Female Advice Preferred: old relationships

[Tj.B]

so i was dating this girl. we had been dating for about 2 months and one night we started kissing and it got really heated and we kept going further and further eventually having sex. about a minute into it she starts crying (not from pain) so i stop and asked her what was wrong. she told me that she had wanted to wait to have sex until she was married. (keep in mind this wasn't rape. she was willing) and so we got dressed and she kept crying, i held her and tried to comfort her but after a while she asked me to take her home and she hasn't talked to me since. 2 weeks ago(after not seeing her for 3 months) i was sitting down in a mall and i saw her reflection in a mirror. she didn't know i could see her and she started to walk towards me then she paused and looked like she was gonna cry then turned around and left. so my question is, should i try to get back in touch with her? her friend told me she hasn't even talked to another guy and she cries all the time. (her friend doesn't know what happened) even though its over i still care about her. and shes a very emotional girl. i dont want to get back together with her though but i do worry about her. and sadly i wouldn't rule out suicide with her. any advice?

[reaching]

I think giving her space would be a good idea. I don't think that you did anything wrong, but she regrets her decision. Seeing you just brings up all those feelings of guilt again. I know that you care for still, but you have to realize your presence won't make her feel better. If you really do think she is suicidal, you need to tell someone like a counsellor at school. There are adults who can deal with this situation much better than you could, despite your very best intentions (which I know you have)

Message me if you want to talk?.

[Aletheia*]

Since she had wanted to wait until marriage, she's feeling regrets about what happened. This is normal, and doesn't make her suicidal. It just makes her wish she could take back what happened.

Give her space. Over time, she'll learn to deal with what happened and she won't feel this way anymore.

[Composure]

Screw giving her space. She just wants to know you care, not that you're willing to let her think about it. She's probably crying because she regrets having sex with someone whom she didn't know cared. You've given her space, now talk to her. Let her know that you care, and not that you did it because you just wanted to have sex with someone.

If you let her know you care how she feels and that you didn't do it just because you wanted to have sex with her, she'll be less likely to regret her decision. Three months and two weeks is enough time. Don't let her approach you, because it'll seem bad. Just show that, even though it is over, you're not a douchebag of any sort.

[Nightmare]

I agree with Composure. Avoiding her, or letting her avoid you, seems like a terrible idea - it may be that she doesn't feel like you care, but even then, you're the only one who knows what happened, and the only one who can really be there for her right now. So go after her, don't wait any longer, let her know you're there for her.

[Leah.sings24]

I think giving her space is a great idea. Don't avoid her completely... But I probably wouldn't confront her about it. It sounds like she's pretty upset. Do you know if maybe she was sexually abused as a kid? I'm no expert or anything it just popped into my head while i was reading this. I agree with Reaching. She regrets the desicion and is probably just really guilty about it. Give her some time and then maybe call her. See if she wants to talk about what happened.

[Composure]

Don't you guys think 3 months and 2 weeks is enough space? If she hasn't thought about it to herself in 3 months, she probably won't ever get over it on her own.

[Acheron]

Originally Posted by Composure

Don't you guys think 3 months and 2 weeks is enough space? If she hasn't thought about it to herself in 3 months, she probably won't ever get over it on her own.

This. At the moment, she's just taking all this "space" as evidence that you were just using her. Try and get in contact again, because you really don't have much to lose.

[dr2005]

I'm with Composure and Acheron on this one (and Nightmare as well come to think of it!) - simply avoiding her will not make the situation any better if she's still like this after 3 months. There is probably a lot of regret in her reaction, but also the feeling of being used as Acheron says, and the fact that you're asking for advice in the first place shows that you care which is most important. I would add two things though. Firstly, I would say tread very carefully as to how you go about it - as the old saying goes, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions and being too forward about it may only make things worse. If you know her friend particularly well perhaps ask for their help in working out the best way. Secondly, bearing in mind what you've mentioned here, don't go into this expecting it's going to be an easy ride even if you do show you care and support her. I'm not saying you are, I hasten to add, but it's best to be prepared for the fact that this may be one of those issues that causes pain for a while. What you can do, however, is try to lessen that pain by being there for her and that in itself is an improvement.

Hope some of that helps and take care.

[Silver Starlight]

Contact her or talk to her if you see her around again. I don't think she might take it as far as killing herself though.

[Jaguar]

Buy her the nicest care you can afford and write in it what you feel. That now you understand it was a moment she wasn't ready for, that you care about her and want only the best for her, and even if it never works out between you, you will always treasure having having known someone as wonderful as her.

[dancefever18]

Give her some space and when she is ready, she'll come to you. But I would tell her that you are here for her. And just leave it at that. Emotional girls usually need space but that doesn't always mean they're going to commit suicide. Just give it some time and I'm sure she'll come around.

[Concrete Angel]

Lots of conflict between giving her space and talking to her.

In all honesty, I think you should talk to her. Get in contact with her. If this happened to me (and I am kind of a little bit sex only after marriage types), however upset I was about what happened, I would want the guy to talk to me. Yes, your presence may trigger her, but only because she regrets what happened.
I think you should talk to her. Help her out of it. She can't expect to get better unless she lets go of her regrets, and only you can help make that happen.

[Madeleine.Claire]

I agree with most people up there that you should try and talk to her.

She is probably really ashamed of what she did, I doubt that she's mad at you, she probably does want to know how you feel about what happened. I would try to talk to her, just slowly at first. You know what it meant to her so if I were you I would write her a letter (an actual letter, yes) and tell her how you feel about it. Maybe tell her how much she meant to you when that happened and how you're sorry that she regrets it.

It would most likely mean a lot to her if you told her how you feel.

Good luck! <3

[savealife723]

Wow, it seems like this is prettly evenly split on what you should do.

Me, personally? I think that you should try to contact her and talk to her. You've waited three months and two weeks. That's a lot of space, and seeing as how she did have sex with you, you must know that you meant a lot to her. It's not easy to let go of someone who means so much. And if she started walking towards you in the mall, that probably means that she wanted to see you, and she walked away for maybe fear that you didn't really want to see her and she didn't want to make it harder on herself. That's what I would do at least. If she didn't want to see you at all, and didn't care, she wouldn't have walked towards you. She would have left immediately.

Try talking to her and telling her that you care about her. Let her know that you're always going to be there for her, and I'm sure she'll really appreciate it if she's still going through a hard time.