[Ennui.]

Hey there,

I'm really sorry to hear about what you are going through! It's awesome that you were able to tell people, even if it was by accident.

When it comes to talking to people, maybe what you can do is do it through writing? This may make it easier to get all of your emotions out without nerves and interruptions getting in the way. It is clear that people such as your friend and boyfriend do care about you a lot, and I bet they won't judge you since they have been very understanding and one of them has actually been where you are. You won't be burdening them, just like you aren't burdening us. I bet they know that if they need it, you'd be there as well. And a therapist joined their job because they want to help.

But a letter would at least let you get everything out without some of that worry, since they'd just be able to read it and discuss. Even a therapist may be willing to allow you to keep a journal, and they can read bits that you find significant and discuss from there.

Do you keep in touch with your family at home at all? I know that it definitely isn't the same, but maybe your family can send pictures of your pets to you and give you updates on how they are doing, just to ease your mind a little bit.

As far as your self esteem, maybe you can write down things that you, and your friends and family like about you. You can also write down anything you have accomplished. These things can be big or small. The point is to be able to look back at them and remind yourself that you are more amazing than you think and you have a whole lot going for you, even if you don't always see it. You can also write down or print out encouraging quotes and pictures as a reminder that you can do this and get through everything.

I know that sometimes you feel as if you don't want to stop, but in the end self harm makes things worse. You're right that one of the major downfalls of self harm is that you have to hide it and you will always have the scars. Another one is that no matter how deep you go there is the risk of infection, and who knows, maybe one day you'll be tempted to go deeper. The problems also come back because you aren't actually doing anything to solve them. Maybe you can try and find things to do instead of self harm. For instance, you can write, draw, listen to or make music, or exercise. If those aren't working for you, this is a link to a list of alternatives to self harm. If one doesn't work, don't get discouraged. There are plenty where that came from!

Keep your head held high, stay strong, and keep fighting. The fight is so worth it and you can kick self harm to the curb. This will get better.