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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jake Offline
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Our first 'real' fight.. - March 23rd 2009, 05:43 PM

So after we talked on the phone last night, i was sure of myself. We're talking about my ex, who i was getting close to and possibly back into a relationship with again. In case you haven't been following this situation..

She insisted that kiss, was all her. (Continueing to call me a bitch in a playful manner) So i thought it was safe to assume, she wanted it if it was all her.

She said she'd text me in the morning and went to sleep, which she didn't.
So this morning i text her and tried to make conversation but she said she was busy. So i said

"No fair I'm coming up to you later, unless you have an objection ;p"


And she said..

"Actually i do, I'm going into town Jakey"


I asked her yesterday when she'd be home and she said about 7pm, so i guess i could still go up to her right? Unless she didn't want that. But that's what it seemed when she gave me that lame excuse.

So i text back "You told me that.. Forget it.."
Text conversation went like this..

Her: Why are you getting annoyed?
Me: Because I'm frustrated.
Her: How?
Me: You, you're confusing.
Her: Explain


So i went about explaining my thoughts and sent her back this long text.

___________
Ok, so last few days, you seem interested? You say some pretty meaningful stuff. Then saturday you ask me to come babysit with you yeah? Guess you wanted me there then?
So then that kiss, i was kind of scepticle about it but it was all you right? You insisted. So i guess you wanted that too?
So then why do you seem reluctant to see me again?
And i don't just mean today, because sure you could have plans. (I knew you did, but you're going to be home at 7; remember?)
So like, what the fucks going on?
If you really WANTED to see me, you'd MAKE time and YOUD make some kind of plan rather than me chasing you around to no success. Am i right?
So i feel like I'm wasting my time with you. Yeah...
_________________

She replied:
Actually, thanks for the rant. Now i remember why i didn't want a relationship again. Appreciated.

I guess she meant fights and arguements..

After reading over it again, i can see why she might think i was mad at her. The way i started it, seemed as if i was annoyed and then when i sent her that it was a rant. But that's not what i intended... I was just really confused again and needed an explanation..

I replied:
It wasn't a rant, because I'm not pissed off.. I'm just confused, but i guess you're pissed off with me now.. So yeah, sorry for being unable to work you out i guess.. Wow fuck I'm stupid..

She hasn't replied, but i guess she thinks I'm mad at her..

Q:Would that be a correct assessment of the situation?

Q:Can i come back from this?

I want to call her later tonight and apologize and explain myself.
Right now I'm letting her have her space, i don't want it to escalate.

I just hope we can get over this and go back to how things were.. I'm afraid to go on bebo in case she deleted me or edited her page. I don't want to see it.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Our first 'real' fight.. - March 23rd 2009, 06:36 PM

she may not be mad just a little upset because she may think your mad. She may also just be thinking things threw.

I think you may be able to come back from it if its something you seriously want.

GOOD LUCK!! (: let me know what goes on


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Our first 'real' fight.. - March 23rd 2009, 08:50 PM

I'd also like to know how things go. I think she probably is a little upset that she thinks you're mad. Maybe she just needs a little time to calm down. Sometimes, if I'm really sad or mad or something, I just need to step away and relax for a while.
The good thing is that you told her how you're feeling. That's better than keeping it in. She knows that you're confused and that's a good thing. She may just be thinking things over and trying to decide what to do. I know before my boyfriend asked me out, most of my texts were very well thought out and took me a while to respond while I tried to think of the right thing to say. You did a good thing by telling her your feelings. Once she calms down, hopefully she'll appreciate that.
Good luck!


   
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Re: Our first 'real' fight.. - March 23rd 2009, 10:26 PM

Quote:
Ok, so last few days, you seem interested? You say some pretty meaningful stuff. Then saturday you ask me to come babysit with you yeah? Guess you wanted me there then?
So then that kiss, i was kind of scepticle about it but it was all you right? You insisted. So i guess you wanted that too?
So then why do you seem reluctant to see me again?
And i don't just mean today, because sure you could have plans. (I knew you did, but you're going to be home at 7; remember?)
So like, what the fucks going on?
If you really WANTED to see me, you'd MAKE time and YOUD make some kind of plan rather than me chasing you around to no success. Am i right?
So i feel like I'm wasting my time with you. Yeah...

I see nothing at all wrong with this. You repeated the situation as it was. You used phrases such as "you seem" and "I feel" and where you could have been considered accusatory, you added in a question ("Am I right?") which, in my opinion, completely changes the context. The only thing wrong, that I see, is the "So like, what the fuck's going on?" Even in play, cursing can often be misinterpreted (when it comes to cursing, it tends to be more about connotation as opposed to context), and that is why I, personally, feel it has no place in anything heart-to-heart. Because of your use of the word "fuck," I imagine your tone was a little bit misconstrued, and this could quite probably be what set her off and triggered her defenses.

Quote:
It wasn't a rant, because I'm not pissed off.. I'm just confused, but i guess you're pissed off with me now.. So yeah, sorry for being unable to work you out i guess.. Wow fuck I'm stupid..

This is the text I saw more of the problem with. There was much more "you're this" and "you're that" either said or implied, and, in my honest opinion, ending anything with a self-deprecating comment is a bad idea. It's not their job to pick you back up and to set you back on your feet, but if it's someone that cares about you, they're going to feel obligated to do just that. And let's say for a minute that they didn't, that guilt didn't play any part in this. Regardless of how you intended that comment to come across, be it as a surrender or a concealed apology etc., it's most always going to come across as a retaliation, and this will only serve to further escalate the argument. If I were you, I would have re-worded this text to say something like "It wasn't a rant, because I'm not pissed off.. I'm just confused, and I really want to figure this out with you. I'm sorry if I made you angry, and I'm here when you want to talk" as this seems to be your general intention. I realise what's said is said and what's done is done, but this may be something you'd bear in mind for the future.

Now, this girl. Incredibly, incredibly defensive reaction on her end. This, in my mind, is due to one, or quite possibly both, of two things. For one, the use of the word "fuck," which I addressed earlier. For another... well, to be entirely honest with you, you called her out on her own game, and who likes that? My assumption is further backed by the fact she blamed you for the ending of your relationship and for reminding her of why she didn't want one. Her wording here is important to consider. You reminded her, but this is her problem, her issue, not yours, and you'd do well to remember that. You'd also do well to keep in mind that you cannot fight her battles for her. Whatever is holding her back from getting into a relationship with you, or with anyone, frankly, she has to figure out and she has to fix, and she has to do this in her own time. Whilst she's doing so, I would recommend you back off. Give her some space, and let her come to you, especially now.

Don't call her to apologise. You did nothing wrong. Should she call you, should she bring up your text, feel free to say "I'm sorry about -insertithere-" but do not apologise for your feelings. But calling her now would only serve to be even more suffocating. I'm starting to feel as though you may be coming off a little too strong for her. I understand that you're confused, but in no way are you going to end up pushing her into giving you your answers - if anything, this will lead for more frustration both on her end and on yours, and this is not a tension you want building between you. Being said, from your past posts to now, you're coming across as rather aggressive, not necessarily in your approach (overall, I think you have a decent way of going about things) but in your intent. You're bringing up your feelings and the possibility of a relationship a lot, at least by my standards, and though on the one hand this may be fun for her, on the other, it may be entirely too stressful. If you're pretty sure it's neither a rebound possibility nor simply the fact she doesn't know what she wants (I stand stubbornly by this one), then another thing to consider is that maybe it's a combination of two or more of these things. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants. She knows she has some feelings but she's not entirely too sure what they are. She feels pressured into acting on those feelings. She wants to go out and meet new people, figure things out, so let her. Don't be constantly pulling her back by bringing up you and by bringing up "us."

As for what you should do today, let her come to you. There's no hurry and no need to smother her. Let what happens happen and try not to give the situation this much power by obsessing over it as you are. Seriously, try and cheer up. <3

xo Claire




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March 23rd 2009, 11:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaggzB View Post
she may not be mad just a little upset because she may think your mad. She may also just be thinking things threw.

I think you may be able to come back from it if its something you seriously want.

GOOD LUCK!! (: let me know what goes on
Well now that i look at it that way, her reaction makes more sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Care-o-Bear View Post
I'd also like to know how things go. I think she probably is a little upset that she thinks you're mad. Maybe she just needs a little time to calm down. Sometimes, if I'm really sad or mad or something, I just need to step away and relax for a while.
The good thing is that you told her how you're feeling. That's better than keeping it in. She knows that you're confused and that's a good thing. She may just be thinking things over and trying to decide what to do. I know before my boyfriend asked me out, most of my texts were very well thought out and took me a while to respond while I tried to think of the right thing to say. You did a good thing by telling her your feelings. Once she calms down, hopefully she'll appreciate that.
Good luck!
Well she text me about 2 hours later saying "Well done Jakey. x", i guess she was ready to talk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sphynx View Post

I see nothing at all wrong with this. You repeated the situation as it was. You used phrases such as "you seem" and "I feel" and where you could have been considered accusatory, you added in a question ("Am I right?") which, in my opinion, completely changes the context. The only thing wrong, that I see, is the "So like, what the fuck's going on?" Even in play, cursing can often be misinterpreted (when it comes to cursing, it tends to be more about connotation as opposed to context), and that is why I, personally, feel it has no place in anything heart-to-heart. Because of your use of the word "fuck," I imagine your tone was a little bit misconstrued, and this could quite probably be what set her off and triggered her defenses.



This is the text I saw more of the problem with. There was much more "you're this" and "you're that" either said or implied, and, in my honest opinion, ending anything with a self-deprecating comment is a bad idea. It's not their job to pick you back up and to set you back on your feet, but if it's someone that cares about you, they're going to feel obligated to do just that. And let's say for a minute that they didn't, that guilt didn't play any part in this. Regardless of how you intended that comment to come across, be it as a surrender or a concealed apology etc., it's most always going to come across as a retaliation, and this will only serve to further escalate the argument. If I were you, I would have re-worded this text to say something like "It wasn't a rant, because I'm not pissed off.. I'm just confused, and I really want to figure this out with you. I'm sorry if I made you angry, and I'm here when you want to talk" as this seems to be your general intention. I realise what's said is said and what's done is done, but this may be something you'd bear in mind for the future.

Now, this girl. Incredibly, incredibly defensive reaction on her end. This, in my mind, is due to one, or quite possibly both, of two things. For one, the use of the word "fuck," which I addressed earlier. For another... well, to be entirely honest with you, you called her out on her own game, and who likes that? My assumption is further backed by the fact she blamed you for the ending of your relationship and for reminding her of why she didn't want one. Her wording here is important to consider. You reminded her, but this is her problem, her issue, not yours, and you'd do well to remember that. You'd also do well to keep in mind that you cannot fight her battles for her. Whatever is holding her back from getting into a relationship with you, or with anyone, frankly, she has to figure out and she has to fix, and she has to do this in her own time. Whilst she's doing so, I would recommend you back off. Give her some space, and let her come to you, especially now.

Don't call her to apologise. You did nothing wrong. Should she call you, should she bring up your text, feel free to say "I'm sorry about -insertithere-" but do not apologise for your feelings. But calling her now would only serve to be even more suffocating. I'm starting to feel as though you may be coming off a little too strong for her. I understand that you're confused, but in no way are you going to end up pushing her into giving you your answers - if anything, this will lead for more frustration both on her end and on yours, and this is not a tension you want building between you. Being said, from your past posts to now, you're coming across as rather aggressive, not necessarily in your approach (overall, I think you have a decent way of going about things) but in your intent. You're bringing up your feelings and the possibility of a relationship a lot, at least by my standards, and though on the one hand this may be fun for her, on the other, it may be entirely too stressful. If you're pretty sure it's neither a rebound possibility nor simply the fact she doesn't know what she wants (I stand stubbornly by this one), then another thing to consider is that maybe it's a combination of two or more of these things. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants. She knows she has some feelings but she's not entirely too sure what they are. She feels pressured into acting on those feelings. She wants to go out and meet new people, figure things out, so let her. Don't be constantly pulling her back by bringing up you and by bringing up "us."

As for what you should do today, let her come to you. There's no hurry and no need to smother her. Let what happens happen and try not to give the situation this much power by obsessing over it as you are. Seriously, try and cheer up. <3

xo Claire
Thanks :\
She text me about 2 hours afterwards, saying "Well done Jakey. x".

I left my phone in my room and went out for the day so i didn't notice it until now and haven't replied. So i don't know what the text meant, but she did try to contact me.

In a while I'm going to call her and not apologize for my feelings, but for coming across as mad. And just re-assure her that I'm not and maybe explain my intentions if she's interested in talking.. I guess we'll see where things go from there.

She knows i excessively swear, not always in an angry matter. But i guess she can tell when I'm angry and i usually use "fuck". So now that i think about it, that's probably what she was thinking.

I think she just thought i was trying to pick a fight and just kind of backed away rather than answering me.

Your idea of the text, would have worked better.. But i was upset when i got that reply.. I wasn't expecting it and didn't know what to think at the time. I just replied by trying to explain myself since it seemed she'd mis-interpreted my text..

I don't really bring up our feelings too often, but it seems EVERYTIME i try and get her to or try to hang with me/her she gives me some half assed excuse, that's why this morning I'd had enough.

It seems she's interested, but she isn't making an attempt to go any further than that. Which is why i became frustrated, she goes so far and then just kind of cuts it there. But continues to talk to me via text/phone while continuing to show interest.

We never fought, EVER. When we were together. Or well ever until now, and it was neither of our faults why we broke up. Nothing actually happened to trigger it. But her other relationships had fighting in them. She's depressed and fights with her mother and sister everyday. So she just really wouldn't want it with us.

She did sort of come to me, but if she thinks I'm mad at her she won't straight up confront me. So i think I'm going to do it.
And yeah.. It does seem sort of obssessive, but like i said.. I was really frustrated and confused.. Not like that is any excuse, but its my reasoning behind what i did.

I'll let you all know how things go.. Thanks for the replies.

EDIT:

Well i tried to call her.. 1st time no answer. (Let it ring out.) 2nd time i don't know what happened, sometimes my phone fucks up when they answer and hangs up by itself. Either that happened or she answered and hung up fast.

3rd time she rejected my call.

So I take it she doesn't want to talk to me.. Either that or my phone fucked up, she got pissed off and rejected the next call..

I texted her anyway, asking was she not talking to me. No reply after almost 20 minutes, so I'm going to text her again now and simply say.
"I'll take that as a no... Call me when you're ready to talk i guess.. :\"

Well that's sent now.. Just have to wait until she's ready to talk to me again now.. I hate this. I'm afraid she isn't going to call.. How long am i going to have to wait... It hurts

Last edited by Jake; March 24th 2009 at 12:51 AM.
   
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Re: Our first 'real' fight.. - March 24th 2009, 12:57 AM

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Originally Posted by Jake View Post
"I'll take that as a no... Call me when you're ready to talk i guess.. :\"

Well that's sent now.. Just have to wait until she's ready to talk to me again now.. I hate this. I'm afraid she isn't going to call.. How long am i going to have to wait... It hurts
Don't Don't Don't do that. Just be a little more patient, saying that stuff will only drive her away.
   
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Re: Our first 'real' fight.. - March 24th 2009, 01:00 AM

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Originally Posted by Double X View Post
Don't Don't Don't do that. Just be a little more patient, saying that stuff will only drive her away.
Too late. Yay...

I'm done now though, I'll just wait...

EDIT:
I'm trying to think what she was going to say if i replied to that text she sent me earlier, "well done Jakey".
I don't know whether it was sarcasm or not.. Most probably though and i think she might have cut or something..

EDIT:
So she just called me, and we talked for a bit. She said she rejected my calls earlier because she was sick. She has food poisoning again or something..
After a few minutes, i said i was sorry for earlier. And she just started repeating: "I'm not talking about". Because she's sick.

When i asked about the text, she said she doesn't know. Which usually means she doesn't want to talk about it.
But I'm happy that we're talking again, her phone just died. So I'll wait or try call her again later and see what happens.

I'm hoping what happened earlier hasn't changed anything between us..

Bleh and now when i tried calling back, she rejected my call. I'm going to bed.. I'll stop bothering her. She'll contact me if she wants to talk..

Last edited by Jake; March 24th 2009 at 02:05 AM.
   
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Re: Our first 'real' fight.. - March 24th 2009, 02:03 AM

She has an excuse every time something like this happens... In every situation where she could possibly have done wrong, she always has plans or she's sleeping or she's busy or she's sick. When it comes to serious matters that should be discussed between you two, she always seems not to want to talk about it or you do talk but she's talking about "something else" or she can't talk about it or it somehow ends up being your fault. I'm really starting to question her accountability, her sincerity, and her actual willingness to work this out with you. Until she's willing to step up and take some responsibility for her actions, her shortcomings, and her wrong doings, this isn't something that's ever going to be fixed, and that's what I'm worrying about now.

Tight hugs,
xo Claire




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  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Our first 'real' fight.. - March 24th 2009, 02:23 AM

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Originally Posted by sphynx View Post
She has an excuse every time something like this happens... In every situation where she could possibly have done wrong, she always has plans or she's sleeping or she's busy or she's sick. When it comes to serious matters that should be discussed between you two, she always seems not to want to talk about it or you do talk but she's talking about "something else" or she can't talk about it or it somehow ends up being your fault. I'm really starting to question her accountability, her sincerity, and her actual willingness to work this out with you. Until she's willing to step up and take some responsibility for her actions, her shortcomings, and her wrong doings, this isn't something that's ever going to be fixed, and that's what I'm worrying about now.

Tight hugs,
xo Claire
She does talk though :\ well sometimes.. and turns out her phone died, then she started puking and her mom started giving out to her saying she was faking it, wherever that logic comes from?

But yeah she rejected my last call because they were arguing.

It really does seem that way though, hopefully we can work this out. :s

There's something wrong with her now :\
At first she was crying then she sounded really sad and i asked what was wrong..
Her words were "I just don't wanna be anywhere..". I asked why and she said no reason, well obviously there has to be a reason. So i questioned her and she said she'll call me back in a few minutes and tell me whats wrong.

Meh I'm worried and i guess I'm sorta using this post as a blog now, so I'll stop.

Last edited by Jake; March 24th 2009 at 02:30 AM.
   
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