[xeu]

I've made the stupidest decision of doing it for the first time last Monday, and to make it worse it was unprotected.. So yep, I just opened myself to the possibility of getting pregnant which I didnt really want to happen till I was 28 or something. Im currently 17, Im turning 18 this April 25.. And I really do feel like I'm in the process of conception right now. And honestly, I just cant afford to have one now. Yeah, maybe my parents would support me.. But no. Why? Because the same thing happened to my sister, only difference is it happened when she was 23, and now she's a single mom with a one year old son because the father was too much of an ass to support her as well. So basically, my parents are kind of supporting my sister and her baby which is why I really cant get pregnant now. It will kill my parents, it will break them. Im scared of how it will affect my parents.. I just love them so much but I was just so stupid.. Im having so much self hate right now than I ever had in my entire life.

And lately, I keep waking up in the middle of the night, and its haunting me.. I always end up crying in fear. I dont even wanna wake up anymore.. I just dont wanna live in fear. I dont wanna wake up every day feeling like I'm getting closer to ruining my parents' lives, or their dreams for me. And my boyfriend well.. He's really trying his best. I know he is and I feel really bad that im letting him see me having these suicidal thoughts. He was crying and begging me not to do it, that he'll do anything for me if ever we do have a baby, that his family is there to support us.. Its so easy to believe, but i know it wont be that easy. I know somehow his parents will be disappointed in us as well.

I dont know if im making any sense in what i just typed but i just really really wanna let all this out since i havent told anyone.. Im not ready to. In two weeks, I will be getting a pregnancy test and if it ends up positive.. then i really dont know..