[Always *]

I have problems with both. Anxiety is permanent. I tend to get depressed second and only sometimes cause I'll be ramped up feeling so anxious and then my system crashes and I feel hopeless, angry, don't care etc.

Sometimes it affects my ability to be productive. I know other people in my class are struggling just as much as me. She are even behind while I'm on track, if not slightly ahead. But this week I was really "sick". I didn't feel good. I just wanted to lay around. I was wanting to cry a lot. It was very hard to be productive. I fell behind on work I did at my internship. I didn't know how to justify it except to say sorry, that I hadn't felt well and that I'd make up for it. But I don't want people thinking I'm just making stuff up. Like "oh yeah I was siiiick" even though 12 hours later I was obviously in perfect physical condition (I never used the word "sick" but it was implied, even though I was really trying to imply "depressed"). The problem is that even when the cloud is dark as black, you can't really tell anything is wrong with me cause I've had anxiety and depression for years and I'm used to walking around with it. On a day when it's really bad, I'm used to trying any how because I have no choice - my anxiety won't give me a break. I can't say "it's ok, I'm 'sick' today, just take a break and do it tomorrow" cause I think it'll never get done and who knows what will happen (failure probably - I catastrophize).

Thing is, I've always been in a position where no one cares. Jobs like at a fast food chain are so easy for me that I could just plod along and no one noticed or cared. And in university, as long as my paper was turned in no one cared what the means we're to the end so if I was depressed half the time and had to wait for a cloud to lift to be productive then who'd know the difference?

Now I have an internship. I have to stick around long term because I am working on 2 projects (possibly soon to be 3) that will not be done in April. One is a campaign that will be done in May, but really not until July or August cause I have to deliver perks and write the report. And one is as a permanent YouTube manager kinda thing, and the (possible) third is the newsletters. The newsletters could be passed off to anyone once I have a full time "big girl" job this summer, as long as I can sit with them and show them the "must include" elements.

Any how, so my depression and anxiety have been noticed. I've never had to worry before. I don't want to tell people. I don't want them to think they can't rely on me to be consistent

How are you supposed to deal with "yeah, hi I have mental health problems. I swear I am a good, reliable hard working person but somedays I am so down I can barely function. I'll make up for it but I want you to know so you understand I have a reason and I'm not randomly lazy.