Hey Guys, Sorry if this is in the wrong forum section, and sorry
for the long Post too, its late and im tired
)
Well it mostly began ever since i was home educated at the young age of 6 i've been socially isolated and literally 'Trapped' in my House, i had no social outlets
or group activities, i literally never went outside the Front part of my house,
only the garden. My family where just as socially isolated as i was; since
we just moved areas around the same time as my home education, my family
found no ways to connect or to socialise with anyone new. Not even our neighbours.
But anyway, it was like that until i was about 12, when i joined a social activity
and i made some Friends, that was my first contact with anyone outside my family for about 6 years, so it was difficult for me, the group of friends i made there lived near my house
and from then we became Good friends so they (3) people, were
my only 'friends'
Ever since then, my 3 friends introduced me to their friends, so
thankfully i had a group of friends, which was nice for once. This was around
the age of 12-14
But often when i hanged out with my New bunch of friends (mixture of
boys/girls)
They disliked me, for being 'quiet' 'shy' 'nervous' and just a boring and a weird person.
This was most likely because i was socially isolated for such an extreme time,
It was also my social anxiety causing me to act this way,
i often avoided hanging out in big groups of people because i just felt awkward.
at the age of 14, (close to 15)
My bestest friend in my small group of friends (who i trusted alot)
We always talked alot and we got into conversations, etc, we eventually
talked about our pasts,
i told him all about my isolation and my loneliness and depression, etc,
And i (regretfully) admitted to him i get Even more shy and nervous, when i hang out with girls and not boys
because i never had a girlfriend and it made me feel uncomfortable and awkward, shy, etc around them.
He found it funny and told all his friends this and then they started to mock me alot, like they'd say stuff,
then they'd start to bully me. then they'd do stuff to annoy me, taunt me because they have a partner and i do not, all that stuff. that always made my heart ache alot.
So then at 15, they stopped hanging out with me, i was happy but i was sad because now i had no one.
and i yet again, was alone, and became trapped, Again, but this time if i go outside, my 'old' friends (more like new bullies) still verbally abuse me.
And now i'm 15 (almost 16) and i'm back to being trapped in my house.
I can not find any social outlets, group activities, i do not go school,
my family keep saying that 'Friends will come along' and we have arguments
but most of my family still don't really notice or Care. WE have LOTS of heated arguments
so being trapped with them for years on end without anyone/anything else
is just..torture, and considering i moved areas..so i was surrounded by people
and areas that i didn't know. or at any point familiar with.
I'm starting to feel sad, miserable, lonely and overall depressed,
I try to make new friends; but most of the teenagers where i live
talk about - School - Fashion - Music
I don't go school.
I don't have many good clothes, and not generally interested in fashion
And i'm not bothered about Music.
So generally i feel like a BIG outcast since my knowledge is not based in these
categories, i know there are MANY teens who are like me, but i just can't find any teens
that resemble me in anyway, so i feel alone in my area.
Also, i've been feeling this way for a While now, since i was 13, around that time
i had a pet dog who i absolutely LOVED my family got him when i was a baby
He was a puppy, so we grew up together, the reason i never felt depressed or lonely
was because my dog was my best friend, and made me feel like i had someone.
He recently died, it tore me apart, and still is.
i didnt start brawling in tears when i found out,
the shock kind of came first then later the sadness, depression, my dog was the only reason i didnt feel alone in my prison of a house, so this depressed loneliness feeling came on, when i was 13. After he died.
i just need a way to find a social outlet or a bunch of friends, soon i'll finish
my home school, and i'll have more spare time on my hands because i wont be
educating myself, i might be able to find a way then.
My family are all socially awkward and isolated themselves since, we know NO one
in our area, and they socialise as much as i do. Maybe thats why they wont
let me socialise? I don't know.
But i just feel so trapped and imprisoned here, and i'm worried i feel like i'm going Mentally insane!
and how could i possibly end this loneliness? its tearing me apart inside, its constantly on my mind, constantly worrying
im feeling sad and not my usual self, and i'm scared this feeling isn't ever going to go away.
i just want somebody to talk to me,
make me feel cared about, loved for, and i just need literally Anyone.
I just don't feel the sense of 'company' when my family are around me, i used too, but its
just been so long hanging around them. I don't want to be this social outcast. I know
i'm the loneliest person and the most socially isolated person in my entire area.
Soooo....
1.I'm socially awkward
2.Socially isolated
3.Completely different from teens in my area.
4.Depressed & sad.
Great start towards life!
I really really really want someone to be close to me! Someone who i can connect
& enjoy the company with, someone i can trust and help, i've always wanted to have a girlfriend too, i know i'm young and still have years to find the right girl but i still want someone to cuddle.
i just am so tired of being 'just me' it makes me thing life is just a prison.
And when people say 'look towards the future' it just seems like an extended prison
sentence, i know the future will be different, i'm just scared that i wont make it that far
in life, before this depression feeling swallows me up, completely.
Any advice or help or someone to comfort me i'd appreciate SO much.
(Sorry if its to confusing, and sorry for the way its all written out, i've done this on my phone, my hand is killing me )