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rac146 Offline
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My boyfriend's grandfather is dying - April 17th 2012, 01:52 AM

So the title pretty much states it all. If any of you are familar with my other posts, you know my boyfriend lives with his grandfather to help him aorund the house. He has lived there since he was 16-17ish, he is currently 25 so the two of them are very close. A few months ago his grandpa's health has really begun to fail and he cared for his every need. A few weeks ago his grandfather choose at home hospice care so he no longer had to undergo tests/ take a bunch of meds, still with my bf taking care of him. Friday his grandpa began to be agitated and confused, stopped asking for help with things, yelling, and generally really going downhill in his mental health as well to the point where he had to be moved into a hospice home. My bf is obviously taking it all really hard. I feel so helpless as I watch 2 people I care so much for going through this. I know his grandpa feels "ready" but my heart really aches for my boyfriend. What can I do for him? Right now, I've just been trying to be really supportive, but also low mantience, not nagging him about things,ect (not that I nag alot, he's just stressed so he snaps at me a bit sometimes but rather than fight I just let it go) how do I support someone going through so much pain?

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Re: My boyfriend's grandfather is dying - April 17th 2012, 02:07 PM

I think you should just let him know that you'll always be there to listen to him when he wants to talk about his feelings or help him when he needs help. Maybe you should just ask him if there's anything that you can do to make him feel better.

I don't know how open is your boyfriend about his feelings to you and different men have different ways to cope and face their problems; but like my fiance, there are times when I feel like he's trying to be strong - alone. When I feel like he's upset or sad about something but he's keeping it for himself, I would ask him whether he's okay and told him that I would listen if he needs to talk about his feelings; And I would be there whenever he's ready to talk. Often he would say he's okay, but I would ask him from time to time just to make sure he IS really alright.

Be strong and support him always. Sometimes men may not realize that they do need all those supports from their women

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition. - Alexander Smith

Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life. - Herbert Otto

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Re: My boyfriend's grandfather is dying - April 21st 2012, 12:24 PM

Thanks for the advice. His grandpa passed away Thursday morning. He's being a little standoffish to me but I'm not overly concerned as I'm sure he wants some space. It just hurts when he's canceling our plans to hang out with his friends. I think its because he knows I'll want to talk about it and cry and stuff, while he just wants to game for forget it right now. I'm sure he doesn't want a reminder we basically canceled our 2 year anniversary celebration for a funeral, and thats what seeing me will do. That’s not easy. I think we're both doing ok so far, I'm just worried because he has a lot to deal with now....he basically just inherited a mortgage, yet he has no job because he quit his job in order to take care of his grandpa…its just a lot and I hope I can support him through it.

Again, thanks for your reply. Things have been messy and it was very uplifting to read

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Re: My boyfriend's grandfather is dying - April 21st 2012, 01:37 PM

Ruth, let the bank and him sort out the mortgage. That's not an issue at the moment. What's really an issue is the way he's dealing, and the way you want to deal. I know that, when my grandpa passed away, I tried to absorb myself in something and not let anything affect me. As you say, his way of coping is to "game", which is what I did.

Let him have his space. I know that you also need to know how he's feeling, but he's coping. Gaming is his coping. Just don't let him become dependent on it. He has to depend on you too. Remind him you're there if/whenever he wants to speak, and that you'll help him through whatever he's going through. You need to be the rock. Don't become an emotional wreck. Two wrecks generally results in a downward spiral.
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