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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Average Joe
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Relationship anxiety. Sex and the idea of forever. - March 24th 2011, 05:11 AM

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for about five months now pretty consistantly. Now the two of us have been together for seven months and I have a hard time sitting comfotably with the idea that we wont be together forever.
At first all fun and games I really liked him and thought happily of becoming very close, but was never really expeting that much. However now I am expecting a lot. I want a life with him and to have a house and a big garden. We talk about it all the time, what we want for the future and how we want eachother in it. The idea of having to go through a breakup with him scares the heck out of me. I really hate the idea, and feel it will be hard for me to handle.
I put a lot of my time into this relationship, to the point where I need more time in the day to get my homework done, which bothers me. I want to be able to finish it all, and get a good grade. And if we in the future are both working and going to school then we may not see eachother. What if we fizzel out after that? Possibly we wont... but we could, and... what I'm really having the hardest time with is the emotional shot it is to know what may happen. It kills me. Any advice?

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Relationship anxiety. Sex and the idea of forever. - March 24th 2011, 10:43 PM

It sounds like you are getting really wrapped up in things that haven't, and might not ever, happen. It's not uncommon to worry about when couples start talking about the future, but it's unhealthy to take it to a level that impedes the current health of the relationship.

Look at it this way: you're with him right now. You're happy right now. You're living life together right now. Living life in the present moment is what can make relationships all the more enjoyable. So when those worries about the future and whether you will be together or not come up, take a deep breath and focus on what you are doing at that moment. Grounding yourself in your present reality can help you truly feel the good in what you have right now, instead of worrying about what might happen tomorrow.

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Re: Relationship anxiety. Sex and the idea of forever. - March 25th 2011, 04:52 AM

Maybe you two could try to get into Schools that are close to each other and if you feel comfortable with it, get an apartment together in that area.
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Re: Relationship anxiety. Sex and the idea of forever. - March 25th 2011, 08:45 AM

You can never know what the future might hold, and of course this is a scary thought, whether or not your boyfriend will be in it. But, your 17! A lot can happen between now and the future. I know this is what is scaring you, but you need to stop thinking about it because if you do, it can be a completely different take on the relationship.
I agree with the first reply: your happy with him now. The future is a long ways away, and you need to live in the NOW. Sure, it's okay to worry about it, but you don't want to live in it. NOW is where it's at, and where your happiness is. If you continue worrying about what might or might not happen, you could lose your boyfriend completely NOW.

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Re: Relationship anxiety. Sex and the idea of forever. - March 25th 2011, 04:34 PM

Sadly, there are a lot of relationships are like yours where you care about him a lot, but some don't last. I started dating when I was 16 and even though it is amazing to picture your life with that guy...chances are you won't be with him. I'm dating my 3rd boyfriend (not including flings). My last boyfriend was thinking about marriage after we both graduated, he was a high school junior/senior. We broke up. Now, I can picture certain things with the guy that I am with. We say things like "if I am with you in __ years..." or he'll say something, but he won't put himself as the husband in the sentence. We care about each other a lot, but we do realize that we might not be together, but there is that chance.

I think what you need to do is take it easy. Start telling him that you need to focus on homework-finish your homework before hanging out with him. That or do your homework together, but make sure you do homework. Also, you are coming up on applying for colleges within the next few year(s). This means really do focus on getting good grades. You have to be able to balance your relationship with him and your school work, which means talk to him!
As for the emotional connection, of course a lot of people get that close and fear a break up. No wonder break ups are hard to get through. Just realize that you are young and it might just happen one day. I'm not saying that you have to have the mindset that you'll break up, I'm just saying do realize that it can happen. In the meantime, I do agree with the other posts, BE HAPPY. Enjoy your time with him! If he makes you happy, then that is really good, so go be with him!

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Re: Relationship anxiety. Sex and the idea of forever. - March 25th 2011, 10:46 PM

A high school relationship transferring to a College relationship is difficult and requires alot of forethought and planning, but it can be done, If you are both getting pretty general degrees (Nursing, Computers, Social work, etc. Degrees that every college has pretty much) you can both go to any school together and still be close to each other.

However, I agree with what Jordan said, in that worrying about the future of a relationship is healthy, but not at the level where it starts to interfere with the present of the relationship. You are happy with him now. That should be what you are focused on. While yes, it is mature and even good that you are worried about the future of this, possible realizing that this may not be forever, it is important to remember the present. Enjoy it while you can, so to speak.

Yes, you can talk about the future of your relationship, and be proactive about approaching it. However, it is unhealthy and just rude to be in a relationship with an expected expiration date. It is also rude to so called "Jump-the-ship-that-is-doomed-to-sink-anyways". If you are in a relationship, you should act like and feel like you are going to be together for an indefinite amount of time.

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