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makeusmile Offline
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Age: 31

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Join Date: July 18th 2009

Short Snippet for SO for Vday - February 11th 2015, 02:11 AM

Truthfully, this is just a short snippet I wrote for my SO for Valentine's Day that I would like to read aloud to him...but it doesn't feel complete. It documents a special moment we shared together on vacation that we both remember fondly. I wanted to submit it for criticism. Please be honest. I am not sold on it. I am more accustomed to writing poems. This is not a poem...nor is it truly short story. Any thoughts and SUGGESTIONS are helpful! thanks!

I dip my arms into the water to propel myself towards you; each disturbance of the smooth surface rippling into a gentle acoustic echo. There is not another person in sight this balmy evening. We have this scene all to ourselves. The moon is perfectly poised above us; its vibrant glow dominating the dark canvas of expansive sky.

You grab ahold of my body with strong arms and pivot us in a slow circle; our own romantic carousel ride. The surrounding encircling panorama fades as a I am drawn to look up at your face. My gaze locks into yours with passionate kinetic force, a wordless message flowing between us. Your eyes are a calm winter blue; your irises interlaced with delicate fibers of lively orange that are only noted on this close inspection. Time slows to allow memory to take its subtle still-frame photographs; images to be saved in a secret alcove of reminiscence in my mind.

Contentedness brims within me as I lean into the warm contours of your frame and rest my chin where it fits perfectly on your shoulder. I am thankful for this vivid waking dream and the countless humble moments that fill our lives together with wonder and happiness.

What emotions does this evoke for you? Any phrases you like/dislike? Anything you suggest I add? Any other suggestions welcome. Feel free to be brutally honest, I wont be offended.