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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Tigerrr Offline
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Exclamation Need advise and support with my relationship. Please take the time to help? - May 31st 2011, 02:06 PM

I posted about this almost a week ago, but didnít get many responses as it was sooooo long. I think i was mostly ranting and just needed to get it out, i had no idea how long it was until i had posted it.
Anyways, just wanted to see if i could get any more advise and maybe hear other peoples experiences. It would really help. So here is the shortened version:

So me and my boyfriend had a really good relationship, he used to be a bit of a slag before me but he really liked me so we were going well. We were both really happy. When we had been going out about 2 months he invited me to his friends birthday which was at a very small club she had rented out. He started the night all sweet but then started ignoring me as he got more drunk and didnt talk to me for almost the whole night. The next day he told me he cheated on me with two girls, (just made out with them, but it was still so hurtful because i was there). We broke up for a bit but got back together, i was more hurt then i have been in my life but i still had strong feelings for him so wanted to give him another chance, as he wanted to get back together so badly.
We've been together for over 4 months now and im still getting over it, i want to know if there is anything i can do to help me get over it quicker?

And also, he is still good friends with the birthday girl (one of the girls he cheated with), and it hurts me so much, as she posted on someone elses wall the day after it happened, slyly taking the piss out of me and saying it was funny. I heard she liked him at the time and i know they flirt alot (i donít know if they still do but probably). I also know he finds her attractive (but has told be multiple times that he finds me alot more attractive, and doesnít know why he would do that). I HATE her, i want to ask him if he will stop talking to her completely since he is finished with college now and doesnt have to see her every day. Seeing posts from her on his wall bring back all the hurt. Do i have a right to ask him to do that? I know it meant nothing to him but i cant get over it with him with the reminder of him still being friends with her.

I am trying my hardest to make us work and so is he. I now do not randomly break down when im with him, i concentrate on the present, and he is so sweet and nice with me. We are really good together and i am now really happy when im with him. But its when im on my own that it gets me, i still cant believe he could do that. I WAS THERE. And he chose them over me. He says he doesnít know why he did it or what was going through his head, he said he just forgot me. And that he is so sorry. Hes cut down with drinking because i asked him to but i still dont know if i can trust him, as before it happened we were going so well and i know he really cared for me but he still managed to do it. I want to trust him but if he could do that once (and hes cheated on previous partners) he could do it again couldnt he? I know he cares for me alot more now, we are so perfect together, and he really does feel so bad and guilty, and when he almost lost me it upset him ALOT, and it made him realise quite how strong his feelings are for me.

But what do i do about everything? I think i need some help and support, i feel like im boring my friends with it. And also, what are your experiences with cheating? Did you manage to stay with them? I just feel so alone right now.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Need advise and support with my relationship. Please take the time to help? - May 31st 2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerrr View Post
I posted about this almost a week ago, but didnít get many responses as it was sooooo long. I think i was mostly ranting and just needed to get it out, i had no idea how long it was until i had posted it.
Anyways, just wanted to see if i could get any more advise and maybe hear other peoples experiences. It would really help. So here is the shortened version:

So me and my boyfriend had a really good relationship, he used to be a bit of a slag before me but he really liked me so we were going well. We were both really happy. When we had been going out about 2 months he invited me to his friends birthday which was at a very small club she had rented out. He started the night all sweet but then started ignoring me as he got more drunk and didnt talk to me for almost the whole night. The next day he told me he cheated on me with two girls, (just made out with them, but it was still so hurtful because i was there). We broke up for a bit but got back together, i was more hurt then i have been in my life but i still had strong feelings for him so wanted to give him another chance, as he wanted to get back together so badly.
We've been together for over 4 months now and im still getting over it, i want to know if there is anything i can do to help me get over it quicker?

And also, he is still good friends with the birthday girl (one of the girls he cheated with), and it hurts me so much, as she posted on someone elses wall the day after it happened, slyly taking the piss out of me and saying it was funny. I heard she liked him at the time and i know they flirt alot (i donít know if they still do but probably). I also know he finds her attractive (but has told be multiple times that he finds me alot more attractive, and doesnít know why he would do that). I HATE her, i want to ask him if he will stop talking to her completely since he is finished with college now and doesnt have to see her every day. Seeing posts from her on his wall bring back all the hurt. Do i have a right to ask him to do that? I know it meant nothing to him but i cant get over it with him with the reminder of him still being friends with her.

I am trying my hardest to make us work and so is he. I now do not randomly break down when im with him, i concentrate on the present, and he is so sweet and nice with me. We are really good together and i am now really happy when im with him. But its when im on my own that it gets me, i still cant believe he could do that. I WAS THERE. And he chose them over me. He says he doesnít know why he did it or what was going through his head, he said he just forgot me. And that he is so sorry. Hes cut down with drinking because i asked him to but i still dont know if i can trust him, as before it happened we were going so well and i know he really cared for me but he still managed to do it. I want to trust him but if he could do that once (and hes cheated on previous partners) he could do it again couldnt he? I know he cares for me alot more now, we are so perfect together, and he really does feel so bad and guilty, and when he almost lost me it upset him ALOT, and it made him realise quite how strong his feelings are for me.

But what do i do about everything? I think i need some help and support, i feel like im boring my friends with it. And also, what are your experiences with cheating? Did you manage to stay with them? I just feel so alone right now.
I would never be able to get over that, and I definitely wouldn't have stayed with the guy. To me, cheating is not ok, and not excusable in the least.

But you could always try counseling - it's meant to help you learn how to deal with your emotions.
   
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Re: Need advise and support with my relationship. Please take the time to help? - May 31st 2011, 04:08 PM

I know it isnt, thats why its been so hard. I feel really stupid sometimes for taking him back, but then i see all the effort he is putting in.

And yeah i guess i could, but im not sure how much that would help :/
   
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Re: Need advise and support with my relationship. Please take the time to help? - May 31st 2011, 05:16 PM

I agree with Myss.. I cannot stand cheaters and he would've been gone a long time ago.

He probably is putting in effort but he shouldn't have to be picking up the pieces because he shouldn't have done that at all.
   
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Re: Need advise and support with my relationship. Please take the time to help? - May 31st 2011, 05:20 PM

Heya!

Cheating is definitely inexcusable. The best advice that I can give you is to either forget everything that happened, go on with life and your relationship not thinking about it. Or leave him! If he has cheated before, so who is to say he won't again, or hasn't since then? I somewhat believe the quote 'once a cheater, always a cheater', only to a certain extent though.
You need to think about what you want, what makes you happy. If you can't seem to get over the entire thing, then maybe being in a relationship with this guy isn't the best idea.











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Re: Need advise and support with my relationship. Please take the time to help? - May 31st 2011, 07:30 PM

Just because he's putting in the effort now doesn't mean you have to give him a second chance. He shouldn't have ever put you in this position to begin with! Ultimately, you have to excuse the cheating behavior if you want to forgive him... and since you believe it is inexcusable, I don't see how you'll ever be able to entirely forgive him and repair this relationship. Some people can adopt the mentality of "everyone makes mistakes". Most people can't.






   
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Re: Need advise and support with my relationship. Please take the time to help? - June 1st 2011, 12:44 AM

You poor girl.. I would be soooo hurt if that happened to me too and I completely understand why this must still effect you so much. Sometimes time doesn't heal wound as quickly as it should. Sometimes it never does...

This will be an INCREDIBLY long reply, I can already tell... but I hope maybe I can help a little bit at least...

My father cheated on my mother 15 years ago and I know that though they are still together, it still hurts her to this day.

It seems like you two are so good together, but if it is financially possible I would highly recomment couple therapy. If you truly love him and you think that you guys have a chance of staying together for the rest of your life then it might be worth the investment.

Also, I think maybe you should ask some things from him. You asked if you have the right to tell him he needs to stop talking to him, and I believe you definitely do have that right. It does not mean he will agree to it (especially if they are close friends), but if your relationship becomes unbearable due to the pain he's caused from that night then I would make three demands of him (you can also add to the list but these are ones I would definitely make).

1. He can no longer speak to EITHER of the girls he cheated on you with...
2. He must not drink more than x number of drinks, ever... (you can decide the number based on what you are comfortable with and how much you think he can drink without his judgment becoming exceptionally impaired).
3. He must attend at least x number of couples therapy sessions with you... (he might not want to "waste" money on this, but if you are still emotionally hurt after 4 months your relationship cannot improve until you resolve these issues. It could be exceptionally beneficial to both of you and if it hlps your relationship last it wil be worth it. If your relationship begins to improve after the specified number of sessions you can continue the therapy until the issues are fully resolved).

If he does not agree to any one of these three demands you should warn him that you will leave. That he must choose... if he still refuses I think you should leave him. You don't deserve to be treated like this and no girl (especially you, who seems so loving and forgiving) should EVER be treated the way he treated you. It doesn't matter if it was just one night, it still hurts you to this day. He is a lucky man to have such a forgiving, wonderful girl in his life...but when do you think of yourself?

You deserve better. You deserve to not have to compare yourself to anyone else EVER. You deserve to be able to love him freely and not wonder if he will return the love you give him, and you shouldn't have to ever worry abou him giving that love to anyone else. You need someone you can be with and KNOW that you are always his number one choice. Someone who makes it known to everyone around that you are the one he loves and that no one will ever live up to you. Basically, you deserve better. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you don't deserve the very best. You do.

From what you've said he seems like he is trying to improve himself though, and it truly does sound like he loves you. In reality though, you are still hurt. The relationship could last forever, or it could end tomorrow at this point. I truly wish you the best of happiness and hope that your relationship lives long into your old years, but if it doesn't you have to realize that you do deserve the best. Just because one man cheats on you doesn't mean you don't compare to those other girls. It doesn't at all reflect on you, it reflects on HIM. Whether you find true love in this man or in another man, remember... it's not your fault. What happened that night had nothing to do with you. He was just a horny drunk guy who had two girls thrown at him. Your heart was just caught in the crossfire...

So sorry hun, you are worthy of his affection and deserve to be loved with ALL of his heart, ALL of time. Not only on certain occasions. Stay strong... whatever decision you make is the right one. Sometimes in life you come to a complete fork in the road... you have two paths you can take. The decision is yours. Keep hope alive, things will get brighter and your heart will heal... <3


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