Discussion about relationships

[Lugez]

This could fit in the Philosophy forum too, but I thought I'd post here so we can talk about something other than someone's specific relationship.

I was talking with my uncle a few days ago and somehow the topic of dating came up (we talk about random philosophical stuff). He said that through his experience, he learned a couple pre-dating truths and said they helped him be much more successful. Of course, I had to ask what they were. I thought they were interesting. Or maybe my lack of experience thinks it was. Anyway, in basic terms (after I picked the ideas a bit), he said:

1. If you like someone, it's extremely likely that he/she likes you back. By like, I don't mean "he's cute." Physical attraction doesn't always go both ways. I mean when two people connect personality-wise, that chemistry is usually felt by both parties, even if they both don't acknowledge it right away.

2. If a girl is eyeing a guy in public, all the guy has to do is walk up to her and say "Hi." She'll do the majority of the work afterwards, usually very subtly and the guy will have no clue. She will do the work in between, but the guy will still be expected to push the relationship forward (ask her number, ask her out, etc.).

It went a little further than this, but I'm not here to write an essay. What are your thoughts? Agree, disagree?

[Aletheia*]

Completely agreed. Especially with the 2nd one. As a female, I am drawn to the attention that I get from guys when I go out. I can eye a guy across a bar, make eye contact and he comes over to chat with me for a while (Using this as a scenerio from before I met my boyfriend of two years). But, I however, do not pursue asking him out or getting his phone number (although, I did this with my current boyfriend. I didn't think a relationship would come out of it). Women want their men to be the pursuer. It all comes down to chivalry, and what we see in the movies. At least, this is my own personal opinoin. I also agree with the first one as well. Chemistry can be made later, but a physical attraction can be too. Not all relationship's are based on a physical attraction to a person. Although, sometimes, it does help.

[Gaia]

I agree with both, but only to a certain extent. From my own personal experiences I've found that a fair few guys like me, and I would never even think of them in that light. So, yes they feel a connection with me, but I don't with them except friendship. Unless you were including friendship as a relationship, in which case I totally agree.
As for the second point about subtly, I may make all the work unconsciously, but if I know I like the guy, I won't be coy about it. I met my last boyfriend [again] in a club, he was an old friend, and I knew I liked him, so I wrote my number on his arm in chalk pen. I don't play games, don't see the point, if I like someone, and want something to happen, I let them know. So, for me, the second point only works when I don't know if I like the person I guess?
I do agree with your points though, as I have seen them in practise, but like almost any relationship 'truth' it is only true for certain people.

[Acheron]

Originally Posted by Lugez

1. If you like someone, it's extremely likely that he/she likes you back. By like, I don't mean "he's cute." Physical attraction doesn't always go both ways. I mean when two people connect personality-wise, that chemistry is usually felt by both parties, even if they both don't acknowledge it right away.

Disagree. Many people are starved of affection to the extent that they'll feel "chemistry" with any cute member of the opposite sex who pays them any attention.

2. If a girl is eyeing a guy in public, all the guy has to do is walk up to her and say "Hi." She'll do the majority of the work afterwards, usually very subtly and the guy will have no clue. She will do the work in between, but the guy will still be expected to push the relationship forward (ask her number, ask her out, etc.).

Definitely disagree. While it's mostly subconscious, girls test guys mercilessly. While you're right that most guys will have no clue, that's because most guys are clueless. She isn't trying to move the relationship forward, she's putting up barriers, and it's up to the guy to disarm those either by luck or design if he wants to get anywhere. You're right that the guy will be expected to push the relationship forward, though, although there are some cool girls who'll take up a share of that.

[PlayingPretend]

I agree almost entirely with Lou.

It's entirely possible for me to feel the attraction from somebody without feeling it with that person. Yes, chemistry is recogniseable, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be romantically attracted. For example, I may find someone I can laugh with and have an exceptional time with, but that's not going to matter if they can't mentally stimulate/challenge me, same as I may find someone who can stimulate me mentally, but it's not going to matter if our senses of humour don't mesh. And regardless of even if we did get along by most means, it still doesn't mean I'm going to want more than a friendship with that person, my opinion stemming from the fact I was asked out numerous times in high school, but though I felt their attraction and though they may have felt the chemistry, I wasn't attracted and I didn't feel it, so it went nowhere.

And I'm also with Lou with the second point. I know a lot of women tend to like to be pursued, but I'm still undecided as to whether I feel that's more a trait of the sexes or a characteristic of the sort of environment you're raised in. Sure, we've taken leaps and bounds since, say, the 1950s, but men are still expected to do most of the work in the relationship. They're expected to make the first move, and not only from the very beginnings of the relationship! And I suppose that many women are more satisfied with this set-up than I am. But personally, I don't see the point in, as Lou said it, game playing, and I haven't ever needed to. I have been asked out numerous times, told people have feelings for me, etc., yet I tend not to return them, so when I find someone I'm interested in, I'm more inclined to go after it and make a move and go from there. Sure, I flirt; flirting is fun. But I'm also very direct.

So neither of those two really apply to me, nor have they ever, but I'm sure they are true for some women same as they're untrue for others. Seems to be that way with anything. And my opinion is that even if it's "worked every time," for example, for your uncle, it could simply be the women he's attracting and is attracted to. We all tend to have a "type," and unless we change that type, there tends to emerge a pattern as far as what works and what does not. For example, a girl who's into the stereotypical tough guy is going to take different approaches than a girl who's into the stereotypical romantic, and the same goes for guys with girls. And it doesn't even need to be that the differences are subtle; he could date two girls at opposite ends of a very obvious spectrum and still be attracting the same type. So honestly, I feel it's more dependent on type and then on individuals than it is based on sex and/or gender.