[Morpheus]

Back in February, I smoked marijuana. Now I had smoked marijuana for a few months, I never cared for it for a long time because I was using other drugs. I started smoking weed to get my mind off the other drugs and it was actually really helping, that is, until randomly I had a panic attack. I do have anxiety, but never over drug experiences, or anything of that nature. I had had tons of bad psychedelic trips (way way worse) but they NEVER bothered me. They would occur, I would feel like shit, I would go home, go to sleep, wake up the next day and not even remember the bad parts. I took one hit of weed, (normally I would take many, my tolerance was up all the time, as I was smoking 2-3 times a day). I felt really high from one hit of the same weed I usually used. I had what people describe as "ego death" for 9 minutes. I came back to a little, and I was just walking into the same door over and over and my friend tried to get me to talk, and I said I wanted to go outside. It was so embarrassing thinking back, we were in public and I was falling into shit (though no one was really around). So we get outside, and I am feeling slightly better. We walk 20 minutes to a nearby park, it's the middle of winter, but we do this often. My friend doesn't use any substances for any purpose. He's just someone I hung around with at the time. So, after 9 minutes and then some panicking after, I calmed down and I was fine, enjoyed my high like always and didn't even remember that my DOC existed. I withdrew off my DOC and for a few weeks I was sick in bed. The day I was able to actually get up and walk around, I went out with friends and partook in doing my DOC again. I made some dumb choices that night. Anyway, the next day I decided I would go smoke marijuana as usual instead of using my DOC. So I did. Now, for whatever reason, it hit me fast, and I kept taking hits without noticing I was. I was rambling at my friend the whole time apparently but I don't remember that at all. It's like I was not in control at all. Anyway, my friend (same as before) finally decided to take away my pipe and shit. For whatever reason he waited until I was already so high I didn't know what was going on. Apparently I kept repeating his name and talking strange and I was very pale like the first time. Basically I was very high, and as we started walking I said I could "feel it like before, again" and that I knew I was panicking or something. But I was so high I didn't even know what I was thinking or saying, and immediately I was back in the ego death thing and panicking. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't feel my body and it was weird. It was also freezing. I had a thin sweater and coat and it was so cold, I couldn't feel my body due to that either, and I was getting really faint. We walked home with me hardly able to see. I was mentally blacking out, I didn't exist, but occasionally I could see, and when I looked I would see just bits of the world. We managed to get home without me getting hit by a car and whatnot. Not sure how, but we did, and we snuck by past my friend's parents since he still lives at home. I laid down and just shook for hours. I had no idea what to do, neither did my friend. I had never had any reaction like this, not from anything. So I was finally driven home, and just wanted to escape the car. I got home, slept amazingly, and woke up feeling weird. For two months I was bedridden, my head was spinning, anytime I got up I was sent right back into the feeling, panicking, couldn't feel anything. I was having horrible flashbacks. I could not leave my house, then it was less and less until bedridden. Eventually somehow I started getting out. I would force myself. I ended up telling my doctor a few days after the event, and he prescribed Zoloft. All that did was make me gain some weight and feel weird. I quit taking it a few months in, probably 4 or so. My doctor refuses everything on the planet. My doctor wanted me to see a nurse, he said if I see her, he will be able to determine if I can have a benzodiazepine. So I discuss weekly with her for months, she decides to try seroquel, it makes me worse, she decides we should try tramadol or a benzodiazepine or both. She advocates for them to my doctor. He says "no, take cymbalta" and that's what I get. I'm pretty sure a low dose of a benzodiazepine would have solved this whole thing before. If I had something to calm me, I would have quickly learned it was a bad experience and been fine. But I had to suffer through it. Not to mention I have chronic pain, and severe insomnia. I cannot attend school and I cannot work at this time, nobody will help me. This leads to my next problem. I'm an advocate of natural herbs and plants but I cannot get myself to take anything. It's stupid, it really is, but everytime I smoke/drink/eat any plants/herbs, I will get anxious for no reason. I've forced myself with success to use them because they do help me,but the anxiety overruns their power a few minutes in every time, and then it is useless. Even my favourite most helpful herbs. It's frustrating. I am depressed because I cannot sleep. I lay there, then I start to not be able to feel my body, and I get cold and numb anytime I am holding a book or anything similar. I don't blame marijuana, I support and loved it. It helped me. But now I don't know what to do. The symptoms I had would be that of "derealization". I can leave my house now and such, but the problem is I get anxious. And I can't sleep. I even struggle with my DOC now. I want it, but I hate it because I know I panic everytime I even touch it. It's making my drug issue really hard because I'm stuck in the middle. I can't even take herbs, let alone anything else, that itself is ruining my life because I don't want to get stuck on some antidepressants again out of desperation, which was why I even took Zoloft. I threw the Cymbalta away. The soonest I get a new doctor is January.

Anyway, if anyone has ha this occur or can at least somehow help me, I would be grateful. Hell, even if someone knows an herbalist I can contact I would be helpful. What helped in the past was forcing myself to do the things that scare me. I just feel like I'll make a fatal move.

*Note: I don't remember if I can openly admit drug usage here or not, so I'm leaving everything past marijuana as DOC unless asked or told it's fine.