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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
heather_tate19 Offline
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Unhappy I want to stay friends but he wants more - January 11th 2012, 02:42 AM

so I have this guy friend who likes me.

I knew he liked me but I thought if I didn't pay that much attention to him, he would eventually go away.

anyways, he asked me on a date, and I said yes because:
-He helped me out a lot with a few classes this past semester
-He became a vegetarian (after he found out that I'm vegan)
-He's been a gentleman
-He cares about school
-He doesn't drink

I really felt that he at least deserved a chance, even though I REALLY don't want to go out with him more than once.

Now, I'm kind and friendly to everyone. I smile a lot, I joke around, I make people feel at ease around me because I LOVE having friends. However, I don't want to get a boyfriend out of this, and I don't want to lead him on because it's wrong.

He's almost perfect for me except: he doesn't make me laugh, or smile even though I'm the one that makes him smile and laugh.

I feel really bad about this because I feel like I'm leading him on which is wrong (especially when I have a budding friendship with someone who I do like and who genuinely makes me smile and laugh- and who I think I might actually like a little bit, but it's too early to know for sure).

How can I tell him that I only want to be friends-because I enjoy his friendship more? I feel like he's crazy about me, and either way, it's not going to be something he wants to hear.

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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I want to stay friends but he wants more - January 11th 2012, 03:10 AM

I'm going to break this down a bit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by heather_tate19 View Post
anyways, he asked me on a date, and I said yes because:
-He helped me out a lot with a few classes this past semester
-He became a vegetarian (after he found out that I'm vegan)
-He's been a gentleman
-He cares about school
-He doesn't drink
He sounds like a really nice guy, but you should only say yes when someone asks you out if you actually want to go out with them. Don't just say yes because they are nice people, you have to actually be interested.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heather_tate19 View Post
I really felt that he at least deserved a chance, even though I REALLY don't want to go out with him more than once.
This wasn't a good idea. You are only leading him on if you said yes with no intentions of trying things out and possibly taking them further. You need to be honest with him because it isn't fair if you are only going to drop him after this date.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heather_tate19 View Post
Now, I'm kind and friendly to everyone. I smile a lot, I joke around, I make people feel at ease around me because I LOVE having friends. However, I don't want to get a boyfriend out of this, and I don't want to lead him on because it's wrong.
As long as you keep friendly away from flirting, you're not doing anything wrong. You aren't necessarily leading people on if it is an accident that they think you have feelings for them. Just be honest when they ask you out or tell you how they feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heather_tate19 View Post
How can I tell him that I only want to be friends-because I enjoy his friendship more? I feel like he's crazy about me, and either way, it's not going to be something he wants to hear.

Help!
The best thing to do is to just tell him the truth. Tell him that you think he is a really great guy, but you just don't have feelings for him. There is no 'nice' or 'easy' way to let someone down like that, but it has to be done so you can stop leading him on. What I put in bold is a great thing for you to say to him, its honest and exactly how you feel.


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heather_tate19 Offline
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Re: I want to stay friends but he wants more - January 11th 2012, 04:15 AM

I knew I should have said no, but I talked to a good friend and she said that my reasons for saying no:

-I don't like him that way
-He's not my type
-I don't want this to turn into a relationship
-I'm more interested in dating someone else that I just met versus someone that I have known throughout the entire semester, and had no interest in from the start

weren't good enough reasons not to go because
a.) I might not know him as well as I thought
b.) if someone is crazy enough about me to become a vegetarian I should give them a chance
c.) going on a date in college doesn't necessarily mean it will turn into a relationship.

She said she met him too and he seems like a pretty cool guy, and she thought I should give him a chance. so that's also why I said yes.

Now, I regret saying yes because I don't want to give him the wrong idea of how I feel about him...so I need to figure out a way to fix this

Last edited by heather_tate19; January 11th 2012 at 04:23 AM.
   
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Re: I want to stay friends but he wants more - January 11th 2012, 05:01 AM

You should probably be honest with him. Because, let's face it: Saying yes is probably going to give him the wrong impression anyway. I'm going to assume you haven't been on the date yet, so it's not too late to cancel. Tell him the truth; lying to him is going to hurt worse than being truthful. Just let him know you just want to be friends. He changed himself in hopes that you'd like him, and he shouldn't have done that. It's not fair for someone to change themselves to get what they want. However, saying yes and going on with the date is only going to make him think you're into him when you aren't.











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Re: I want to stay friends but he wants more - January 11th 2012, 11:41 AM

You should ask if you can just take it slower and get to know him first, but not on a date. Maybe get some of your friends and his friends together and go do something so the two of you can get to know each other without the awkwardness or you feeling like you're leading him on.
You're going to have to just be honest, that's really the only way to fix this.


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