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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy Help... - July 26th 2011, 02:27 PM

There are certain standards I have in a relationship. I will not stay if they start drug use, or if their relationship with their ex girlfriend is stressing me out waaay to much.
recently we had a fight about staying together or not staying because he was blaming too many of his problems on me and I was pissed at him about everything. So when I brought up breaking up he said "okay, I'll lead a emotionally heather life and not do any drugs, I also wont hangout with that one certain ex."

My boyfriend is an ex drug addict. And he relapsed twice, these happened a month apart and the last one happen month or two ago. He says "wow I really didn't like that. I wont do it again." That's great! but now he has decided he wants to try it just one time and that he will not ever do it again after that. So I said fine, you can. It really bothers me that just two weeks ago one of the promises he made to me when deciding not to break up is not doing drugs. So maybe he wont do it again. I'm scared he will.

Then, there is one of his ex girlfriends, his relationship with her stresses me out to the point where I cant really tolerate it. Thus I tell him, "you can hang out with her if you want but I wont be dating you if you do. " It can be argued that that is crossing the line and I often feel pretty guilty about it. Its not said in a manipulative or threatening way, just as"I cant deal with this, so I'm not going to be with you." his ex says terrible things about me all the time, plus she is still very into him and talks about it with him all the time. They love to wallow in their issues together and all they do is cuddle on the floor and watch movies while pretending that they are the only people who exist and ignoring the rest of the world. Often when they are seeing each other they are always on the phone and texting or freaking out because they are no talking to one another or making me wonder... am I really the girlfriend here? So I said, I'm not doing this anymore. and he decided he'd rather me with me. So he stopped hanging out with her. But now, just two weeks after he has made things better with me, he is trying to convince me to stay with him and be okay with him seeing her. And that was not the deal! Right after he makes it okay with me he goes right back on what he said.

Help. I'm afraid of him starting continual drug use, do you think its wrong that I ask him not to see her?


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Re: Help... - July 26th 2011, 02:41 PM

I don't think it's wrong, no. She hasn't been very nice to you, and hasn't exactly respected your relationship with this guy. She sounds like she's trying to come between you, and it sounds like your boyfriend is letting her. I'm not one to tell someone to give an ultimatum, which you've done already, but to be honest, it doesn't sound like he is taking that ultimatum very seriously. He is trying to play you, trying to see how far he can actually push you. He says he wouldn't do drugs (again) or talk to his ex, yet he wants to try it one more time and continue speaking to his ex. Pst.

I wouldn't even bother staying if I were you. If neither your boyfriend or his ex girlfriend can respect your wishes, then it's time to move on. Find a guy you don't have to give an ultimatum too. I mean, ex addicts can be hard to deal with, considering they can go back to it at anytime, but when they are trying to play you, it's not worth it.











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Re: Help... - July 26th 2011, 03:24 PM

Also there is a group of friends of his he hangs out with sometimes that likes to take off their clothing. And that bothers me to. Because he will trade clothes with this one girl and she wont wear a bra so you can kind of see whats underneath. Which has happened more then once. And they like to play stripping games in the car, but I dont want to let that bother me because I cant tell them to keep their clothes on and I cant tell him not to hang out with them. I really like that he hangs out with that friend group because they are pretty heathy and dont do drugs.


http://strigidaeofchrono.deviantart.com/
"Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation - although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome."

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

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Re: Help... - July 26th 2011, 10:15 PM

Why does he need to try drugs "one more time"? He already knows what it feels like... why does he need to experience it again? Personally, I think that's a HUGE red flag. He's not going to experience anything new during the supposedly "last time", so what's the point? He's trying to deny how dangerous the drugs are, how he could easily relapse yet again. He needs to pull his head out of the ground and deal with the situation for what it is: he's prone to relapsing, and ANY indulgences will put him at greater risk. There's no way to justify "one more time".

His relationship with his ex-girlfriend is entirely inappropriate. Touchy-feely stuff can fall into a gray area at times, but when the ex-girlfriend is blatantly disrespecting you, I believe it's time for your boyfriend to choose. How can he possibly love you if he's not willing to tell his ex-girlfriend off?

Maybe it's just me, but I don't have any friends who strip down to nothing and switch clothing just for the heck of it. Why would anyone do that on a regular basis, unless they were getting some kind of sexual gratification out of the experience? Sorry, but I think this is another red flag.

Honestly, I don't know why you're still with him. Maybe your standards need to be stricter, or you need to follow through with your standards and not let your feelings get in the way. This guy seems like he's more pain than he's worth.





   
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