[Ennui.]

Hey there,

I know you may not want to tell anyone because you don't want to get hospitalized, but you seem to be getting to a point where you are scared you might do something such as suicide or serious self harm, and that is problematic. Sometimes you have to do things that are scary or that you won't know how they will go in order to get what you want, and in that case, it would be help. If you do tell someone you can always make it clear that you want to use all your other options before going to hospitalization, because I'm sure someone will have something they have you try!

This is a link to a list of hotlines that you can call as well. Maybe one of them can help you work through some of what you are going through, such as the suicidal thoughts.

I know you said that one of the reasons you self harm is to have control, but something you said sticks out at me "I'm not going to be able to just stop." That seems more like the self harm is controlling YOU, to me, becoming an addiction. It's really not worth it to keep doing it and I know that you are stronger than that. These are some alternatives you can try. They're healthier, safer ways to cope, so you can start taking your control back from the self harm.

It may be really beneficial for you to work on your self esteem as well. Start listing all of the good qualities you have, because I KNOW you have them and they ARE there. They can be physically or personality related. Also write down what you've accomplished, even if it's getting out of bed on a day you may not want to. These will be reminders that you are amazing and that you can get through this. On the times a negative thought fills your mind, replace it with a good one, even if it's just something like "Well, I'm kind," or "I'm trying my best."

Remember that self harm and suicide aren't going to help you. Self harm just creates more problems like the risk of people finding out and the risk of infection, and suicide makes it so that you're denying yourself any chance of getting better! This is a list of reasons to live. Sometimes you have to let the small things build up, because a big thing is coming your way. You have things to do and places to go, people to meet and goals to complete. Don't give that all up now!

You can get through this.