I am a mess.

[RedClover]

Well, today I learned that the guy I liked this morning wants nothing to do with me. The painful part? He seemed happy enough around me, but in reality was just too cowardly to tell me to back off and stop talking to him.

This is the third time this has happened to me in high school. Usually, I develop feelings for a boy. Since I don't see him often, I try to hang out with him as often as possible. But since I usually don't run in his circles, I'm considered "stalkerish" or "clingy". In addition to those labels, I'm usually considered too pessimistic to be attractive, so that's used against me too. Worst of all, I end up having feelings for the poor kid for about a year on average before the facade of him being okay with me crumbles. It's such a drain.

I've never been in a relationship. It really bothers me, but people tell me that I try too hard with certain people. But what I want more than a relationship is affirmation and acceptance. My social life has never been decent since about fourth grade; I'm a senior in high school now. The few friends whom I have are mainly out of convenience, not from a sense of belonging. My self-esteem is admittedly a wreck. It's never been strong, and I can even remember making self-disparaging remarks as an eight year-old.

Now I'm just sick of high school. I'm sick of the cliques and the hypocrites. High school is basically my social life, as I have no other real links to my community. Sometimes I feel as if I should do some stuff outside of school, but I fear joining a group full of retirees when I want peer approval. I wish I could just be in college already; I know it's only a few months ahead, but it's almost unbearable at this point. I'm a nobody who most people dislike, and I'm a pariah in part due to the fact that I DON'T hide how I feel.

I may wish that I could be loved, but I'd rather make peace with myself first. :/

[Aletheia*]

I think it's time you took some time for yourself, instead of trying to find your perfect mate. Honestly, it might seem like everyone you see is dating, but high school relationships rarely last to begin with. Take some time to come to terms with the fact that you're single. You've spent so much time trying to find the perfect mate when all you can do is just sit back, and let them come to you. Don't spend so much time searching, you'll never find what it is you're looking for.

Come to terms with being single, and learn to be happy with it. It might not be ideal, but trust me. You aren't a late bloomer at all. High school is coming to an end soon, and you'll be entering college. College and university are the best ways to meet and find new groups of friends, and there will be plenty of guys to choose from as well. Never settle for anything less than you deserve, because you deserve the best.

[RedClover]

Originally Posted by Zelophobia

I think it's time you took some time for yourself, instead of trying to find your perfect mate. Honestly, it might seem like everyone you see is dating, but high school relationships rarely last to begin with. Take some time to come to terms with the fact that you're single. You've spent so much time trying to find the perfect mate when all you can do is just sit back, and let them come to you. Don't spend so much time searching, you'll never find what it is you're looking for.

Come to terms with being single, and learn to be happy with it. It might not be ideal, but trust me. You aren't a late bloomer at all. High school is coming to an end soon, and you'll be entering college. College and university are the best ways to meet and find new groups of friends, and there will be plenty of guys to choose from as well. Never settle for anything less than you deserve, because you deserve the best.

This is basically what I've found. However, when I take a look at myself, I don't really see much worth raving about. I've got so much wrong with me compared to anything worth hanging on to. Granted, that's probably the case with most people, but that's *my* perspective.

Also, I'm pretty sure the reason why I've been trying too hard to find a relationship is because I am somewhat starved for peer interaction. I have plenty of friends, but for every thirty of them, only about one would bother to invite me anywhere. This just continues to feed my inferiority complex; in fact, this one is probably more painful than the "everyone's dating" one. Since pretty much EVERYONE has people who don't consider them a burden to spend time with, almost everyone else who isn't me *seems* happy.

Even more than that, I feel as if I need to learn to be happy with myself, too. If you took away all of the peer relationships that I have, I'm not sure what I would have left aside from me. This just goes back to how I feel that I am more trouble than I'm worth.

But my main question is: what should I do until college? I made the horrendous mistake of taking far too easy classes this year, so I can't throw all my energy into school. There's just not enough work. Also, I could get a job, but I'm not sure why anyone would hire me to bag groceries when there's plenty of 25 year-old philosophy majors to choose from.

Yeah, the next seven months will be my own little hell...

[PSY]

Originally Posted by RedClover

This is basically what I've found. However, when I take a look at myself, I don't really see much worth raving about. I've got so much wrong with me compared to anything worth hanging on to. Granted, that's probably the case with most people, but that's *my* perspective.

Well, here's what I see. I see someone who is insightful enough to realize she has flaws, and wise enough to realize she needs to make a change for the better. I see someone who is intelligent and driven, preparing to go to college and create a better future for herself, even if she doesn't believe she's "worth it." I see someone whom I would love to meet in person, because despite her low self-esteem, she seems to have her priorities in the right place: connection with peers, and ultimately, a desire to connect with herself.

Originally Posted by RedClover

Also, I'm pretty sure the reason why I've been trying too hard to find a relationship is because I am somewhat starved for peer interaction. I have plenty of friends, but for every thirty of them, only about one would bother to invite me anywhere. This just continues to feed my inferiority complex; in fact, this one is probably more painful than the "everyone's dating" one. Since pretty much EVERYONE has people who don't consider them a burden to spend time with, almost everyone else who isn't me *seems* happy.

That's not your low self-esteem talking: that's your HUMANITY talking. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, feels like they are lacking in the friendship/social department at some point in their lives (yes, even the people who *seem* happy). It may help to stop focusing on all the people who AREN'T connecting with you, and focus on all the people who ARE connecting with you. One out of every 30 people is actually a pretty good percentage! People are so diverse, that it's rare to find someone you can actually connect with on a meaningful level. Most people either won't care about you, or won't like something about you - and that's just life, unfortunately. You might as well accept it and celebrate when you DO find people you can connect with.

Originally Posted by RedClover

Even more than that, I feel as if I need to learn to be happy with myself,But my main question is: what should I do until college? I made the horrendous mistake of taking far too easy classes this year, so I can't throw all my energy into school. There's just not enough work. Also, I could get a job, but I'm not sure why anyone would hire me to bag groceries when there's plenty of 25 year-old philosophy majors to choose from.

Then find a different job. My first job: sales associate for a shoe store. Trust me, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to get a minimum wage job. The job economy may be tough, but in all honesty, you have certain advantages over the "older, educated" individuals you are competing against. As a younger person, you are seem as more malleable by future employers (basically, you're going to be a mindless drone and readily absorb everything that you're taught). Since you're young and saving up for college, you may also be seen as a bit desperate - or, as future employers would see it, someone who is willing to work any shift and any number of hours in order to get the job so they can pay for college. Trust me, it's all about how you spin this.

A job would certainly occupy your time, but I would check out local clubs/organizations as well. I'm sure that there are groups that appeal to younger individuals, vs. just "retirees." If you're truly passionate about something, but a club/organization doesn't exist, why not create one and post fliers around your school so other students can join? Being a club president can be a full-time job!