Nervousness/paranoia/tenseness taking over my life and relationship.

[VampirePrincess]

I get absolutely and insanely nervous to say or do things to my boyfriend.

I've always had a problem with being extremely tense. Everyone knows, things hurt more when you tense up, and even when I'm sleeping I'm incredibly tense, like if you move my arm up while I'm sleeping it'll just stay there, in the air, until you move it back down again. That's relaxed for me. But I've learned to live with this and accepted it.

Unfortunately, this increases quite a bit when I'm nervous. And I get super nervous when I'm around him. We're so in love, but I'm so nervous he'll break up with me, I can't let go of that fear no matter how hard I try.

Every touch hurts me. I can't move, I can hardly breathe, and I can't say a single word. He knows and understands these problems. We've discussed it before, through text message which is the only time I am courageous enough to mention it, and I know the worst of this will fade over time...but in my last relationship, which was over a year long, I still had enough of these issues hanging around to eventually force us to break up. I don't want that happening again.

I want to overcome this. I want to be able to relax enough so that everything he does doesn't freak me out or hurt me. I want to take our relationship further, something I know he desires but has not made an issue of because of how early it is in our relationship and because he thinks I don't want anything like that so soon. He's a very forward and open sort of person, always pushing me out of my comfort zone, not so much intentionally but because that's just who he is. He loves me the way I am, but I would love it if I could at least have what he considers to be a normal conversation without freaking out or ducking my head down off camera so he doesn't see me when I'm writing something to him. He's toned down a lot of the things he says because of me, and to tone things down anymore would bring us to the friend zone. We've agreed we do not want to be in the friend zone, so...I need to get over this.

I don't know how to. I try...I try really hard. But he always goes forward faster than me. Last time we were together, he kept taking my hand and moving it down...and I just played stupid and sort of shook him off. I know what he wanted. And it's not that I don't want to, but it scares me half to death, what if I'm doing something wrong, what if he doesn't like what I'm doing, he has tons more experience than I do (I have none x.x) and despite him knowing this I feel the need to be the best I can for him, and for myself because otherwise I feel inadequate and that will push me entirely into my shell. Or when we can't see each other for a bit I'll try talking to him online, I'll start to type something to him and erase it, I'm too scared, too nervous of what he'll think. If he says something, I'll sit there for hours thinking over what to write him back, like I know what I'm going to say but I just can't send it.

I told him about that once before, and all he said is that he doesn't want me having anxiety attacks over what I write him. Easier said than done. Since he didn't say anything helpful or encouraging, I haven't mentioned it again. I'm too worried I'll get another simple "don't be nervous."

Before you tell me to see a therapist, by the way (since I always get at least one of those sorts of responses to this issue), he is my therapist. He analyzes what I say and do and probably knows more of this problem than I even realize, but I really need help and I can't go to him for it, and he knows it.

So, can anyone help me gather up my courage and relax so that I can start living my life free of this paranoia? Any help I can get would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[justfallinginlove]

My ex had a similar problem with me, when we would even get close his heart would start pounding and he got dizzy and he even said it hurt sometimes. When this would happen I would take hold of his hands and just tell him to breath. Eventually it went away.
I told you that because it's all a matter of calming down. You are psyching yourself out. When you feel yourself getting tense just close your eyes, take a deep breath through your nose for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds then release it slowly through your mouth for 3 seconds. This get oxygen to the brain which will make you feel more awake but relax you at the same time.
As far as him moving your hand I'm assuming it was cause he wanted a hj? He shouldn't push you to do something you aren't ready for, so talk to him about it. But if you really do want to and feel ready but your worried about doing something wrong, then just relax. A really good strategy is to simply say "Teach me" it's a sexy way to get a little help They always fall for it Don't worry about him having more experience, we all have to start somewhere.
He's your boyfriend, you said yourself you all are so much in love. He loves you, so there is no reason to be nervous.
Do you know what exactly is making you nervous? If not try to pinpoint that and sooth it.
Communication! Communication! Communication!
PM me anytime! Good luck <3

[VampirePrincess]

Hi Ash,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. It really means a lot to me

Yes, that is what he wanted. We were pretty caught up in the moment, I don't think if he was thinking straight he would push me to do that. He is under the impression that I'm very strictly no sexual activity of any kind before marriage...and it really doesn't hurt to have him keep thinking that for the moment. It will give me the time I need to, to work through things.

Him having more experience is the exact reason I'm nervous. I can't seem to handle being with people with more experience than me, in fact I tried my hardest to not like him as soon as I found out because I didn't want to be with him, I knew this would happen and I knew I would stress myself out over it so bad. But somehow I ended up falling in love with him. To me, it is the most important thing in the entire universe to only ever be with one person. I can't rationally explain why, I just know how important it is to me. That he didn't hold those same values just...it makes me feel so horrible, so nervous, I don't just panic I get freaky panicked like someone call a doctor and a therapist to load this crazy person to a mental hospital sort of nervous. I can't calm down, I try so hard, only one thing calms me down when I get like that um...*pokes your signature* that. Just didn't want to type it on a non-triggering thread.

I told him about it tonight. He said he didn't have magic words to make me feel better, he's just sorry he caused me pain. And then he...not so much ignored it but tried to go back to normal to calm me over my other fear (that whenever I say something to him he'll break up with me). I need serious help with this, I have no idea why it means so much to me. I am the only person I have ever met my age with no experience. What am I supposed to do, raise some little kid to be my husband some day? The older I get the less and less likely it is I'll find what I want. I want this curse to be gone. It interferes with me being happy.

I just want so badly to be with him, to make him happy, he says all he wants is for me to be happy, but in order for me to be happy I have to cheat on him, to get that same experience level. No matter what I do it will be wrong and I'll probably feel paranoid my entire life.

[justfallinginlove]

Hey again! Sorry it's taken me so long to reply- ive been super busy lately.

So your nervousness is stemming from lack of sexual experience. You do not have to cheat on him to get the same level of experience. He knows you don't have any experience and he still loves you, therefore it mustn't bother him. If you are emotionally ready to have sexual relations (of whatever level) with him, then great, go for it! But if this is not something you want to do because of your beliefs then you don't have too! It's up to you! You even said yourself that he is aware of your beliefs, and he wants to be with you regardless so don't worry about it.
Honestly I think if you can just get your mind past this "experience" idea, you'll be fine. And you can always talk to him about it.

[VampirePrincess]

I talked to him about it a little, and he feels like I'm judging him. So I came at it from a different angle. He spoke. I told him "I could never do that", "I can't do that right now", "I feel I could do that sooner but still not yet", or "I'm ready for that now" depending on what he said. He was completely and totally understanding of my needs that way. There was one thing in particular I've been freaking out over, with my past I have an actual phobia of it and really could never do it. He told me today, he doesn't like it, and never wants me to do it. It's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.

I'm still worried about my experience, I suppose in some ways I will be until I get up there. But...him not having expectations, at least right now, is making me feel better. When I'm really ready, I'll feel confident, and if I'm confident it won't bother me in the same way. At least I can hope. He's made it clear he doesn't want to have a conversation about my fear of lack of experience, so I'm just keeping it to myself and hoping that it gets better.

[rac146]

I'm glad you talked to him and are on your way to working things out. Just keep in mind sexual experience is something that with time won't matter so much, and the fact he does experience is a good thing, it means he'll better know how to make you feel good

I didnt have much experience (and was still a virgin) when I started dating my bf either due to abuse in my past. He, on the other hand, had slept with every girl he ever dated, and that was quite a few. I was apprehensive when we first started dating, but as time went on, and he continued to be patient and loving with me, I stopped worrying about it. He "taught" me which was fun and he also told me it didnt matter whether or not I had the experience, he loved me so to "feel free to experiment." When I decided we were ready for sex, he was so sweet and gentle and caring. Even after we broke up for awhile I didn't regret it because thats just who he is. Everyone says when do give your viginity to someone who isnt, your giving something that your not giving back, like thats a bad thing. Sharing yourself with someone you love, whether or not its your first time, is what counts, and as long as your being safe and comfortable thats all that matters good luck.

[justfallinginlove]

I'm so glad things seem to be working out, Crystal!! Much luck <3