Future of our relationship (Long, sorry!)

[Revolution]

Hey guys! I just need some advice about my relationship;. For starters, I've been in a relationship for three and a half years, so this isn't one of those "Let's get married after a month" moments. We're very close, and there's really nothing wrong in the relationship, we get along great, it's fabulous. We're now long distance, he just moved to Boston for college, and to be honest, the long distance thing is going pretty well. We miss each other lots, but in a healthy way, you know? It's not the issue.

The issue is the future. I don't know if I'm thinking too long term or not, but I've been thinking lately about what I want to do. For starters, I do not want to leave my home state of Arizona. I like Arizona, even with all of its problems, it's warm, I have friends here, my family is here, the housing is cheap, the job I want to do is available in both places I'm thinking about living, you know. I want to stay. I was talking to my boyfriend about this and asking him what he wants to do and his exact words were, "Well, I'm not going back to Arizona, that's for sure. So I guess if you ever want to live together, Arizona just won't work."

Ouch. I was a bit hurt, I don't know. I started thinking about maybe I need to adjust my plan, thinking about where we could both get along. He wants a city with a good music scene, and I want a large city with cheap housing, sunny warm-hot weather year long (I'm from AZ, don't judge me. ), and near my family (mostly in Arizona, Texas, and California). The only thing I could at all think of was Southern California, though it's impossible to make a living. I don't know. It's confusing.

Anyway, should I be worried about our relationship is really my question? Am I thinking too long term? Should I feel pressured to change, and move for him? Should I expect him to move? How can we ever make this work in the future? Mehh, things are so complicated.

[PlayingPretend]

I think that the primary issue here really is that when it comes to a long-distance relationship, one person has to be willing to make the sacrifices, and they have to be willing to make those sacrifices for themselves as much as for their partner. For example, no, maybe you wouldn't typically up and move to, say, SoCal (since you mentioned it) if your partner were not a factor, but if you could easily access what you wanted/needed there same as what you wanted/needed in Arizona, then it might be something you could deal with/adjust to. The thing is that you need to think about where you're going to be happy. There are some people who say they'd be miserable to be with the man that they loved, but I disagree with this sentiment. I think you need to be as happy standing on your own two feet as you do with your partner. Personally, this is something I spoke about to mine before we even reached a huge point of commitment. Because I think it's important that the realisation is actualised: someone is going to have to drop everything when it comes to distance, and if neither partner is willing to do so, then the relationship may have to be reconsidered. Frankly, I think I would write out what parts of Arizona you like that you don't want to compromise on and those you can (don't include Arizona in the list) and then I'd look at the list and see if your happiness is specific to Arizona, and Arizonian friends and family, or if it's a happiness you could attain elsewhere. And I think as hard as it's going to be, you need to look at it as objectively as possible, and then I think you and your partner need to sit down and have a realistic talk about your future, not necessarily "when this happens" but rather "if it gets to this point..." because you don't want to be stuck still together years from now with neither one of you being willing to move/make a sacrifice.

[Revolution]

Thanks. Breaking up is my last option. I really love him, and I really don't want it to come down to that. However, I do want to think realistically. Am I maybe thinking about this too long term? When I finally got to talk to him today about it, that was kind of the impression I got. Maybe I'm thinking way too long term about this, it'll be another four years until I'm done with my undergraduate, and will not be even considering moving until then. Should I wait before making any judgments? Just confused.