Words of wisdom anyone?

[awestruck]

Girls can be sooo cruel


Basically, im 18 years old. Still young but ive been in a relationship for 2.5 years (little over that) with a girl named Jess who i met through school. We hitted it off around the time of our year 11 'start of the year' school camp and were absolutely head over heels for each other. Teenage love its called I guess... She was my first girlfriend, and I was her third boyfriend.

The shortened story is after 2.5 years of a relationship I treated her the best I could. I really did lover her and still do to some degree. I even took her overseas. She has never been out of the country and I took her with my family, family friends to go to New Zealand (where my family is from) to visit my family and sight see. Shortly after getting back she asks for a break from our relationship, the following day she posts on face book that she is single yet for the next two weeks is animate to me that it’s a break even though she has changed her relationship status which everyone can see and is commenting on to single which to me, says that she is no longer in a relationship and therefore single…

I even said this to her which was a bit snide. ‘Just a note for your next boyfriend, dont tell him you want a break then tell everyone VIA facebook that your no longer in a relationship. Nothing quite hurts as much. Both things have totally different meanings.’ And the reply to that was ‘dont tell me what to do!’ (all quoted directly from Facebook).

The way I was treated was horrible by her in the end. I tried soo hard to be calm and collective eventually snapping and verbally serving her after she managed to find the right buttons… (BTH, I really want to put up all the messages over face book on this forum for you all to read but there doesn't seem to be a spoiler i can use)


I was intimate with her, we never had sex as we had a strong ‘no sex’ rule but fooled around a fair bit. I just cant believe I was treated so poorly by someone I cared so much about for so long and who i got so personal with. Someone who I thought loved me equally. In a way I want her to read this and see how much she hurt me. She really did but im the type of guy who due to a rough time at primary school, ‘lowing the emotional walls’ is rather difficult in this mannor as i was forced to be solid as a wall.

As much as I think I still love her, I wouldn’t take her back. Im not sure if what I feel is love for her or if its just ‘the rebound’/shock of the ordeal but this has affected me so much these couple of months (since it happened in july this year). My uni regeem is falling so fast. Im depressed. Cant sleep right. Upset all the time yet angry at the same time when ever I think about it (I havn’t even scratched the surface of this ordeal through explaining it)… To make it worse! I have been given three different variations of why she needed this break/break up to finally get one that I thought sounded true. Turns out she didn’t mean what she said (that im too demanding and she doesn’t feel for me the same way now) and I know this as a mutual friend (her ex) knows the complete reason he says because she told him. He didn’t tell me this. He told my cousin who is also 18 and my cousin told me that he said this. He never did say the reason and he said it wasn’t his business but how can she not tell me but tell her ex? I don’t understand this… Can someone give me some advise to help get through this tough time? Its almost 2am, and I have to be up at 8am. If I don’t go now this will keep taking its toll on me. The more I think about this ordeal the more frustrated I get and the further down this spiral of despair I travel. I would really love to get some advice. What really kicks is im a decent guy. I might sound like a jerk when you read this but honestly im not. I have my moments but i am a genuinely good guy. This however isn't one of those moments cause i would love to show you guys a bigger portion of the picture VIA facebook to get a little revenge in exposing her for the person she is.

[justfallinginlove]

Hey there! First off, welcome to Teen Help! This place is a really warm environment and a safe place for you to talk about anything thats on your mind. I think you'll like it here!


So it sounds like this was a really messy breakup. All I can say is time, time will heal all wounds. And eventually you'll be able to look back at your relationship and smile at the good times you shared.

You also dont want to "get a little revenge in exposing her for the person she is" because that will only cause drama and from what I've read you certainly dont need anymore drama. Just let it go, I know it's hard but you just have to let it go.

As much as it may seem right now, she's not a horrible person. You did love her at some point and she did love you, so dont sour the memory of your first love. She just fell out of love and didn't handle it well.

I think it would be best if you ceased contact with her for now. Un-friend her on Facebook, delete her number from your from, un-friend her on IM etc., you get the point. And you need to delete the conversations between the two of you that you keep mentioning. I know that may be hard but its part of moving on.

I'm really glad you posted on here too, because talking really helps in the process of moving on and getting over somebody. PM me if u want to talk ever, I'm totally here to help!! <3

[Dr.Bobby]

There's a long answer here and a short answer, I'll give both.

The short answer is that if this is interferring with your Uni performance as well as your basic sense of well being (and your sleep!), then it's probably time to go to the Uni counselling center and start talking this out, there's a lot at stake.

The longer answer is that 2.5 yrs. when you're 18 is a long time, you're both different people, the maturational process that occurs during that time is really significant. So, although the feelings are there (and still strong), sadly the person has changed a lot. What you're going thru, in effect, is a grief process, not only for what is, but what you had back then. It really is very sweet and very special when it's 16.

There's a real injury there, take care of it as you would anything you could see! Be extra nice to yourself, but also remind yourself that you're 18 now, and have other responsibilities, and 'push' yourself to remain on task and goal directed. Flunking out of Uni won't change anything, and will make things worse. Give yourself a set time to grieve during the day, and then try to stop and move on to your other responsibilities. Try this, keep the grief limited, b/c failure would remove you from an environment that, with time, will provide you with the opportunity for other, even more satisfying relationships.

Go call the counselling center.

[awestruck]

Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby

Go call the counselling center.

Although its a good idea Bobby, im the stuborn, 'walls up' guy. I had a rather harsh first 8 years to my education where i was pretty well picked on day in and out. Tragic yes, but best and worst learning experience i could possibly obtain.

This period at primary school taught me, walls up and emotions sheilded = no pain. This lesson has been firmly re-established by the lovely mannor in which Jess this break up occured and the subsequent pain caused by the showing of my feelings.

At this point of time, i just cant simply walk up to a stranger and say "hey, ive been broken into shards, grab the super glue."

I have the attitude of, "I dont care what others think of me. All that matters is what i know i am" (Im a big karma guy). Thats why i can come onto teenhelp.org with my real name and talk to strangers who i dont know and im 99% sure dont know me about what is happening and lower these walls a degree. Doing that same thing in person isn't the same obviously. For starters. I can edit a post, but not something ive verbally said.

Originally Posted by justfallinginlove

You also dont want to "get a little revenge in exposing her for the person she is" because that will only cause drama and from what I've read you certainly dont need anymore drama. Just let it go, I know it's hard but you just have to let it go. [IMG]file:///Users/admin/Library/Caches/TemporaryItems/msoclip/0/clip_image002.gif[/IMG]

I like to think im mature which revenge doesn't reflect on and therefore im a little hypocryitical but even as much as i can fully see what your saying (and i told myself the exact same thing), I am a extremely strong beliver in karma... Therefore feel as if she should be made to feel miserable for making me feel miserible... Irony much?

I can get past this revenge concept. Its more just wanting to pass on what i feel to her... But what does my head in is that a small word, can spontaneously trigger this 'feed back loop' in my mind causing me to just think about the fustration she has caused. I was doing a major physcis write up and i wrote the word 'Trigger'. Somehow i associated it with her and got into a spirl that i had to stop my report writting... Never a positive thing when my mind is so easily swayed now like that.

PS: justfallinginlove, cant stop laughing at that emotion smiley thing. Great find

[justfallinginlove]

I completely get where your coming from. She made u feel terrible so its your duty to make her feel the same sort of concept. But if I remember correctly karma is when the universe comes around and bites u in the butt, not when a person does. Basically what I'm trying to get across is that if she deserves "punishment" for lack of a better term, let the world give it to her, dont do it yourself. Everyone always gets what they deserve in one way or another, I promise.

Glad I could make u laugh!

[Dr.Bobby]

Kalin, I understand what you're saying, but there are limits to what you can get online, you cannot expect to resolve these kinds of complicated life issues and your response to them here. And, what you're saying is that you're really not functioning too well IRL, the stakes here are high. So, although you might not like the thought (drats, that ego again!) of going into counseling, it's probably your best bet. Therapy cannot be possibly worse than flunking out of Uni.

That might sound blunt, but I'd encourage you to keep your eye on the ball here.

[awestruck]

Thanks for the words Bobby, i guess it is something that i do need to strongly consider.

[how.we.operate.]

Hey sorry that this happened to you.

I've been through something similar--my ex was...well a jerk to me where I was having a breakdown and broke up with him because there was way too much going on. He was a year younger, this was my first year in college, it was midterms week, I was working part-time...etc. He gave me a week to think things over. Before that week was up, he gained a rebound and refused to talk to me without getting pissed off at me. This went on for at least half a year before he decided he wanted to be friends again...and his rebound got the same treatment I did so I helped her pick her pieces up and put them together.

Anyways, my suggestion is find someone to talk to. I'm agreeing with what has been said-online has its limits (I've experienced this). Try finding a friend that can help you or I do agree with going to the counselor. It is hard to step up to get help, but sometimes that is just what you need...I got over all of what happened to me by talking to friends I made at college. Opening up to them was one of the best things because they became my true friends.
I know that when my ex and I would attempt to be "friends", it would tend to end in spats. My boyfriend witnessed all of this-he was one of the people I talked to during my breakup with my ex. He played a major role in helping me through things.

She said she doesn't want to be told what to do...I think you should basically just drop it. I feel like if you attempt to take your revenge...that she'll react badly as will others. This will then cause a pretty big and emotional uproar...which won't help at all.
Let her do what she wants, but in the end...you need to know that there are other girls. Let things happen, but don't let her tie you down and limit how you live. Get out there and have fun, stop allowing yourself to revolve around her. You need to heal, she needs to heal, let it happen. Just know that there is a life outside of this and once you get past things, you'll be really happy!

I hope this helps a little.