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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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paranoidandroid Offline
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Unhappy I'm ruining our relationship, help! - April 15th 2012, 09:52 PM

Helloo, this is going to be long but I need to explain fully I guess.

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year next week (we broke up 4 months ago for a while because he was cold, unemotional, unaffectionate and he basically acted like he didn't care about me and we couldn't even communicate the simplest and most fundamental of issues). We got back together because he completely realise how horrible he'd been to me (his words, not mine) and wanted nothing more than to win me back and he did. Now he's affectionate, loving and a lot easier to communicate with, we can actually talk about the issues we have and the things I get paranoid about. I get paranoid and a little unstable about a LOT of things due to emotional abuse and abandonment as a child.
He knows this, and tries quite hard to reassure me, but he has a very short temper and is very impatient at times. Recently I've lost of my closest friends to suicide and I have no one to talk to and my paranoia is out of control. My boyfriend and I despite clearly loving each other very, very much are constantly arguing now. I don't know what to do any more. I freak out over something that I perceive to be a massive thing (evidently he thinks it is unimportant) and he gets frustrated very quickly when he can't understand why I'm upset despite me being open and honest despite mostly trying to be nice about it. Whenever I get upset I contemplate ending the relationship (running away before he abandons me probably) and I just don't know what to do any more. I get so stressed I cry and I don't know what to say, and even if he says 'it's fine' I can't imagine why he still wants to be with me and I just continue to freak out because then I think I've annoyed him even more.

Argh it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. I hate myself for it, it's like a vicious cycle. Is he not the right guy for me? Do I need someone more reassuring and patient? I know I need to try and change the way I think but it is hard and will take a lot of time. He says he is willing to stand by me and help but I know it annoys him a lot.

What should I do? :S I need honest answers. I know I'm a bit of a mess...
   
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Always * Offline
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Re: I'm ruining our relationship, help! - April 15th 2012, 10:21 PM

Well, correct me if I am wrong, but I think even if you didn't know he was getting frustrated by it you would probably just be freaking out that he is internalizing his frustration with you. So I think either way, you'd be worried.
I've had other friends who are similar to you. Trust me, you could be with him for a solid year and NOT just have recently lost a friend etc and I think you'd still be just recovering. If he wants to stand by you, you should try to trust that.
What you should do is just tell him you would like to sit down and just talk to him for a few hours about everything in one go, even if some of it has been discussed, to give you a chance to get everything into the open. That way you guys can get it all out. And you shouldn't leave him while your ahead. Sure, you always take a risk that it'll end, but at the end of the day, you need to reach a point where you can leave him cause the relationship isn't right for him and NOT because you are trying run away from the possibility of him leaving you.
Personally, from my view, I think if you were being so insecure and constantly worrying he'll leave you, his frustration by it would have gotten the better of him by now, he probably wouldn't be still trying to help you.
   
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Re: I'm ruining our relationship, help! - April 16th 2012, 10:17 PM

One of the things I always say to people who handle a romantic relationship is to know with whom they are. Everyone has a specific personality that is different from the other partner's one. If I really understand your situation your guy is changing. Now the thing you need to be confortable with him is pacience. He is not. Fortunately you get control of this that means things are more easy to be handled. The other thing is the thought of running away from him just because you think he will give you up. More you think of this, more you will be unstable. Sentimental relationship is a circle of confidence built under belief, faith and constant efforts. I think you might run 1000 miles away from that thinking instead of imagining he will leave you.
The 3rd thing is that you get control of everything try now to better change yourself fixing your mind in overcoming your depression. Help him understand you. When you see he is frustrated do not persist trying to convince him. Love is the best thing on earth. When you find someone who really loves and cares for you you must do everything that is under your power to concerve it. I hope you could be more talkative. I am not sure that site is the type of what you need however i found it and invite you make a look on it THEARTOFBETTERCOURTING.WEBS.COM even you can refer your soul mate to it. Wish you well.
   
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