My girlfriend won't talk to me...

[starship ranger]

I don't excessively text her or message her on Facebook a lot because I know it would bother her, but we used to talk every day and she barely even responds to ONE message anymore. Most of the talking I've done with her lately is while roleplaying and it irritates me a bit that she won't speak to me out of character. I know it could have something to do with a friend of hers or maybe her family, but she won't open up to me about it, and she worries me when she gets like this because it's usually when she hurts herself and has started to get depressed again... I feel like a bad girlfriend for not trying harder but I don't know if I can try any harder.

[Ambiance]

You've got to let her talk to you when she's ready, however, it probably wouldn't hurt if you messaged her saying directly what you feel is going on and why you're concerned. Do this in a caring manner, and express that you're not mad, but you are concerned and would appreciate her responses in the communication between you two.

[starship ranger]

Originally Posted by iLikeToMoveIt

You've got to let her talk to you when she's ready, however, it probably wouldn't hurt if you messaged her saying directly what you feel is going on and why you're concerned. Do this in a caring manner, and express that you're not mad, but you are concerned and would appreciate her responses in the communication between you two.

The thing is, I have done this. I'm patient with her every time she gets like this because I never know exactly what's going on. I try to be kind and patient with her when asking what's wrong, even if it takes a while to get her to open up. It just infuriates me sometimes, because she ends up blaming me and/or one/some of our other friends in the end for not trying hard enough. I've even told her how I feel like it's my fault a lot of the time when she shuts down and that I feel like a bad friend and girlfriend, but she simply shrugs everything off and moves on with it. It hurts that she refuses to communicate with me and then says I'm to blame for things, although she refused to speak to me, especially when what was wrong had nothing to do with me. I may be a bit selfish about it at times, but I feel like she can be a lot more selfish than me about it... she doesn't even seem to care that I've cried over her SH and almost literally begged her to let me help her stop or try to find something else to do besides that.

[Ambiance]

There's a lot going on in the mind of a self-harmer, often, and sometimes they are a little self-centered. It's not a conscious decision, but I'm not sure it's entirely unavoidable. It sounds like she wants to be the victim, even in situations where it's not fair to say that you or anyone else has victimized her. I'm not saying that this is her fault (it's not), I'm saying that, in all honesty, she needs help. A person hurting themself is a very serious matter, and anyone struggling with it deserves to have professional help in getting out of a bad place. No one who self-harms is in a good place when they do it.

And, as much as you don't want to do it, it might hurt less to be without her than with. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be there for her, but her situation won't improve unless she makes the decision herself to have healthier habits and not to blame people who are not to blame (you are not).

And, I mean, it sounds like you're doing everything you should be, and like you're being very considerate towards her.

[PSY]

Originally Posted by starship ranger

The thing is, I have done this. I'm patient with her every time she gets like this because I never know exactly what's going on. I try to be kind and patient with her when asking what's wrong, even if it takes a while to get her to open up. It just infuriates me sometimes, because she ends up blaming me and/or one/some of our other friends in the end for not trying hard enough. I've even told her how I feel like it's my fault a lot of the time when she shuts down and that I feel like a bad friend and girlfriend, but she simply shrugs everything off and moves on with it. It hurts that she refuses to communicate with me and then says I'm to blame for things, although she refused to speak to me, especially when what was wrong had nothing to do with me. I may be a bit selfish about it at times, but I feel like she can be a lot more selfish than me about it... she doesn't even seem to care that I've cried over her SH and almost literally begged her to let me help her stop or try to find something else to do besides that.

There's a difference between asking what's wrong vs. stating that you're ready whenever she's ready to talk. The first method can come across as invasive, and if you keep persuading her to talk about what's going on, she may very well lash out if she's not ready. Also, saying that you feel bad because you can't be a better girlfriend to her is likely to be counterproductive. Whether you mean to or not, you're just adding more stress to her already stressful life. So the next time you talk to her, make sure it's a clear, to-the-point statement. "I don't know what's going on, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm ready to talk whenever you are. If you need anything, let me know. Until then, I'm here for you." Then drop it. Don't ask any questions, don't tell her how her lack of communication is making you feel, etc. It's entirely up to her to open up at that point. If she lashes out at you later on because you "weren't there for her"... well, then I don't know what to tell you, other than it doesn't sound like you're in a very healthy relationship, and you may seriously want to consider removing yourself from the situation until your girlfriend can get the help she needs.

[affairsguaranteed]

Don't get depressed. Try to impress her by doing good things, and be more concern about her. Definitely, one fine day, she will respond to you.