So Confused ..... ?!?!

[lorilou]

Right so, I was supposed to hang out with the guy I was dating earlier today.

However, I went to a party last night and ended up having to drive home some friends who live about an hour away because they were waaay too drunk. Merely looking out for their safety since I was one of the only sober people there.

I honestly do not have money to spend on things I can't afford right now. I'm paying for tuition out of pocket, driving to school everyday and only getting two shifts a week so money is tight as of now. So, of course my gas tank is on E and well .. that's a problem seeing as though I can't afford to put gas in it :P

I told him that I couldn't go down to see him as he lives an hour and a half away .. so 3 hours all together, and that's quite a bit of gas to be wasting. It wasn't like an insult to him that I wasn't going, but he freaked out at me saying I was really immature for driving my friends home last night and we had had this planned for a few days. He made me feel like such a horrible person for being a DD, I guess I should have let them drive themselves home.

Anyways .. it just happened that a friend of mine messaged me and asked if I would want to drive to the city tonight (where this guy lives) and they would give me gas money because they wanted to go shopping because it's midnight maddness or something and to go visit our friends at a university down there. I said okay, sure why not.

I texted the guy and said I was going down if he wanted to meet up somewhere, and he said no, but I could come back to his apartment .. but my friends weren't allowed. Okay well .. I'm not going to leave my friends and just go hang out with him. That's rude, and not right. He told me they must be immature friends because they shouldn't care if I leave them or not. I suggested he meet me at the mall, we could walk around for a bit and then I'd meet back up with my friends. But no .. it's his place or nothing.

He is literally FREAKING out at me, and so mad because I told him I wasn't going to leave my friends. "You're being immmature, you're lucky I was going to give you a second chance, if you come down here and don't come over, we're done. Most guys wouldn't even give you a second chance after the shit you pulled earlier."

I have NO idea why he's freaking out in this situation, I'm staying completely calm and trying to rationalize the situation but he's the one being immature, in my eyes. Am I being completely immature here? Like .. I don't really see what I'm doing wrong here....

[PlayingPretend]

I can see where he might feel slighted. You made your plans together, and you did not follow through, because you chose to attend a party and things did not go as intended. That being said, though his feelings aren't entirely irrational in the sense many people would likely experience them to some degree, he does need to look outside himself long enough to see the situation for what it was and is. Yes, you went to a party, and maybe you shouldn't have gone that particular night, but driving your friend's home was a matter of safety. Sure, they could have driven themselves, but that happening would have put their lives and the lives of others at risk, and he needs to stop throwing a tantrum long enough to understand it. It can be hard to do when you feel stung by something that happened, but you gave him your reasons and your reasons are incredibly valid; the situation was unexpected, but you made the right and mature decision regarding how to handle it. And he needs to accept that.

With that said, his feelings regarding you going down with your friends... I would likely feel the same way. I don't mean I would be adament about my partner coming to my place "or nothing," but I would like to spend some time with my partner alone. If I were in your shoes, I would likely sit down with my friends and discuss the possibility of them attending what they want to attend while you go hang out with your boyfriend. After all, they're essentially using you for a ride, aren't they. They're paying you to take them to do what they want to do. So what's wrong with doing what you want to do also?

But my hesitancy about doing that comes down to the things he's spitting out left and right. He is acting immature, he is blowing the situation out of proportion, he is too upset to currently see things rationally (how often is he like this?), and I think that giving in to that would do more harm than good. I think it's important to work out compromises, but in a case where one partner is throwing a fit and shouting out some awful things... Well, reward it once and like a child, people do tend to make the association when a tantrum gets them somewhere; giving in would only increase the chances of this happening again.

At this point, I would honestly take a step back. Let him contact you. Let him cool down, and then see if you can talk about it with him more civilly, to explain your side and let him voice his in a calm and collected manner. Because right now, you're not going to get anywhere, and he's treating you in a way you truly do not deserve.

[Duty]

1. You two are dating. He is not your husband. You have your other friendships to think about too, and the fact that you sacrificed going to hang out with your boyfriend so that your friends made it home safely and in one piece is certainly not immature. It's honorable, and a very mature move. Stand by that, because it was the right thing to do. I chose my username on TeenHelp because I have a quote written above my bed that reads "Do your duty as you see it, and damn the consequences." Make that clear to your boyfriend, that his desire to get you alone in his apartment comes after your commitment to keep your friends safe.

2. He is not giving you a "second chance". You couldn't make it to his city because you had no petrol, because you are broke. There's almost nothing that can be done about it, so perhaps he just needs to suck it up and realise that. If anything, I think your friends are the ones giving you a "second chance" by helping you out with gas, and he is being very immature about it.

3.

But no .. it's his place or nothing.

This is pretty telling, in my opinion. Are you two sexually active? If so, this pretty much means "Drive three hours to have sex with me, or we are over."

I'm in no position to give you concrete advice, because I just don't know enough, but it sounds like he's not being the boyfriend he should. Quite frankly, he's being an immature child about this. We haven't heard his side of the story, so thats not set in stone, but you might want to give some serious thought as to whether or not he is worth the hassle.

My advice to you would be to stand your ground and be firm with him.

- If he hassles you for being a sober driver, tell him you did your duty and thats that. No argument.
- If he hassles you for only being able to see him and public and not go back to his apartment, tell him thats the only offer you can make, and to take it or leave it.
- You could also give him some time to cool off, because he might have just lost his temper.

Aside from all that, I think that speaking to you the way he did is unacceptable. Where I'm from that would warrant a punch in the face from any male friends you may or may not have. Keep that in mind. He is not acting like a gentleman.

Cheers,

Duty

[lorilou]

Thank you so much for your response

I apologized about last night - I truly feel bad about it, but at the same, I really wasn't thinking about anything passed getting them home safely.

I also feel bad about the whole situation with my friends - and I DO understand his point of view. But I'm the type of person that wouldn't ask him to leave his friends to see me. I asked him if he wanted to get coffee or something and talk about it but he's pretty much dead set against it.

We've only been dating a month - this is the first time he's gotten really angry, so it kind of scares me for what's to come ... if he's freaking out like this, I don't want it to escalate to anything further.

I texted him and said this: "I understand why you're upset, and I'm really sorry that I made you so mad. But we're not getting anywhere by arguing about this. I see your side of the situation."

He just keeps getting angry with me, and I'm trying to cool off the whole situation .. i don't want to argue with him. I can't do much more than I'm doing, at the moment. I feel like he has some trust issues because he keeps saying 'What if I went there with a girl?"

I never mentioned about bringing a guy at all :S

*Sigh*

[Duty]

Lori, how old are you both?

EDIT: I think you should stop texting, but thats just my opinion. Text is all good for idle chat, but thats about it.

[lorilou]

Yes, we've stopped texting. Or I've stopped responding at the very least.

I'm 18 and he's 23. I'm not sure if it's the age difference that is causing such a rift between us or what. Maybe I'm just not as mature as he is and that's why I can't see things like he does. I'm not sure.

[PlayingPretend]

Your maturity in this situation is far surpassing his.

[Duty]

Originally Posted by lorilou

Maybe I'm just not as mature as he is and that's why I can't see things like he does. I'm not sure.

No.

If I was to take another educated guess, I'd say the only thing the age difference could be creating is the feeling that he can get away with more because he is older and therefore more powerful than you.

Have things calmed down over time?

Cheers,

- Duty

[WillO'Wisp]

It sounds without a doubt like he is the one being childish and needs to grow the hell up. He is freaking out on you over nothing at all! There isn't anything you are doing that you should feel bad about.
He sounds needy and like he wants all of your attention directed at him, and is angry you are going out with your friends and spending time with your friends and have a social life, where as he only wants you to pay all of your attention and time towards him. So this is very selfish on his part.
You are a mature person by driving your friends home. That shows you are also responsible, and that is not immature in any way. How is it even? He's just being completely unreasonable and selfish.
Tell him that you are not going to put up with this bs of his anymore and if he doesn't straighten up and start acting like a mature adult and stop nagging you, it's over. Personally I would break up with him right now. You can do better and you don't need to tolerate this garbage from him, or from any man.