Am I being unreasonable with him? LDR communication

[tamz]

Basically my partner has just moved away for a 6month job contract. He's now living 150/200 miles away so obviously I don't see him. Since he's gone, he's barely spoken to me. Sometimes he'll talk to me for about 2minutes at a time but that's it. He promises to phone back later but then doesn't because he's down the pub. Just had an argument with him now as I was upset he doesn't talk to me any more. He said he's not going to apologise for being busy. He says he's busy all day yet he's down the pub from 8 til 12!! I know shouting at him and arguing is only going to push him further away but he just upsets me so much. It really feels like he doesn't care as from my point of view he can't even be bothered to text a little hey, or i love you, or whatever. Before he went we used to talk all the time and see each other every weekend. Not so long back he lived with me constantly for a period of 2 months.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable getting so upset about it?

[Quartet]

Absolutely not!
If he has time to go to the pub, he's got time to give you a call.
My ex did the same shit to me, all the time. Once he started college our whole relationship changed. He RARELY spoke to me and it caused major holes in our relationship.
It's understandable if he's working constantly and he needs some time to himself to relax, but he's at a bar. That's ridiculous. He needs to be a better partner and understand you need some time as well in his busy day.

[Brandon]

I'm not going to say that you're acting unreasonably, but I can also understand why he wouldn't talk to you. He's probably stressed out as it is, and he probably goes to the pub to loosen up a bit and to enjoy his time off work. Communicating with you would only result in him thinking about you, and I wouldn't want to think/miss a woman when I'm already stressed enough as it is. Me personally, I'd give him some time to himself. Let him call you rather than you worry about calling him. But I can see where that would be a problem also. If he just doesn't bother to take anytime to talk to you in the near future, then maybe he's just not as committed to the relationship as he used to be and it would be your que to find someone else.

[losing touch.]

no, you're not being unreasonable. i'd feel the same way. when will you see him next? is there any way he can come home to visit at weekends? or you can go there? i think you need to talk to him face to face. over the phone just isn't the same.

[Acheron]

How often are you trying to contact him?

[tamz]

Well before he went we said we'd talk to each other all the time. But I've worked where he is before and I know what it's like, sometimes you just want to collapse into bed and not talk to anyone other than the people you work with. when I say a bar, it's like an onsite bar so it's not like he's going offsite. I can't even see him for another 6 (maybe 7?) weeks :/

I mean I do understand like why he's not texting in the day and stuff and if he says he's busy, then the majority of the time he probably is. But I also think if you can be up until 1am getting peed (yet claiming to be permanently tired) then surely you've got time to just sent a small text. It's a hard one. I remember what it was like when I worked there & I rarely texting anyone, despite going to the pub / staff room most nights. But at the same time when there was a guy back home I really like I did still find time to talk to him. Maybe it's different because my job was 12-2 then 5pm-1am as opposed to 9-6 but it's just upsetting that he says he loves me but can't even text.

sorry this is really rambly

[Acheron]

Originally Posted by tamz

Well before he went we said we'd talk to each other all the time. But I've worked where he is before and I know what it's like, sometimes you just want to collapse into bed and not talk to anyone other than the people you work with. when I say a bar, it's like an onsite bar so it's not like he's going offsite. I can't even see him for another 6 (maybe 7?) weeks :/

I mean I do understand like why he's not texting in the day and stuff and if he says he's busy, then the majority of the time he probably is. But I also think if you can be up until 1am getting peed (yet claiming to be permanently tired) then surely you've got time to just sent a small text. It's a hard one. I remember what it was like when I worked there & I rarely texting anyone, despite going to the pub / staff room most nights. But at the same time when there was a guy back home I really like I did still find time to talk to him. Maybe it's different because my job was 12-2 then 5pm-1am as opposed to 9-6 but it's just upsetting that he says he loves me but can't even text.

sorry this is really rambly

Yeah, you need more reasonable expectations. He's in a job, meeting new people. Like you said, you rarely texted anyone when you were doing it. Trim your contact time with him, because if you're trying to talk all the time you're just going to smother him. Aim to call maybe twice a week or something.

[tamz]

Yeah you're right. I'm just the sort of person that's really insecure and like he always used to complain when i didn't text him back from being in uni so it's quite hard now. But yeah, I'll try lay off a bit

thanks

Originally Posted by Brandon

I'm not going to say that you're acting unreasonably, but I can also understand why he wouldn't talk to you. He's probably stressed out as it is, and he probably goes to the pub to loosen up a bit and to enjoy his time off work. Communicating with you would only result in him thinking about you, and I wouldn't want to think/miss a woman when I'm already stressed enough as it is. Me personally, I'd give him some time to himself. Let him call you rather than you worry about calling him. But I can see where that would be a problem also. If he just doesn't bother to take anytime to talk to you in the near future, then maybe he's just not as committed to the relationship as he used to be and it would be your que to find someone else.

Ooh just noticed your message and I thought it was really good. Ya know I can see both sides of the story. Sometimes I think it just bothers me that he promises he'll phone but then doesn't. I know what you mean though, and my sister said the same. Basically don't text him / call him for a few days and then if he doesn't get in contact with me then obv he's not that bothered about us and it's time to let go.

[Quartet]

I agree with what other have stated above, but you also have to take into consideration that you talked about still finding time to talk to each other before he left for the job.
As much as you need to have reasonable expectations in terms of how busy he is, he needs to find time for you.
A relationship is not a one way street, it works both ways and you both need to compromise. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, honestly, I think you're reacting perfectly normal in this situation. It never a bad idea to try and be more understanding, but don't let yourself be pushed over.
I think it's great that you're able to see it from his perspective, it is a new job, he is working a lot, but don't forget about you and what you want as well.

[tamz]

Thanks. Well he's currently doing training and actually goes to his centre where he will start work on wednesday. So I'm hoping that when he does go to his centre then things will change and we will be able to talk more. Otherwise, we will have to have a serious chat about where our relationship goes... that is of course assuming he will give me the time of day to chat about it. I honestly cannot go the next 6months being with someone who never talks to me. Whilst I appreciate he's busy, it's also unreasonable of him to expect me to go without even so much as a text once he's settled in & everything.

Originally Posted by Brandon

Communicating with you would only result in him thinking about you, and I wouldn't want to think/miss a woman when I'm already stressed enough as it is.

Also, whilst I can see where you're coming from, surely if you truly care about someone you'll miss them regardless of if you talk to them? Surely you'd want to just see how their day was going / let them know how yours was? Or even just say good night or something?

I've spoken to one of his best mates and he's having the same issue as me, that he never texts him any more. So I guess it means he doesn't care any less, I just thinks he should realise why we're feeling this way instead of getting all arsey about it.