Is he cheating?

[fullofsecrets]

So I've been with my boyfriend on again-off again for three years. When we broke up January 2010, he started getting really close to this girl, but nothing ever happened. We broke up again last March and then got back together. The reason we kept splitting up was fights over his grades (we are both in college) and he usually will stay up and play card games like Magic or online games like League of Legends rather then go to class.

This summer we got really close again and he swore to me that he would keep his grades in check so we started going out again in September. It was amazing for seven weeks, then something turned bad. It was literally like a switch. He started nitpicking everything I did. I have semi-curly/wavy hair that can occasionally get pretty frizzy, and he kept insisting that I straighten it. Like we'd be sitting doing homework together and he would sit up and say, "Why don't you straighten your hair?" To me, it struck me as really weird. But if he wasn't nitpicking someone about my appearance, he just seemed distant. His roommate noticed it too. We both also noticed that he was texting someone almost nonstop.

When I asked him who, he kept shooting a bunch of random names out at me. His roommate asked him the same question with the same response, and it seemed really fishy. So one night when he fell asleep early we both looked at his phone (I'm really sorry I did this. I know it was an invasion of his privacy and I felt really bad but I HAD to know) and there was just text messages from this one girl. There would be times when he would say he couldn't text me, or times when he'd be at my apartment saying he was helping a friend out with homework, and that entire time he was just texting her. We went to the movies a few days ago and he spent about 30 mins in the bathroom. Apparently he was texting her all during that time. He never tells her that he's with me, he always just says that he's with a few friends.

I couldn't wait and I tried to calm down and confront him about the text messages but I really care about him and I was really emotional. He was pretty pissed about looking through his phone, but he insists that she's just a good friend and she messaged him because she was having boyfriend trouble. He couldn't really explain any of the lying though. For example, he told her he didn't have any exams on Thursday so he was going to head back home early to see her. He told me he had no idea when his exams were, and he had no idea when he was going home the same night I found the text messages.

I don't know what else he's lied to me about and I can't trust him. Even right now, he says he's doing homework but I don't know if that's true. I'm just really hurt when he says, "I can't text now" but then he spends an HOUR text messaging her back and forth. It really hurts me. I've tried to talk to him about it but he just keeps saying it's nothing, don't worry about it. I don't want to keep bringing it up but I honestly can't trust him. I really want our relationship to work but I really don't know what to do. She lives about an hour or so away from us, so I don't know if it's technically physically cheating, but I've heard the term emotional cheating. I've seen the text messages and I've seen them flirting with each other and he denies it but I still feel so hurt by it I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is really long. This has been sitting on my mind for a week now. I stopped cutting a few months ago and it seems like that's all I can think about now. I've been cheated on in two prior relationships so I don't know if that's why I'm really concerned with him cheating on me or not. I just keep fixating on the idea that I'm not good enough and that's why he doesn't want to be with me anymore - but he hasn't said that. He said he doesn't want space from me, I'm not crowding him, the relationship is fine. But then why is he off flirting with another girl?

He also doesn't really have any close friends that are girls. If I looked at his Facebook page, I think that only 1/10 of his friends on that page are girls, and he doesn't even talk to most of them. I've let him know how I feel, but it's not helping how I feel. I don't know what answers I'm looking for, I just want all the pain to stop.

[Amberpamber]

It does sound pretty fishy and I hate to say it but it sounds like you're right. If there wasn't anything to worry about why would he be so secretive about it? I see no reason to unless he's hiding something.

[Ambiance]

Well, I have to point out a few major things here: A. He sounds like a loser. I'm sorry. It's one sort of cute-dorky if you're really smart and have good grades and play video games and junk, but it's kind of weird if you sacrifice school for card/online games. B.) He sounds like a jerk for nitpicking at you about your appearance. It's one thing if a guy doesn't reassure you about things that make you insecure, and there's some truth in saying that you probably shouldn't ask this of him frequently. But asking you to CHANGE your appearance is a dick move. It's also a sign that he doesn't care about as much, because he's saying something that's obviously going to make you feel crappy, and not caring. C.) Yeah, there's definately something going on with them. Don't second-guess, he wouldn't be lying to you if there wasn't. They might not be sleeping together, and that's probably a safe assumption given the distance, but that doesn't really help if you know that something WOULD develope were she closer. And if he's spending time TEXTING her that he could be spending ACTUALLY hanging out with you, that's sooooo lame!

My advice: Dump him haaard. Don't be a jerk, but tell him all the reasons, and be adament. He might say he'll change, or he'll stop texting her, whatever; you can tell him that's cool, but it doesn't change anything. If you stay with him, you'll just end up feeling bad about yourself, and you're worth so much more than that. He'll realize that an internet girl wasn't worth it, I can almost guarantee that, but don't let him come back to you. It sounds like you guys have reoccuring problems, and if he DOES come back, it's only because he's lonely. Don't try to make it work; it's a damn shame when you see one person putting in all the effort and one person not giving a shit. You sounds like a really sweet person to be honest, and I don't think anyone who's going to treat their girlfriend like that has ANY business with such a nice person.

[Chair]

Originally Posted by iLikeToMoveIt

Well, I have to point out a few major things here: A. He sounds like a loser. I'm sorry. It's one sort of cute-dorky if you're really smart and have good grades and play video games and junk, but it's kind of weird if you sacrifice school for card/online games. B.) He sounds like a jerk for nitpicking at you about your appearance. It's one thing if a guy doesn't reassure you about things that make you insecure, and there's some truth in saying that you probably shouldn't ask this of him frequently. But asking you to CHANGE your appearance is a dick move. It's also a sign that he doesn't care about as much, because he's saying something that's obviously going to make you feel crappy, and not caring. C.) Yeah, there's definately something going on with them. Don't second-guess, he wouldn't be lying to you if there wasn't. They might not be sleeping together, and that's probably a safe assumption given the distance, but that doesn't really help if you know that something WOULD develope were she closer. And if he's spending time TEXTING her that he could be spending ACTUALLY hanging out with you, that's sooooo lame!

My advice: Dump him haaard. Don't be a jerk, but tell him all the reasons, and be adament. He might say he'll change, or he'll stop texting her, whatever; you can tell him that's cool, but it doesn't change anything. If you stay with him, you'll just end up feeling bad about yourself, and you're worth so much more than that. He'll realize that an internet girl wasn't worth it, I can almost guarantee that, but don't let him come back to you. It sounds like you guys have reoccuring problems, and if he DOES come back, it's only because he's lonely. Don't try to make it work; it's a damn shame when you see one person putting in all the effort and one person not giving a shit. You sounds like a really sweet person to be honest, and I don't think anyone who's going to treat their girlfriend like that has ANY business with such a nice person.

That's cute. It's always the guys fault huh?

Kristin, you mentioned that you guys broke up twice already because he's lazy and barely even cares about his future. The fact that he 'started getting really close this girl' last year obviously still bothered you before you broke up with him the second time. So I just have a couple of questions:
Why are you still dating him?
and
What did you expect people would say when you posted this?

Both questions are rhetorical...

[fullofsecrets]

Chair, please don't comment on my posts. It's obvious from your other remarks on other's posts that your comments are insensitive and occasionally downright malicious. This is a site for people who are having a personal dilemma and need advice and your trolling is NOT welcome here.

[Chair]

Originally Posted by fullofsecrets

Chair, please don't comment on my posts. It's obvious from your other remarks on other's posts that your comments are insensitive and occasionally downright malicious. This is a site for people who are having a personal dilemma and need advice and your trolling is NOT welcome here.

Your boyfriend, as much as you care for him, hasn't had the chance to get close to any other girls since he's entered college and would like to do so. What he's doing is emotional cheating. He lied to you because he knows that, but is too afraid to break up with you or physically cheat to give you an excuse to break up (for now. The distance may also be a reason why he hasn't yet slept with her). Some may say that looking through his phone wasn't a good idea, but considering his reputation, you had every right to be suspicious, and looking once through your partners phone is no where near as bad as them lying to your face everyday. He's nitpicking because he wants you to doubt he loves you, or because he wants to make you like him less for being an ass, care less about him because of his opinions and not feel bad about breaking up.
Amber simplified the points you brought up in your original post and approved of your suspicions but didn't include an advice.
My advice is the same as iLikeToMoveIt's . She (or he?) already said everything that needs to be said and more.
I didn't mean to put the blame on you, I was assuring you that what you think is right, that you shouldn't give him another chance. I tried to keep my post simple and am sorry that it came across as insensitive and malicious.

[Maloo]

Honestly, I have a HUGE problem with on-again-off-again relationships. I truthfully don't see the point. There's obviously big problems in the relationship that aren't getting solved.

Now, when it comes to the cheating part, there's really no way to tell for sure if he is unless he admits it, or someone catches him in the act.

But honestly, my boyfriend sometimes doesn't tell people he's with me when he's texting them. Or he'll say he's with "the ball and chain" in a joking manner. I think it's to make it seem to his friends that he's not this mushy soft guy who spends all his time with his girlfriend.

You guys need to sit down and talk about everything, or it might be time for you to decide that the relationship isn't going anywhere, and probably hasn't been for quite some time if you guys repeatedly break up and get back together.

[Ambiance]

Originally Posted by Chair

That's cute. It's always the guys fault huh?

My advice was everything and more, and cute? Gotcha.

You can't fall victim to the mindset of it being YOUR fault (many girls do) OR, "Oh, he didn't do some tiny minute thing, HE HATES ME HE'S CHEATING ON ME BLRGHBLRGH!" <== Lots of girls do this when they know they have boyfriends who loves them and care about them, but are just human beings as well.

But I don't think that's what your situation sounds like. It sounds like he's obviously at least interested in her, and he's being a dick to you, and cute little words like nitpicking can't disguise that (not saying you were trying to). Maybe he loves you, maybe it's just a phase, but it doesn't change anything really, because you can't be happy in a relationship like that even if he DOES quit texting her.

[Chair]

Originally Posted by iLikeToMoveIt

My advice was everything and more, and cute? Gotcha.

Yes. You wrote a whole paragraph when you could have stopped after 'him' , which was preceded by 'My advice: dump' . You had already pointed out the reasons why she should dump him in the body of your post, the second paragraph was long and unnecessary. It was cute to see you try.

Maloo also introduced some new points, from which the most notable are that on-and-off-relationships contain problems that aren't getting solved, and "the ball and chain" situation.

OP, It's time to solve your problems together with your boyfriend or break up.

[Skeleton]

I do think that you're right. He lies about who he is texting and tell you he is doing something or can't text you and then continues to text her instead so I'd say that there most likely is something going on because he is obviously choosing talking to her over you and then you've got the fact that he is clearly being a jerk towards you as well as distant.

I think it's time that you call it quits and for good, I agree that on and off relationships aren't worth it because if you're breaking up just to get back together just to break up again then things quite clearly aren't working out for whatever reason and it's just most likely going to happen again in the future, whether the reason is the same or not.