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Tamber Offline
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Age: 24

Posts: 1
Join Date: April 30th 2014

Just a little lost - May 1st 2014, 12:10 AM

It honestly hit me today how absolutely depressed I am. I'm sure this will sound so superficial and idiotic, but I honestly can't change how I feel about it. I've heard from people that I'm a cool person, I'm pretty, great sense of humor, etc. I just feel so incredibly ugly though and there are so many flaws in my body that just make me absolutely ashamed and sick. I just feel so worthless and I can't be convinced otherwise. I graduated high school last May and recently started college, it's my second semester.

The select few friends I had in high school have all but vanished and many of them are settling down, starting families, getting boyfriends, etc. I don't really have one I can honestly express my mental feelings to, because I'm sure they'd just get creeped out and not understand. I feel absolutely worthless - I've never had a guy genuinely like me back and care about me. I've never had a first kiss or anything like that. I've been bullied throughout school for honestly no reason. A girl in 7th grade walked up to me in the lunchroom and dumped chocolate milk on my head simply because I was starting to be friends and that wasn't okay. A girl in my sunday school class a few years ago poked my stomach and claimed that I was getting fat. The few dances I went to I was mistreated and purposely left out of the activities or dates - why was I even asked?

My college is a religious college and I'm going simply because my dad teaches there so I get a discount on tuition. Everyone is so conservative and judgmental. I've never done drugs or had sex but people call me the bad example or act like I'm not up to their standards. I've had friends confess to me that their parents told them they shouldn't be my friend anymore.

My parents are aware I have a problem with mental illness, but whenever I come to them with a concern they simply say "Oh, don't worry. It's just your mental illness making you think that." I've tried talking to a therapist but she didn't believe how badly I left. She assumed that I was having momentary depression just from going to a school I didn't want to go to and I didn't bother to try and convince her otherwise.

I guess I just want one person in my life to genuinely care about me and stop using me for things. I try so hard to be nice and make new friends but I'm constantly so desperately lonely that my heart literally hurts and I feel sick. I feel like I'm not moving towards anything and I'm not motivated in my school work anymore. I play a game called League of Legends and developed a pitiful crush on someone I play with constantly and I realized how stupid it actually was - someone over the internet could care less about my existence. My only friends at the moment are through that game but I feel so insecure that I feel like I should just take a break from playing and stop desperately trying to make friends. I know it sounds dramatic, but sometimes I wonder if people besides my family would be sad if I died or not.