Low Self-Esteem Affecting Relationships

[QuantumModulus]

Hey everyone...(sorry, this is somewhat long)...I've asked questions like this before here, but the circumstances are somewhat different, leading me to seek more appropriate advice.

About halfway through my last relationship, I was stricken with intense bouts of extremely low self-esteem, and uncontrollable self-defeating thoughts. I constantly thought that she was comparing me to other men she found attractive, constantly finding them more attractive but "settling" for me in the end. It was all purely speculative, but when she gave me a valid reason to doubt if she loved me as she says she did, I took the opportunity to vent and now we're no longer together.

It's been about a month since I broke up with her, and I've since moved on...however, after being with her for nearly 10 months without a break, I felt lost without someone to fall back on; someone to whom I could open up to at the end of the day -- someone who I could make happy. But, I decided not to jump into any relationships -- rebounds never turn out well.

So, to not feel completely isolated, but not to drown myself into the sorrow of another failed relationship, I just decided to try to combat my low self-esteem by projecting an extremely healthy one, complete with confidence, posture, etc...I've read from a few sources that if you act confident, confidence will become a part of you after a while. I was speculative, but gave it a try anyway...and I can conclusively say that for me, it doesn't work. Every time a girl shows strong interest in me now, I immediately jump to the conclusion that if she were to be with me, she would realize that there are so many more attractive men than me out there, and I back away. It's extremely depressing -- I hate having feelings that directly contradict observation, but those that I can't control.

So, this is ultimately a question of how I can improve my self-esteem, but moreso how to not let myself constantly think the same thought: "She could do so much better; she's probably thinking about that other guy right now. I can never be what she fantasizes about, while he can..."

Does anyone else feel like all of the other techniques for improving self esteem -- distraction, positive affirmations, complimenting others, etc. -- simply don't work for you? And how did you circumvent that problem?

[MattiLikesToHelp]

Your going at this all wrong my friend. People dont date becuase they look good or becuase someone looks so damn hot. thats called infatuation or even lust. when you date someone for the good looks then your not in a relationship for the right reasons. The way i look at it is. That the persons personality is the inner true beauty and their good looks are just a bonus. Me and my girlfriend are not the sexiest couple out there but our souls and smiles and chats and thoughts and ambitions are beautful and just as wonderful anyone eles.

My girlfriend has many many many boys chasing after her at the moment. about 4 to be precise. Am i worried about it? yeah i am a little. But what exactly am i worried about??
Would i be worried if she told me that one of those boys is supppper sexy?? nope i would not becuase i know that "sexyness" has no place in a relationship. you could have a happy relationship with out "sex". Having passion and a little bit of loving in a relationship s a wonderful thing but good looks or eye candy never goes far unless its backed with strong mind and spirit. And these guys would hit on her all the time. "hey want to go out tonight to dance"? " i cant wait to see you when i get back form schoool" Hey want to come to califnornia with me? THESE MEN haggle and hammer at my girlfriends mind. they text her constantlyy over the phone and i have no idea what they are saying. Does it worry me? yes a bit but i know that she loves me atm and she wouldnt give me up for some random dudes. its all about trust. ALSO i ahve trusted her and she broke my trust but its all about weither the person you are with is worth the sacrifice to trust them again.

Somtimes in relationships you dont get to feel the way you want. But this is definatly a good learning experience. Youd kinda remind me of myself when i was a bit younger.


As for building selfesteem i found that working out made a huge difference for me. When i started working out not only did i see a newer good looking body that i wasnt shy of but i felt stronger mental and pyhscially. I walked into rooms with hair out of my face and a smile that would bounce off the back wall. i sounded allot like you before i started working out. when i started working out my posture got alot better than what it was. and i just feel impowered now. Im not working out to get "good looking" becuause my goal is to just feel stronger and more confident.

People date eachother becuase at this moment in time there is no one else they would rather be with. They find the person they are with attractive inside and out. There are many wallls that are put up at the begining of relationships but they soon start too crumble and that becomes a beautful thing you start to see the true beauty of the person your with. you see eye to eye. its such a great feeling.

Me and my girl are currenelty on a break but weve been together for 4 years. and we kind of started dating through what seemed like a rebound.

[Twisted]

I know how you feel. I have Low self esteem and I constantly upset myself and my boyfriend with thoughts of inadiquacy. Always feeling like he can do so much better than me, always questioning what he sees in me, just silly things like that which drive me into the ground some days.

He's given me no reason to feel like this and I know deep down that he wants me and only me. I'm learning to accept that someone actually wants me, its unbelievably hard but one day I'll get there. I can't really offer you any advice since I'm kinda looking for confidence techniques also but hopefully you can take comfort knowing that you're not the only one who feels like this.

[QuantumModulus]

Originally Posted by Twisted

I know how you feel. I have Low self esteem and I constantly upset myself and my boyfriend with thoughts of inadiquacy. Always feeling like he can do so much better than me, always questioning what he sees in me, just silly things like that which drive me into the ground some days.

He's given me no reason to feel like this and I know deep down that he wants me and only me. I'm learning to accept that someone actually wants me, its unbelievably hard but one day I'll get there. I can't really offer you any advice since I'm kinda looking for confidence techniques also but hopefully you can take comfort knowing that you're not the only one who feels like this.

I completely understand what you mean. It does help a little bit to know that I'm not completely alone in feeling this self-critical. Thanks.

[PSY]

I just wanted to add that it DOES take time to build up one's self-esteem. I know you said you already had low self-esteem prior to the end of your relationship... but it's only been one month since you've broken up with her. You need to give yourself more than a month to improve your self-esteem. It's not going to happen overnight, and no matter how many new techniques you adopt (ex. better posture, "acting" more confident), it's ultimately going to come down to experiences. The more positive experiences you have, the more confident you will feel. Those experiences may not come all at once or in a very short amount of time.

[niente_]

i have low self esteem too, and with all my boyfriends i've had a least one girl in mind who i think they're secretly after, but that they settled on me because they can't get them instead. It haunts me, and I can't really offer any advice because I don't know myself ... but I know how you feel. i suppose we have to just trust our boy/girl friends to mean it when they say they're not interested in them.

[QuantumModulus]

Originally Posted by PSY

I just wanted to add that it DOES take time to build up one's self-esteem. I know you said you already had low self-esteem prior to the end of your relationship... but it's only been one month since you've broken up with her. You need to give yourself more than a month to improve your self-esteem. It's not going to happen overnight, and no matter how many new techniques you adopt (ex. better posture, "acting" more confident), it's ultimately going to come down to experiences. The more positive experiences you have, the more confident you will feel. Those experiences may not come all at once or in a very short amount of time.

I completely understand what you mean, and I agree 100%. It hasn't been very long since the break up for me to really improve my self esteem on a substantial level, but I've merely been trying what some people have suggested -- which is to exude confidence, thus leading to the acquirement confidence. I know now that it doesn't really work for me, and that yes, high self esteem comes from positive experiences. However, even if I had a healthy self esteem would it remove my fear of not being the most attractive/appealing person to the one I'm dating? I think it might lessen the negative feelings, but I don't think that they'd disappear indefinitely. Thanks for your comment though.

Originally Posted by niente_

i have low self esteem too, and with all my boyfriends i've had a least one girl in mind who i think they're secretly after, but that they settled on me because they can't get them instead.... i suppose we have to just trust our boy/girl friends to mean it when they say they're not interested in them.

Thanks for your reply! I sympathize completely. However, my concern is slightly different...I worry that a future partner would find me inadequate in some area, and think of someone better she's had in the past, but not say anything... :/

[PSY]

Originally Posted by QuantumModulus

I completely understand what you mean, and I agree 100%. It hasn't been very long since the break up for me to really improve my self esteem on a substantial level, but I've merely been trying what some people have suggested -- which is to exude confidence, thus leading to the acquirement confidence. I know now that it doesn't really work for me, and that yes, high self esteem comes from positive experiences. However, even if I had a healthy self esteem would it remove my fear of not being the most attractive/appealing person to the one I'm dating? I think it might lessen the negative feelings, but I don't think that they'd disappear indefinitely. Thanks for your comment though.

No, the doubts/fears never completely go away. That's a human trait, and we ALL have our particular doubts/fears, whether it be in regards to relationships or appearances, careers or religious beliefs. We all struggle to overcome those negative feelings, and confidence in ourselves and others only minimizes the effects those negative feelings have on us. You learn to push them aside more often than not, and that's how you become happy with whatever it is that you have.

[QuantumModulus]

Originally Posted by PSY

No, the doubts/fears never completely go away. That's a human trait, and we ALL have our particular doubts/fears, whether it be in regards to relationships or appearances, careers or religious beliefs. We all struggle to overcome those negative feelings, and confidence in ourselves and others only minimizes the effects those negative feelings have on us. You learn to push them aside more often than not, and that's how you become happy with whatever it is that you have.

Alright...then how do I push aside the feeling of being compared to someone else, and failing? If you've got any sentiments on that..

[PSY]

Originally Posted by QuantumModulus

Alright...then how do I push aside the feeling of being compared to someone else, and failing? If you've got any sentiments on that..

Now that I can't help you with, because we all reason through our doubts/fears in different ways and at different rates. Based on what I've read, you seem to realize that your concerns aren't entirely logical; however, no matter what other members say, you always come back to what you believe is true. At some point, you have to teach yourself to reason in a different way. That's what cognitive therapy does for people: it exposes the flaws in their reasoning, then shows them how to explore alternative theories and eventually accept a new belief.

We can give you advice and opinions, but at the end of the day, you have to be the one to investigate why you're thinking in the way that you are, and why it is interfering with potential relationships. Once you come up with new ways of thinking about the problem, you will find it's easier to push aside those doubts/fears. It won't happen overnight, but if you stick with it, you CAN change the way you think about your doubts/fears.

[QuantumModulus]

Originally Posted by PSY

Now that I can't help you with, because we all reason through our doubts/fears in different ways and at different rates. Based on what I've read, you seem to realize that your concerns aren't entirely logical; however, no matter what other members say, you always come back to what you believe is true. At some point, you have to teach yourself to reason in a different way. That's what cognitive therapy does for people: it exposes the flaws in their reasoning, then shows them how to explore alternative theories and eventually accept a new belief.

We can give you advice and opinions, but at the end of the day, you have to be the one to investigate why you're thinking in the way that you are, and why it is interfering with potential relationships. Once you come up with new ways of thinking about the problem, you will find it's easier to push aside those doubts/fears. It won't happen overnight, but if you stick with it, you CAN change the way you think about your doubts/fears.

I realize that it's not healthy for me to keep this state of mind, because it will lead to unhealthy relationships in the future, but I don't see how it is illogical. Is it illogical of me to worry about whether or not my partner is comparing something I have to something her past partners have had? I think it's completely understandable, from an objective point of view -- most people I know would hope (reasonably or not) to be the best possible person for their partner, in every way if possible. It doesn't take a stretch of the imagination to see why someone would be depressed about his/her partner thinking about something an ex had. I don't have the resources for cognitive therapy; please, if possible, enlighten me as to the flaw in my reasoning. (I'm sorry if I sound blunt here, but I honestly don't think it's an irrational worry.)

[PSY]

Originally Posted by QuantumModulus

I realize that it's not healthy for me to keep this state of mind, because it will lead to unhealthy relationships in the future, but I don't see how it is illogical. Is it illogical of me to worry about whether or not my partner is comparing something I have to something her past partners have had? I think it's completely understandable, from an objective point of view -- most people I know would hope (reasonably or not) to be the best possible person for their partner, in every way if possible. It doesn't take a stretch of the imagination to see why someone would be depressed about his/her partner thinking about something an ex had. I don't have the resources for cognitive therapy; please, if possible, enlighten me as to the flaw in my reasoning. (I'm sorry if I sound blunt here, but I honestly don't think it's an irrational worry.)

It is illogical to worry EXCESSIVELY, to the point of it interfering with your relationships. Your concern isn't uncommon. There's a reason why we don't like to hear about our partners' ex-boyfriends/girlfriends... it DOES bring up doubts/fears. We find ways to think about the problem in a different way, though, which allows us to find an adequate solution.

You don't need cognitive therapy to work through this issue (at least, most people don't). Think about your problem in this way:

What is the thought?

Why does this thought bother you?

How does this thought interfere with your relationships?

What are some other ways to think about the problem?

Why might these thoughts be better than your original thought?

How can these thoughts allow you to improve upon your relationships?

The hardest part is to accept those new thoughts, then continuously dwell upon those new thoughts, thus pushing out the old, unhealthy thoughts with time (hence why it is helpful to have a psychological professional who can constantly pose questions and direct you toward thinking about the problem in different ways). Many people have to write everything down on a daily basis, to reassure themselves and continue to make progress. If you'd like to read more about the dynamics behind cognitive therapy (which we often do for ourselves without even realizing it!), feel free to read a brief summary on Wikipedia. =)