And now I just don't know...

[RosieJ]

Right. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for nearly three weeks now (three weeks tomorrow) and last Sunday he told me that he thinks he's falling in love with me. Bascially I told him about my self-harm and attempted suicide and he told me that it doesn't change anything between us because he think's he's falling in love with me. Of course, this being my first boyfriend I freaked and started at him for a minute before finally saying that I didn't know how to respond.

Then on the Monday, I think what he said finally hit me. And I freaked out again and refused to speak to him via text - although this may also have something to do with some stuff I did on the Sunday with him that I regret now. So he came round at half 9 at night with nearly-torn ligaments in his ankle and tells me to please speak to him and he's fallen in love with me. Since then, he hasn't told me he loves me because I told him that it scares me - I'm very bad a disciphering emotions, I have aspergers, which is one of the reason why. So he hasn't said it and now everything's fine-ish between us.

I say fine-ish because I'm suddenly very weary of him. When I told him about my SH and stuff, it's like I've given him the knife to kill me with and all he has to do is stab me with it. If that makes sense. So when we went out on the Wednesday, I wouldn't let him kiss me cos I didn't feel ready for it - dispite the fact that we've kissed before. But he kissed me when he walked me home from his house on Thursday. And it's what I saw at his house that I want to talk about, I suppose.

I'd been there for about 2 and a half hours and my boyfriend's mum and dad were going out soon. The whole time I had been there, his mum, 8 year old brother and 4 year old sister had been downstairs with us with his 15 year old sister occasionally popping downstairs. His 4 year old sister then went to bed and his other sister and mum went upstairs to get ready or listen to music or whatever. I then played with my boyfriend's brother (Let's call him Tom) on the Wii at a game of bowling and during this time his Dad came downstairs and watched us. After me and Tom had finished, I sat down with my boyfriend and watched Tom and their Dad play baseball.

Tom was actually pretty good and for a while their Dad was loosing. It was during the Dad's time of loosing that he threw the Wii remote at his 8 year old son. The Wii remote hit Tom on the ankle and he hunched on the floor crying. The Dad then started saying 'Get up you big f*cking lesbian. Pick up my remote and get the f*ck up.' The Dad then picked up the remote and continued playing, whilst the kid 'threw' the ball on the Wii from the floor. The Dad then carried on shouting 'Get up you big f*cking lesbian. Stop being such a f*cking lesbian' to the kid until he got up.

Now, I don't know about you, but I consider this abuse. And the fact that Tom continued playing whilst on the floor and whilst crying and then only got up when his Dad became slightly more aggressive, makes me think that stuff like that has happened before. But this is the second time I've met my boyfriend's Dad and the first time he was quite quiet. But I know that the Dad has suffered some abuse in his childhood - and I feel guilty saying that cos I told my boyfriend that I wouldn't tell anyone.

And what happened between the Dad and Tom make me scared of my boyfriend, who's always going on about how alike him and his Dad are. What if me and my boyfriend grow up together and have kids and that's how he treats our kids? And he always says that he'll never hit me, but what if he does end up doing so cos he got angry or something? He got kicked out of my school in year 10 for breaking someone's nose cos they called him something he didn't like - which is the worst word in the swear-dictionary. This doesn't really bother me, and I prefer to judge my boyfriend on how I see him. My boyfriend has ADHD and is impulsive, which even he admits. So what if he one day hits me and that's it? Everytime he gets angry he'll hit me? Or the kids we may one day have? If there's one thing I really cannot stand it's child abuse. And I told myself that if we have kids and he hits one of them, I'm gone. I would be leaving him and taking the kid with me. He would never get away with hurting one of our kids. But if it were me beating hit by him, I'm not sure I'm that strong to leave. I've attempted suicide before and I dont regret doing so. I also blame everything on myself, so if he were beating me, then I would tell myself that it was my fault, even if it wasn't.

And I know I'm blowing this out of proportion slightly, but I can't help it.

So do I tell my boyfriend how I feel about his Dad? Or just leave it? And should I go back round to my boyfriend's house when his Dad is there to assess the situation further? Or just jump up and take action now, which I personally don't think I should do?

And what do I do about this whole 'I love you' thing from my boyfriend? Do you think I handled it ok? I don't even know how I feel about him yet.

Thanks for reading my rant.
Molly.

[Winston1994]

Alright, first of all, you may not care, but my hopeful girlfriend's name is Molly, and I think it's a cute name Now to your actual issue. First of all, I've had experience with a girlfriend who is suicidal, and I'm not trying to lump you guys together or anything (especially since I was definitely suicidal at some point, too), but relationships like yours are VERY hard to uphold. If he says he loves you, he probably really really means it. I know I did with my old flame, and she had those thoughts about herself as well. However...please consider that bullying and abuse is something that is passed down through generations. There's a good chance that your potential boyfriend WILL be abusive, and (get this) your kids will turn out to be too if he helps raise them. If you don't love him (or are at least unsure) and he seems like he could be abusive, just break everything off and save yourself the emotional (and possibly physical) pain.

[RosieJ]

But I want to be with him! I'm just scared to how he'll turn out and I don't know how MUCH I want to be with him. If that makes sense.

And what do I do about his Dad? Should I go round there again and should I speak to him about it?

Thanks for replying!
Molly.

[Winston1994]

Alright. Hm...well, my new and revised advice would be to continue seeing him, and try your hardest to love him. If you just can't (and it may take a month or two, or more to determine this), or if he ever ever hits you in a malicious way, you just have to go your seperate ways. About the thing with his dad...it depends on exactly what you want to say to him. Generally people like that are pretty stubborn and think that they're right and everyone else is wrong, if you know what I'm saying.

[RosieJ]

Ok. Thanks.

Should I talk to my boyfriend about his Dad? And should I stop going round to my boyfriend's house cos I don't like the way his dad treats his brother? And do you think that I should just drop it and do nothing about the way Tom gets treated by his dad?

[Winston1994]

I think that you should avoid his house if you can, for sure. Definitely try to talk about his dad with him, since he isn't necessarily gonna turn out like him. And to be honest, aside from talking with your boyfriend...there isn't much you can do about his dad's actions. Sorry

[RosieJ]

That's ok. Thanks for your help!

[Guardian_Angel]

Hey there, first of all while it is good to be cautious of abusive relationships, and while many abuse victims do sometimes abuse others- it is not a given, and its not an excuse, it is a choice. There are many people who have been in abusive homes and have never abused anyone, nor will they ever abuse someone. If his personal behaviour sends up red flags, then it should be time to worry about whether he is possibly abusive- not through his fathers alone.

As for the dreaded "I love you" thing, there are two very important things you must remember- Be honest and be gentle. For the first, whilst it may be tempting to say things which may make him feel better, instead of the crushing rejection, but if you say that you love him now, and in a few weeks decide you aren't feeling the relationship, it will only crush him 10 times worse than it needs to. (which definitely seems like a possibility as you are "weary" of him 3 weeks in, where in many couples the girl is still in the "Ohmygodhe'sthenextJesus!" honeymoon stage.)

You have to tell him where you are at, where you stand in relation to him so he knows what the situation is, so he isn't driving himself with worry, or feeding off of haughty delusions and getting his hopes way too high.

But you have to remember that you are dealing with feelings of a very sensitive nature; plus he seems like he is very sensitive and insecure himself (Were those cut ligaments self inflicted as it seems?) and while if you have to reject him, you must do it, but with these things its 70% how you do it, 30% what you actually have to do.

Being open with him about how you feel for him will help, but perhaps refusing to talk to him without explanation is not the best way to deal with things. :P If you are saying something which you know is going to be difficult to hear, then be careful how you deliver it. Where there is hope and positives, give them, but don't let his emotions make you give them where they don't exist.

So remember, honesty and gentleness, and you can include openness under honesty as well.

As for the situation with his dad, well definitely talk to your boyfriend (sorry not the dad!!!!) about it ASAP, discuss it with him, explore his feelings about the matter and then explain your own. Try to work out when he's not going to be at home if you don't feel comfortable around him, and try showing his brother a bit of love and care just generally, that will help a lot.

You don't need to be monitoring his dads behaviour, because your boyfriend is not your dad, the only behaviour you should be monitoring is his, for an analysis of what a possible future is going to be like with him. Also talk with him about your fears, he might reassure them (he might not, but sometimes guys don't understand the "reassure and comfort" need that well lol, don't take it as he's suicidal.) But yes, remember just because his dad is abusive, it doesn't mean he is.

[Winston1994]

Guardian_Angel, you make some very good points, but I respectfully disagree with something you said. Talking to the boy's dad isn't necessary, because an abusive parent will not ever listen to a teenaged kid who barely knows his son. Ever. Get an adult to talk to him, but even then, people like that generally don't have the nicest and most accepting demeanors.

[Guardian_Angel]

Hey hey, when did I say talk to the guys dad, I meant talking to her boyfriend is necessary :P No no, in no way should she talk to the dad, she should avoid him ideally.

[Aletheia*]

People have given you some solid advice already, but I thought I'd add a few things.

Firstly, don't feel upset for freaking out that your boyfriend has said 'I love you' or has told you that he's falling in love with you. Love is a strong word, and scares a lot of people. It's only natural since this is your first boyfriend, and you weren't expecting him to tell you this so soon. 3 weeks is a little early, and you had every right to ask him not to say it anymore. Of course, he can't help his feelings but he doesn't need to express them to you until you're ready.

Secondly, it sounds like his dad has some anger issues, and it's when something doesn't go his way. He lost at that game, I'm assuming, which is what caused his anger. Yes, this is of course, abuse. There is reason to yell at your child during a normally fun game. But, comparing him to your boyfriend isn't fair. They may be alike in several ways but abuse may not be one of those things. You could definitely tell if he has abusive tendencies. Just be weary of him.