[hocus pocus]

Hey there,

I feel like this too. I went a few months free a while ago and I struggled each night to make it through. During that time, though, I could wear what I wanted, I didn't have to worry about staining clothes or hiding paraphernalia. I never got to the point where I could throw all of my tools away but I tried really hard to keep the streak for as long as I could. When I relapsed I felt pretty guilty about it. If anything, it made me feel worse about what was going on. Out of the six years I have harmed myself this year was probably the year that I was able to resist more often times than not. Looking back, I don't know how I kept it "under control" when I was younger. With the warm weather coming up I have realized how hard it is to keep hiding it all. I have been extremely lucky with the condition of some of my body but I still have to wear shorts while swimming and everything.

What has been helping me - and what might help you too are physical things. I take walks a lot at night and sometimes I'll even run as fast as I can so I can't think for a while. You might be able to go to the craft store and get the cardboard that is used for science fair projects - and destroy it. I can't remember how I did it, but I ripped it all up and I scribbled all over it. If you take a cheap pen and push into the cardboard you can mess it all up (just so you're not using a tool to do it). I made a calm down jar a while ago and it's really pretty. I'll shake that and stare at it for a while; who doesn't like glitter? If you're into arts and crafts you should definitely look into making one. Sometimes either a warm or even a cool bath helps. Lavender is a good calming scent and you could always light some candles and bring a book in with you. If you're a reader like I am, try getting lost in an insane plot in a novel or something. The last thing I can think of is saying, "I want to hurt myself" instead of, "I want to cut". That is something that has worked for me.

You made it a year and I can remember a while back when you were posting in SH free for just a few months at that time. You have made it so far and believe it or not, I used to look at your posts and tell myself that if you could do it, I could too. You might feel uneasy taking compliments but you are such an inspiration to all of us. I know that you can make it a year and six months. Like you said, you'll have to always deal with this but the thoughts will eventually become few and far between. Imagine how free you'll be able to feel going sleeveless. I think you should consider thinking of a reward or something to look forward to for your year and a half mark.

Here for you if you need anything <3