents are actually simply evil and I'm not justifying their actions here but you're older than she is so you already should be mature enough to know there is two sides of the story. Try talking to them, tell them how you feel about their daughter and try to find out why they oppose the idea of you two dating, or dating as a whole. I've known religious people and they don't oppose love. Tell them you love her and you are even ready to wait for her if that's what they want. Oh, and talk to them without your girlfriend present or the discussion will most likely turn into a shouting or bitching competition. But do tell her you are going to talk to them, no need to be secretive about it.

I hope you will find a way to get through this, my best wishes to both of you!
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 15th 2011, 08:21 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by NolanKinney View Post
I would talk to her parents about it, and trust me i will if it comes down to her breaking up with me because of it. but her mother is the type of person to say, "I'm going to put a restraining order on him" she has already told her that she was going to do that to her other Boyfriends.
I'm getting the idea that she and her mother don't communicate much. Maybe her mother is just worried that she will throw away her education and get knocked up or something. Is she the oldest child? Parents always have funny and irrational worries especially what it comes to their oldest child. It will be so much easier for the younger children, which I should know as the oldest child. If they don't even know with whom their daughter is going out, how can they be supposed to understand and accept. I know you have met them and spent time with them, even though you say her mother acts completely different around people(my mother is the same) and maybe it is so. Many people do that around people they don't know. Spend time with the whole family, if that's possible, simply as friends. Show the parents that you are a nice guy who has the best intentions towards their daughter (as ancient as it sounds) and that you were taught manners. People are always afraid of the unknown and I get the feeling her parents are acting this way because they are scared of perhaps losing their daughter.

I hope this helps a bit, I'm happy to talk more if you want to
   
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February 15th 2011, 09:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadprincess View Post
I'm getting the idea that she and her mother don't communicate much. Maybe her mother is just worried that she will throw away her education and get knocked up or something. Is she the oldest child? Parents always have funny and irrational worries especially what it comes to their oldest child. It will be so much easier for the younger children, which I should know as the oldest child. If they don't even know with whom their daughter is going out, how can they be supposed to understand and accept. I know you have met them and spent time with them, even though you say her mother acts completely different around people(my mother is the same) and maybe it is so. Many people do that around people they don't know. Spend time with the whole family, if that's possible, simply as friends. Show the parents that you are a nice guy who has the best intentions towards their daughter (as ancient as it sounds) and that you were taught manners. People are always afraid of the unknown and I get the feeling her parents are acting this way because they are scared of perhaps losing their daughter.

I hope this helps a bit, I'm happy to talk more if you want to
She is the oldest, her two brothers are 5 and younger, I would love to try that, I just want the chance for her mother to get to know me first, before she makes up her mind, but i found out from my GF, she's the type of person who if she makes up her mind it's set in stone type deal.

I just don't want to lose her because of this, like i said I can see myself spending a very long time with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sadprincess View Post
I believe in true love and I think the way you say you feel for her and about all that's happening between you two, might just be real love. And real love is worth fighting for. I'm not saying you should do something stupid like run away together, because that would only make things worse. I've been a 16-year-girl with difficult parents(and they still are very much so) so I can relate to what she must be feeling. I don't know her personally but I can imagine she feels the same way about you as I feel about my own boyfriend.

I would say, talk to her parents. Very few parents are actually simply evil and I'm not justifying their actions here but you're older than she is so you already should be mature enough to know there is two sides of the story. Try talking to them, tell them how you feel about their daughter and try to find out why they oppose the idea of you two dating, or dating as a whole. I've known religious people and they don't oppose love. Tell them you love her and you are even ready to wait for her if that's what they want. Oh, and talk to them without your girlfriend present or the discussion will most likely turn into a shouting or bitching competition. But do tell her you are going to talk to them, no need to be secretive about it.

I hope you will find a way to get through this, my best wishes to both of you!
I wouldn't run away with her, I'm going to stand my ground and fight through what ever is thrown at me, no matter what and i would never let her through away her highschool just to be with me. if she wants to go to the same school i am going to go to, she's going to need a diploma.

I want to so bad, but from what I asked her about it, she said it's not a great idea she thinks, because her mom will just get more mad and not trust her. i just wish her mother could see who i truely am, before she goes off and judges me from just talking to her for 10 mins, and we honestly didn't even talk about anything important or what mattered.

Quote:
Originally Posted by notabell View Post
i wish i could say i had the same problem but i don't.
i had a problem where i met the perfect guy and it made the best summer of my life... the problem was that i was a distraction for both our educations. He recieved bad grades and as a result his father made the family move.. it was really hard to let go and keep distance or communication for him because it felt so dam rite.. but to be honest he and i both know it was for the best... I'm not sure if this is relevent to you but if it helps in any way... i'll be glad.. =) goodluck!
Sorry to hear about you guys moving apart, but i understand what you're saying, and thank you for the advice, and thank you for the goodluck. this is the type of girl i wouldn't want to give up because something like that, when you find someone like that you just know

Last edited by PSY; February 16th 2011 at 03:25 AM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts.
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 15th 2011, 09:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by NolanKinney View Post
She is the oldest, her two brothers are 5 and younger, I would love to try that, I just want the chance for her mother to get to know me first, before she makes up her mind, but i found out from my GF, she's the type of person who if she makes up her mind it's set in stone type deal.

I just don't want to lose her because of this, like i said I can see myself spending a very long time with her.
As much as you love your GF, remember that what she says about her mother is more than little biased. I was the exact same when I was 16, and I still am. I'm sure there is some truth in what she says but not all of it is the one and only truth. Her mother probably loves her very much and I can understand that your GF finds it very frustrating that she has to help with the chores and taking care of her younger brothers, but it's life. Older children always have to help with the chores and stuff, and when her brothers are older, they will have to help with the household stuff as well. It sucks, especially if she hates doing chores(like I do lol) but probably her mother thinks she's doing a favor for her daughter so that she isn't completely helpless when she moves out.

Love makes us often blind, and people are always a bit funny what it comes to their parents. Some people love them so much that they won't see anything bad in them, whereas some people won't see anything good in their parents. It's not good to be extreme in that way, and again, I suggest you try getting to know her family. I know that her little brothers would love it if you played with them, it would be like having a big brother for them, and it would really show her parents that you're not just some kind of creep who's going to hurt their daughter. They are trying to protect her, not necessarily in a good way but anyways.

Take small steps, talk with your girlfriend and support her when she feels like she can't take it anymore. I'm sure you're already doing that but it's really important. And give her family a chance, like you wish to do, and maybe you'll both be surprised to see that her family will actually give you a chance as well. It's not certain but you'll never know if you don't try..
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 15th 2011, 04:17 PM

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As much as you love your GF, remember that what she says about her mother is more than little biased. I was the exact same when I was 16, and I still am. I'm sure there is some truth in what she says but not all of it is the one and only truth. Her mother probably loves her very much and I can understand that your GF finds it very frustrating that she has to help with the chores and taking care of her younger brothers, but it's life. Older children always have to help with the chores and stuff, and when her brothers are older, they will have to help with the household stuff as well. It sucks, especially if she hates doing chores(like I do lol) but probably her mother thinks she's doing a favor for her daughter so that she isn't completely helpless when she moves out.

Love makes us often blind, and people are always a bit funny what it comes to their parents. Some people love them so much that they won't see anything bad in them, whereas some people won't see anything good in their parents. It's not good to be extreme in that way, and again, I suggest you try getting to know her family. I know that her little brothers would love it if you played with them, it would be like having a big brother for them, and it would really show her parents that you're not just some kind of creep who's going to hurt their daughter. They are trying to protect her, not necessarily in a good way but anyways.

Take small steps, talk with your girlfriend and support her when she feels like she can't take it anymore. I'm sure you're already doing that but it's really important. And give her family a chance, like you wish to do, and maybe you'll both be surprised to see that her family will actually give you a chance as well. It's not certain but you'll never know if you don't try..
I understand that you can't take one persons word, and judge another from what someone else says till you meet them. If what she says is true about her mom and step father being abusive to her emotionly, there's nothing i can do for her, sept for be here for her, like i am 24/7 when ever she needs to talk.
I'm going to try and hangout with her and her mother again in the future, but at the moment things aren't going well at her house hold.
I understand also about the chores, but when she does them everyday and isn't allowed to do anything, but do chores. it's kinda over doing it, in my own opinion, from what i'm told her mom and step father say that they're going to send her to jail for a long time, when ever they get the chance and the heat is up. I understand people when they get angry they say things they tend to of not of said if they wern't frustrated, everyone says things they regret later on while they're mad, I myself can relate to that.

I do talk to her a lot about her problems, and that's all i can really do, till next year. I made a promiss with her, that when turned 18, i would come and take her away. I'm not going to take her away from her family for ever, because i know what it's like to not have much family, i just think once she turns 18, and we're still dating, we'll live together and it'll give her a break from her mother.

I care about her a lot, and her past relationships used her for something, and i'm not like that, when I said I would be here for her no matter what the probelm was, i ment it with all my heart and at times like this because of her age, there's not much I can personly do.

I understand that being 16 is tough, because i went through most of the same things, but i was mad and pissed off at my dad, only because how abusive he was when i was younger, whole reason i started to lift weights, was to protect my sister and I from him, if anything ever happened or repeated it self from my childhood. It took a big change when my father got cancer, I was here for him and taking care of him. I don't agree what he did in the past was right, but the past is the past and if you dwell on it, it becomes worse.
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 17th 2011, 02:18 AM

We broke up, we're going to try to date again next year when she's 18 and things are less complicated.

Last edited by NolanKinney; February 17th 2011 at 03:21 AM.
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 17th 2011, 08:35 AM

Screw my last post. I came up with something that'll keep us together and at the same time we wont be dating.

Alright so get this.

Her mother will let us be friends, but we wont be able to go anywhere, only to her house. we're both artists, we start making a comic book, it's going to take a year to finish, her mother will trust me after awhile and get to know me more when i go to hangout. My opinion, relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend is just a word, it's not stronger then what we feel about each other and i'm not going to let those two words destroy our feelings, also by not dating she wont feel guilty about lying to her mom, and yet our feelings will just grow for each other over that year, we still say we love each other at nights before we go to sleep and we talk all the time still, that's not going to stop. two things come out of this, our love grows and our friendship grows. so she'll become my best friend and i will to her, also our love will grow, so when the time comes and she can move out and date me we'll be stronger and she wont be lonely for the year we're waiting, because i'll be over there every week working on our comic book together and teaching each other things about our art, i'll help her sell her art also like i do now... i'm so happy right now, i was sad when we broke up, but it doesn't even seem like we've broke up, because our feelings for each other is truely strong, i'm not going to let the word boyfriend and girlfriend destroy our feelings for each other over the year.

sorry for repeating myself, i'm just happy!!!
i'm going to walk her home from school tomorrow and tell her this
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 19th 2011, 07:25 PM

Today, her mom read out texts, and found out we were more then friends, we're not allowed to talk to each other anymore, and if i try contacting her she'll put a restraining order against me, i'm going to have to wait the year and see if she still loves me.
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 19th 2011, 07:41 PM

Goodluck, Thats gotta be really tough Ill pray for you, and i hope that ur love stays strong over this year.


Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
Living in your heart
   
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Re: 16 year old dating 18 year old only two years apart - February 20th 2011, 08:12 AM

Thank you, I found a way i can talk to her still, through my friend, who is like her older brother, i had him send her my real goodbye i wanted to say that yesterday, also i was thinking about getting a pre-paid cell phone for her so we can talk, but only at nights and what not.

i don't know if should get the cell phone so we can talk again, i just don't want to lose complete contact with her. when i told him about it, he said that i was acting like a creeper.

is it really being a creeper, if you just want to talk to a girl... who has the same feelings for you?
   
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